other family members. They lie to their friends. Often, they even lie to their therapists. But the greatest lies are the lies they tell themselves. Addicts of all varieties have advanced skills at self-deception. For a sex addict, lying to oneself is as common as lying to others.
Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that helps protect people from too much anxiety and emotional pain. Denial is different from dishonesty. Denial operates at an unconscious level outside of one’s awareness, whereas people know when they are lying or otherwise being dishonest. In our society there is stigma attached to every form of addiction. No one wants to be thought of by others, or admit to oneself, that he or she is an addict. Addicts live in denial as long as they can deflect the truth about their addiction. Even when faced with evidence of their addiction, sex addicts typically do all within their power to deny it—to themselves as well as to others. They may even deny they participated in particular behaviors when irrefutable evidence to the contrary exists.
Minimization is another defense mechanism sex addicts employ. Through minimizing sex addicts attempt to discount the frequency and severity of their acting-out behaviors. They may compare their behavior to others and conclude that they are not “as bad” and therefore are not sexually addicted. For example, those who act out with pornography may respond that they are not sex addicts because they have not been sexual with people. Those who act out in strip clubs or massage parlors may claim they are not sex addicts because they have never had an affair. Sex addicts who have had multiple affairs may believe they are not sexually addicted because they have never paid for sex.
Even after sex addicts get past their denial and minimization and begin to come to terms with the reality of their addiction they may resist going to twelve-step meetings, working with a therapist, entering treatment, and engaging in a process of recovery, believing they are “not like other sex addicts.” They may think they are smarter, not as depraved, or more disciplined than other sex addicts.
When they finally agree to get help, many sex addicts continue to struggle with denial, minimization, and resistance. If a therapist recommends inpatient treatment, a sex addict may believe that his uniqueness qualifies him for a shorter or less intensive treatment program. When he does begin attending twelve-step meetings and hears about the importance of getting a sponsor, he believes he doesn’t need one. If he does get a sponsor who strongly suggests following the standard recommendation for those new to twelve-step recovery to attend ninety meetings in ninety days to help establish a foundation of sobriety, he concludes that he only needs to attend one or two meetings a week. Such individuals want to believe they are so special that they can figure out a better way of doing recovery than following a program that has worked for multitudes of other people.
The term used to describe this condition in twelve-step programs is “terminal uniqueness.” This is another expression of the narcissism that contributed to the development of their sex addiction. Sex addicts have to work through these faulty beliefs before they can fully engage in recovery.
When will recovery begin? Or for those supposedly in recovery, when will they get serious enough to take the actions necessary to change their attitudes and behavior and stop their acting out more permanently? The Spanish word mañana best captures the procrastination of some sex addicts. Although the word can be translated as tomorrow, it is understood that action is being put off until sometime in the unspecified future. That may mean tomorrow but more likely it will happen considerably later. In order to overcome their procrastination, many addicts need to be confronted directly with the consequences of putting off taking action toward recovery.
Sex Addiction’s Relationship to Other Forms of Addiction
Further complicating sex addiction is the fact that it may not occur by itself. Addicts may have significant challenges in other areas of life. Alcohol and other drug addiction may co-occur with sex addiction. Some sex addicts struggle with gambling, eating disorders, shopping or spending addiction, or addiction to video games.
A desire to escape is a significant contributing factor in the development of addiction. Addiction Interaction Disorder is a term introduced by Patrick Carnes, PhD, to describe a condition where various forms of addiction are clustered together. His research indicates that addictions not only coexist but interact with one another.30
When multiple forms of addiction are present, addicts may focus on one at a time. If sex addiction is getting out of hand, they concentrate on stopping the sexual acting out while their addiction to gambling becomes unmanageable. If alcohol or other drugs are seen as the primary problem, sex addiction may go unchecked until the negative consequences of acting out force them to refocus.
Some twelve-step meetings for alcohol or other drug addiction may discourage members from speaking about sex addiction in those meetings. Sex addiction may be present and even be the primary addiction for many alcoholics and other drug addicts but may go undetected because the emphasis is on staying away from booze or other drugs. Some twelve-step meetings focusing on alcohol or other drugs may wink at addicts taking the so-called “thirteenth step” of hooking up with other members of the group for sexual liaisons. So long as members do not drink or use other drugs, they are considered sober or “clean.” Such singleness of purpose may allow sex addiction to go undetected.
28 For a more complete discussion on masturbation, see the chapter “Day 27: The ‘M’ Question,” in M. Magness, Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sexual Addiction: The Essential Guide to Beginning Recovery and Preventing Relapse (Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2010).
29 www.findachfp.com, www.sash.net, and www.sexhelp.com list therapists who specialize in working with sex addicts and their families.
30 P. J. Carnes, “Bargains with Chaos: Sex Addicts and Addiction Interaction Disorder,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 12 (2005): 79–120.
GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION
How common is sex addiction?
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health31 has estimated that 3–6 percent of the population of the United States suffers from sex addiction. This percentage is based on the number of people who present for treatment. Since addicts usually avoid treatment as long as they possibly can, the actual number may be significantly higher.
Some people try to emphasize the magnitude of sex addiction by quoting statistics that are much greater, but have little foundation in research. If we take the minimum of the best estimates we have, there are at least 9.5 million sex addicts in the United States—equal to the combined populations of the states of Alaska, Montana, North and South Dakota, Wyoming, Vermont, Delaware, and Rhode Island.
If we factor in the number of spouses/partners who have been wounded by sex addicts and the children
