The toilet seemed to be in use. By a chicken. Mahmoud chased it out. I was going to explain to him that a supermarket I worked at got a warning from Health and Safety for storing Pot Noodles in the staff toilet, but he was struggling to understand my accent as it was. I asked if there was somewhere to wash my hands. He pointed to the sink in the kitchen that was occupied by another chicken, a dead plucked one this time, surrounded by floating carrots and potatoes. He didn’t seem to mind that I rinsed my hands over his dinner.
Mahmoud’s wife was sat on the kitchen floor cutting potatoes. He explained how he could have four wives but he has just the one at the moment. I asked if he would go for a totally different kind of woman for wife number two. That’s how I would do it. I said Snow White had seven midgets and she had every characteristic covered. I wondered if that’s how he would choose his wives. He said he’s after a stronger one. He said it like he was talking about buying a new car.
That made things a bit awkward, so we left the house to take a camel ride to see the Pyramids.
I’ve never been on a camel before. They are not very comfy animals to ride. They have a lump in them for a start. Plus I was nervous, as the last time I rode an animal it was a horse at a fête when I was younger and it bolted after a woman put her fag out on its arse. I slid underneath and got kicked in the head.
Mahmoud led us along some pretty busy roads, which didn’t make us very popular, as we held the traffic up. We eventually got to the desert but couldn’t see much due to the sandstorm. My face was being battered by tiny grains of sand. The way Egyptians like to make money out of everything I’m surprised the tourist board hasn’t advertised it as ‘A day out in a sandstorm. The ultimate exfoliating experience.’
The plan is to get a closer look tomorrow.
I went to the Pyramids site again, this time by van. It was heaving today. We were there early, but we still weren’t the first. Coachloads of people were entering. The first thing you see is the Great Sphinx. I’m not a fan of this sort of thing – a lion’s body with a human head. A few men were selling models of it. The problem is, the nose is missing from the Sphinx, which means all the models they were selling also had the nose broken off, which just makes it look like a damaged ornament.
I really can’t believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand. I was told how it was only one of the Pyramids that was a Wonder of the World, even though there are three of them, which is odd, as they all look the same. It’s the Great Pyramid that’s the official Wonder. I’d be annoyed if I was the builder who built one of the other two if my workmate was getting all the praise for building the ‘Great One’. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was one of the other builders who knocked the nose off the Sphinx in anger after hearing that news.
I’m sorry to say they didn’t look as impressive as they do in the photos I’ve seen of them. They always look like they are sat in the middle of a desert with nothing around them, but in reality you can see a lot of blocks of flats in the background and the Pizza Hut at the entrance and there is a lot of rubble around them too.
I’m coming back tomorrow to get a tour with a guide.
We went to see the Pyramids again today. I was meant to meet up with Dr Hawass, who is the main man who looks after the Pyramids site, but he cancelled last-minute, as he was ill, so I got a tour from a man called Aladin. He knows everything there is to know about the Pyramids. He loves them, which I find odd ’cos it’s not like he’s a project manager who comes every day and sees the development of them – they’ve looked like this for years and they’ll not change or be done up.
Aladin began by raving about how the Pyramids were built. I don’t enjoy tours like this. They are more like a history lesson. Too many dates were being mentioned. I watched other people who were on tours and their faces also looked disappointed and uncertain – as if they weren’t sure what they were meant to do now they’d seen the Pyramids. It’s the same sort of feeling you get when you visit someone in hospital and you’ve had the smalltalk and given them their grapes and you want to leave, but feel like it’s too early to go. That’s how I felt.
I was told by Krish that I’m going to meet a couple today who actually have a use for the Pyramids and that we’ll be going inside one finally. It’s probably the first time I’ve been excited since I’ve been in Egypt.
I went to meet them at their apartment. They were called Andrew and Seija. They run something called Galactic Light and go into the Pyramids quite often, as they explained, ‘to connect with the powers of the Cosmos, the Unity or the Christ Grid around the planet, and Atlantis. As the great Pyramid is the focal point of the whole Grid system, it is connected to all sacred monuments around the Globe, as well as to the centre of our Galaxy and the centre of the planet Earth. It is an amazing, magnificent monument transcending space and time.’
That lost me a bit. I just wanted to see what one looked like inside after being disappointed by its lack of kerb appeal.
They had a nice apartment though, with a great view of the Pyramids from the toilet. They taught me how to relax and went through some mantras that we would be doing once we were inside the Pyramid.
All was going quite well, and I was starting to feel quite calm, until the call to prayer began. There was a speaker right outside their living-room window that blasted out the prayer for a good 20 minutes. This really was the main thing that put me off living in Egypt. I asked Andrew if they were aware of the speakers when they bought the place. I bet the estate agent got them in and out way before any call to prayer took place. After I had learnt a few chants, we had burgers and chips and headed for the Pyramids. It was the end of the day, but we had permission to be there after all the other tourists had left. It was quite eerie. There were no coaches or camels or people selling tat, and it was dark.
We entered the Pyramids and made our way up some steep steps that Andrew and Seija said were around 150 metres tall. We then had to squeeze through a small gap on our knees to get into a place called the King’s Chamber. I’m not that good with guessing sizes but I’d say you could get 50 people in there at a push.
The walls were a pinkish granite that looked impressive, but the stone coffin at the end of the room looked a bit of a mess. The stone looked like it had been cut roughly. It was as if by this point in the construction (23 years in) everyone had had enough and rushed to complete it. It’s like when you have an extension done on your house and you end up with a snag list of jobs like cracked plaster or loose plug sockets that take longer to get done than the extension itself.
The lid was missing from the stone coffin and so was the mummy.
Andrew and Seija lit some candles, which wasn’t that clever, as it was roasting in there already, with no ventilation, and there were no fire escapes, but I didn’t say anything, as I didn’t want to ruin the mood. They started the mantra. Seija then led me towards the stone coffin and made me get in it. I didn’t know this was the plan, but as they led me, they chanted the
