I would amuse myself by seeing how many numbers I could spot through the window. I tried to memorize all the numbers I saw on license plates and houses. As time went on, I realized I could do complicated sums in my head. I can’t remember not getting top marks in math, and my mother used to beg me to refrain from showing off in front of my classmates so they wouldn’t get jealous. I was always ahead of them, astonished that they could not grasp the relationships that to me seemed totally obvious. Whenever I would sit down to solve a problem and then checked the solution at the back of the book, I was always thrilled to discover that I had not made a single error. I often think of my life in terms of mathematics. If I were to draw a graph of my childhood, I would find that it went along a straight path and then veered sharply. The straight line represents the carefree time. I was the only daughter, spoiled by everyone. It was as if I grew up snuggling in my mother’s lap inhaling her familiar smell. Then my dream world vanished. We were poor, and our father had difficulty making ends meet. I studied harder.
My mother and Kamel were very supportive, but my brother Said was jealous because I was getting good marks, whereas he had ended up in a vocational school. He would cause all sorts of problems in order to stop me from studying. He would accuse me of not doing enough around the apartment, of lacking manners, and would invent excuses to punish me. He would rant and rave because I gave myself a manicure or curled my hair in ringlets. He would tell me off for lying on my stomach and reading with my bedroom door open. When he tried to slap me, Kamel and my mother would always intervene. Thinking about Said, I would always become sad and fearful. Why did he resent me so much? His feelings toward me hurt much more than any physical pain he inflicted.
After every argument, when I was crying, I felt that Said became a little more relaxed, as if he had achieved his aim. His physical presence filled me with dread, particularly when Kamel was out at university. The moment I heard Said’s voice, I would lock my door. Complaining about him to our father was out of the question, as he did not need any more problems. He was already going through enough for our sakes. Contrary to his intent, the war Said was waging against me only made me more determined in my studies. Unfortunately, no sooner had the matter of the fees been decided than I found a new problem waiting for me at school. I wasn’t the only one of my classmates to be taken by surprise when Miss Suad, the physical education teacher, told us we had to buy white ballet shoes.
We did our gym classes in sports shoes, which had always done the job, but Miss Suad, in one of her fickle moments, had decided that ballet shoes were what we had to have. Some of the girls resisted, telling her that our regular rubber-soled gym shoes were cheaper and sturdier than ballet shoes, which were not only expensive but so flimsy they would only last a few classes. But such efforts were in vain, and Miss Suad declared with finality, “You girls will simply have to purchase ballet shoes. Any girl who comes without them will be punished.”
I was torn. After the school fees, I did not dare ask my father for ballet shoes. And I was overcome by guilt. If only I had saved the money I frittered away on the cinema and unnecessary purchases, I would at least have been able to contribute toward the cost. There was a small hope that Miss might forget the matter. But she did have her moods the following week, when I turned up in my regular gym shoes and stood at the end of the row, hoping that she would not notice. She said nothing until a few minutes before the end of class; then Miss came up to me and said in a hard voice, “Saleha! Where are your ballet shoes?”
I apologized and said that I had forgotten to bring them. “Bring them next week or you’ll be in serious trouble. Understood?”
I nodded and promised not to forget, but then I showed up next time in my rubber-soled shoes anyway. I was the only girl in class with the wrong shoes. Miss was as good as her word. She pulled me out of the class, stood me in the yard as my classmates continued their exercises and threatened to march me off to the headmistress if I did not bring the ballet shoes to the next class. I felt trapped. Could I simply skip school on Saturdays in order to avoid her class? That would mean missing some other important classes. In the end, I had to tell my mother. She put her arms around me and said, “Why didn’t you tell me from the beginning?”
“I don’t want to be a burden on my father. He has enough to worry about.”
It was the first time I had spoken frankly with my mother, rather than going along with the rosy picture she always painted. She replied in a serious tone, “I’ll tell your father. He’ll manage.”
“I need the ballet shoes before Saturday; otherwise, I won’t be able to go to school!”
“Don’t worry, Saleha. We’ll get them for you, God willing.”
“What do I do if my father doesn’t have the money?”
This last question seemed to weigh heavily on her. She shook her head and left my bedroom looking worried. That evening, the moment I saw my father, he said, “Saleha! I’ll take you to buy the shoes on Friday.”
I looked at him and smiled, but it must have been a somewhat despairing smile, as he added, “Don’t worry. I promise you. We’ll get them on Friday, God willing!”
I tried to speak, but no words came out. I wanted to tell him that if it were not for Miss Suad’s stupid obstinacy I would have given him no more worries. I wanted to apologize for ever having nagged him to buy me little treats in the past, to tell him that I loved him and thank him with all my heart and say I was sorry for all the grief we were causing him. When Friday arrived, I put my prettiest clothes on. I always loved going out alone with my father. I loved holding his hand and walking alongside him in the street. It gave me a sense of security and pride to be protected by my father, and, in turn, I was proud of him. This time, my feelings were a little different. I felt sorry for him, and embarrassed, but at the same time, I was worried about what could happen to me if I did not buy the ballet shoes. The thing I feared most was being made fun of by my classmates when they learned that my father was too poor to buy ballet shoes.
We started looking at the shops on Soliman Pasha Street. Most of them had the right shoes. I looked at my father, and the moment I saw him hesitating in front of a shop window, I said, “This shopkeeper is a thief. Miss Suad told us that the shoes should cost much less than that!”
Miss Suad had mentioned nothing of the sort, but I was trying to save my father from feeling embarrassed. For this purpose, I lied freely without feeling any guilt. I just could not bear to see him admit that he couldn’t afford the shoes. We went into every shop in the street, but the shoes were a fortune in every one. Finally, I said, “These shopkeepers are all thieves. I don’t think you should buy anything from them. I know you could afford to pay double what they cost, but why should we let ourselves be robbed?”
But my father only became more agitated, and I regretted speaking so thoughtlessly. He took my hand and said, “Come on. Let’s go to Sayyida Zeinab. They have the same goods at half the price!”
We went to a shop in front of the mosque and then to another after that, but there were no ballet shoes to be found. At last my father found some blue shoes that looked similar, and he asked me to try them on. I hesitated a little, but when I got them on and they fit, he got up to pay. I did not have the heart to mention that I was supposed to get white ones. He walked over carrying the shoes with a smile, “I know you were supposed to get white shoes, but don’t worry. We’ll fix them!”
I could hardly object. Anything I said at that moment would have shattered him. When we got home, my mother was waiting. Her kind voice had some worry in it when she asked, “Did you get them, then?”
I was carrying the bag with the shoebox. My father boomed, “Thank God! It’s all sorted out now!”
I thanked him again and said I was going to my bedroom. I lay awake for a long time but then fell
