Stranger: “Really? What would you ask him?” The camera pans down to a closeup of his crucifixion-scarred wrists.
“I’d ask him why Daddy had to die so suddenly and why Martha’s fiancé moved away and never came back, and why I had to quit school and sling hash for two-dollar tips.” I’d have to add something about why Growing Pains lasted seven full seasons on ABC, but that’s just me.
The Stranger: “No discipline seems pleasant, but painful But later
it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” It’s hard to believe that Jesus would go the “redemptive suffering” route. Didn’t he go through that so we wouldn’t have to? Still, the most difficult disbelief to suspend is that my Lord and savior would have bangs.
Their conversation is interrupted by Martha — “Excuse me,” sarcastically to Mary. “Are we closed now? Those lunch menus aren’t going to put themselves out.” Oh my gosh. I get it now, Martha and Mary. Just like the gospel narratives about Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus. This family was close friends of Jesus, and the story goes that one day Mary was hanging out with the guys listening to Jesus when her sister, Martha, started to passive aggressively slam dishes around in the kitchen to show how hard she was working in comparison to her slacker sister. When the passive thing didn’t work, she implored Jesus to rebuke Mary for not helping out more. He, of course, told Martha to chill out. So this is a modern retelling of that story. I actually like the idea and, I almost hate to say it, other than creepy-Jesus, it’s not too bad.
Mary sits in Jesus’ booth again and after telling him charming childhood stories about how her daddy never turned away homeless folks from the diner but gave each one a sandwich and a cup of coffee, she confesses that Martha isn’t quite so generous. Martha predictably interrupts their conversation to task Mary with filling the salt shakers. Next we see Jesus with a box of kosher salt, refilling shakers with Mary. If anyone pokes their head out of the kitchen and says, “We need to buy new yeast,” I may have to leave the room for a few minutes.
Martha interrupts again basically to try to kick Jesus out for just hanging around. (I tried that in my twenties, and it just didn’t work). The drama comes to a peak when Mary scolds Martha right back for opening on Sunday.
“Daddy wouldn’t be proud of what you’ve done with the café. He’d be ashamed of who you’ve become.” Ouch.
They both turn to Jesus to ask which one of them is in the right: Mary who wants to just kick back and enjoy life, or Martha the miserable workaholic. To which he says, “Both. In God’s eyes it makes no more sense to spend all your time smelling the roses than it does to work yourself to exhaustion Enjoying God’s love means balance.”
To which Martha replies: “That sounds like something on Oprah. You can’t just expect to live your life 50 percent one way and 50 percent the other.” I have to say I m with Martha on this one. I am fairly convinced that the whole “live a balanced life” thing is just another device society uses to try to make me feel bad about myself, much like commercials for Crest White Strips.
“Do you remember the broken-down playground across the street when you were kids?” Jesus, um, I mean the Stranger, asks the sisters.
“How do you know about that?”
“Remember what your dad would do to make the seesaw more fun? How he d stand in the middle to keep it balanced”?
The sisters pause and say, “Keep our eyes on him.” And I’m going to puke. The sisters turn around at the sound of breaking dishes in the kitchen. When they turn again, Jesus is gone. Only his empty coffee mug, five dollars, and a photo of them as young girls is left, which is a little Twilight Zone-ish. I’m just glad Jesus is a good tipper, though that in no way makes up for the bangs.
Final shot: a patron walks up to the diner, but the door is locked. The sign on the door reads, “Closed Sundays.”
THE ROUNDUP
Thought for this show: Keep your eyes on God and your life will be balanced, but your teeth will be no whiter.
Paula White Today
(Boosting God’s self-esteem) 5:30 a.m.
My guest Jay McDivitt is a Lutheran pastor in Denver, Colorado. After years of bouncing around Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopal, UCC, and Unitarian-Universalist communities, he now finds himself as a proud Lutheran, somewhere between a generous orthodoxy and a boundaried progressivism. He also loves to play poker, cook with garlic, and drink cheap wine with his lovely spouse.
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My guest Ann E. Williams grew up in Wisconsin, where she spent every Sunday in the Presbyterian Church USA. Her undergraduate experience at Luther College in Decorah, Iowa, converted her to the ELCA and a deep love of liturgy. A graduate of the Lutheran School of Theology in Chicago, Ann now spends her time as the ecumenical minister at a Jesuit university and also enjoys studying narrative theories of counseling.
(All guest biographies were written by the guest in question.)
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Much to my delight, Paula White is next. The last time I watched her show, her talk was entitled, “Why God Wants You Wealthy.” White is a mega-church “pastor” along with her (soon to be second ex-) husband “Bishop” Randy White.
After years of seminary, I find myself getting a tad indignant about people taking the title “pastor” much less “bishop” with all the consideration and credentialing one might use choosing a chat room screen name.
With the litany of multi-million-dollar corporate jets and mansions owned by the likes of White and Creflo Dollar, the Crouches (TBN founders), and many other prosperity preachers, I’m beginning to become convinced that the income earned by preachers on TBN is inversely proportional to the amount of theological education completed. Perhaps something in the range of the following: for every year of college and graduate education earned past an associate’s degree from a correspondence course one can expect to earn from $10,000 to $50,000 less a year.
My good friends Jay and Annie have groggily emerged from the basement. Between the three of us we have twelve years of postgraduate theological training and the combined yearly income of far less than $100,000 (not quite proving my point, but coming pretty close to it). I love these two for many things, not the least of which is the fact that they agreed to watch TBN at 5:30 a.m. and that after a particularly late clergy poker game last night.
Paula Today is nothing more than Paula White talking into the camera, and let me tell you, this girl can talk. She’s a gifted orator, speaking into the camera in such a relaxed, charming, confident manner that I find myself unable to look away. She’s absolutely mesmerizing — perfectly styled dyed-blond hair, fake French manicured nails, capped teeth, and enough botox in her face to taint the food supply of a small farm town. She’s what fancy French postmodernist Baudrillard would call a simulacrum of a woman (an imitation for which there is no actual original). She’s excited this morning to be bringing us a message on an “attitude of gratitude.” As she talks I realize that she gestures not with her hands so much as with her fingernails. It’s as if with every movement she is underscoring not only the meaning of
