They followed me intae the livin room.
‘Have a seat,’ ah said, pointin tae the couch.
Mammy wis in the kitchen.
‘Ma, there’s three lamas at the door for ma daddy. Ah’ve tellt them tae wait in the livin room.’
‘Lamas?’ She near drapped the plate.
‘Aye, lamas, you know, like priests, only Buddhists.’
‘You know whit you’ve been tellt aboot talkin tae strangers.’
‘Aye, Ma, but you’ve always said ah’ve tae be hospitable, and they’re pals of ma da.’
‘See thon man…’ She looked oot the windae fur a minute then turnt back tae me. ‘Go and ask them if they want some tea.’
Ah went back tae the livin room where the three of them were sittin cross-legged on the flair wi their eyes shut. The main man opened his eyes and smiled.
‘Ma mammy says would yous like some tea?’
‘You are very kind. Thank you.’
Just then ah heard the door openin.
‘In here, Da.’
‘Whit is it, hen? Oh …’
When he saw the lamas sittin there, his face changed all of a sudden, it wis as if sumbdy’d switched on a light bulb in his heid. Then he got doon on his knees and bowed tae each lama in turn. Ah couldnae make oot exactly whit he wis sayin but it wis sumpn like Sammy Rinpoche, Hammy Rinpoche and Ally Rinpoche. Funny that. Wi names like Sammy, Hammy and Ally they could play for Scotland. Later ah found oot that Rinpoche means holy wan – it’s a bit like callin a priest ‘faither’.
‘Ah’ll just make the tea, Da,’ ah said, and slipped oot.
When ah came back they were deep in conversation, and ma daddy hardly noticed ah wis there tae ah planted a tray doon on the table in fronty him.
‘Thanks, Anne Marie. Listen, hen, you’ll never guess whit. They’ve found the new lama.’
‘Oh.’ Ah hadnae a scooby whit he wis on aboot.
‘You know, the heid Rinpoche’s successor, the wan they’ll train up when he moves on.’
‘Oh, very good.’
‘In Carmunnock.’
‘Carmunnock, Jimmy?’
Ma ma had appeared at the door, where she stood wi her airms foldit, and that voice, where she sounds like she’s been tae elocution lessons, rang through the room. She disnae dae it very often but usually it has a magical effect on ma da. But the day he never even noticed the sarcasm.
‘Aye, hen, isn’t it amazin?’
‘Amazin! It’s flamin incredible.’
Ma da kept gaun. ‘They want me tae go wi them tae talk tae the faimly and help them break the news. Explain aboot the trainin programme and that, how they’ll take him away when he’s a wee bit aulder, teach him aw the chantin an prayers and that. Thought it might come better fae a Glaswegian, you know.’
‘Jimmy, you really are wired tae the moon.’
Daddy just stood there, starin at her.
‘Look, ah’ve got nothin against you meditatin, and the lamas seem like very nice people.’
She smiled at the three wee guys, who smiled back. Then she turnt tae ma da and she wisnae smilin.
‘But if you think that ah’m gonnae sit by and watch you make a complete laughin stock of yersel in fronty strangers, you’ve got another think comin.’
‘But, hen.’
‘Jimmy, get a grip, for godsake. Whit on earth are these folk gonnae think when you turn up and tell them their wean’s the new Dalai Lama? The best you can hope fur is that they call the polis, the worst is that you’ll get yer heid kicked in.’
‘You don’t unnerstaund … it’s no the Dalai Lama, it’s the lineage of …’
‘Ah unnnerstaund wan thing right enough, Jimmy – you’re no gaun wi them tae Carmunnock.’
‘But, hen …’
She marched oot the room.
Five seconds later she opened the door, grabbed me and dragged me intae the lobby.
‘Anne Marie, you go wi him.’
‘Whit?’
‘Don’t let him oot yer sight.’
‘Do you think he’s gonnae go tae Carmunnock?’
‘Of course he’s gonnae go – when did he ever show any sense in his life?’
‘Could you no go wi him?’
‘Don’t be daft – how can ah efter whit ah just said? But ah don’t want him heidin aff by hissel wi they lamas. He’ll get murdert.’
So the next thing there ah wis in the back of the van sittin on a pile of auld blankets wi Hammy and Ally, cross-legged wi their prayer beads clickin away like knittin needles. Every time the van turnt a corner or hit a bump on the road the three of us shoogled thegither and they bowed in apology then giggled. Sammy sat in the front tryin tae navigate wi a streetmap of Glesga.
You’d think by the number of roads that lead tae it, Carmunnock wis the Mecca of the west a Scotland. You can get there fae Castlemilk, Cathkin, Clarkston or Croftfoot. Or you can dae whit ma da done and drive roond and roond the Carmunnock bypass missin every turn.
‘Ya bastard! Oh, sorry, Rinpoche.’
‘OK, Jimmy. What about this – could this be it?’
‘Aw naw, Clarkston again. Whit is it wi these soothsiders, every bloody place has got tae stert wi a C – sorry, Rinpoche.’
Between his map-readin and ma da’s drivin it wis a miracle we got there, but then ah suppose if you’re a lama a miracle isnae oot the ordinary. Though, frankly, ah don’t think it was worth the effort. After aw they roads, signposts, and a bypass that took us an hour tae get roond, at the endy it, Carmunnock’s this funny wee place wi aboot four streets. The hoose we were lookin for was in a cul-de-sac. It wis a hoose, no a flat, nothin very special aboot it, except that they had they net curtains, know the kind that cross ower and tie back? And they were pink, bright pink. Ah don’t know why but somehow that made me feel better. Would folk that put up bright pink net curtains be the sort that would beat ma da tae a pulp?
‘Right, Rinpoche, this is it. Anne Marie, you stay in the van.’
‘Da, ah’m comin with yous. Ma ma said …’
‘Look,
