I wasn’t gay, or didn’t think I was. So, it was easy for me to answer that question. I answered it truthfully at the time. I was commissioned when I graduated. During my Officer Basic Course, I came out. I was pretty young when this happened. I met a woman that I was very attracted to; she was ten years older than me. I had a boyfriend and I broke up with him. I wrestled with the changes that were going on in my life after I had this short relationship with a woman, but I didn’t have any issues with juggling my homosexuality in the military. Things just fell into place for me. It didn’t get difficult till I met Vonda.
I lived in Augusta, Georgia. And Vonda lived in Aiken, South Carolina, right across the river. We were both invited to dinner with this mutual friend of ours. I had gotten there early and got up to go to the restroom. Vonda and her partner were walking in and I walked right past Vonda. I got back to the table and she was sitting there with her partner. My friend introduced us. Vonda had just finished college and was looking for a job. I was talking to her about where I worked. A few days later, we started talking. One thing led to another over the course of a few months.
VONDA: That was our “wow” moment. It was hard because I was in a relationship. The worst part about that was I hurt her really bad. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t do anything. It’s just where my heart was.
MARY: We started dating in July of ’07. I was a major working for a company and I put in for a job. I found a command in a public affairs broadcasting unit in the Reserves. I remember asking her, “If I get this job, would you move to Texas with me?” Neither of us knew anything about Austin. And Vonda had never lived out of South Carolina. Vonda’s very religious. Sunday mornings we’d have donuts at Krispy Kreme and then go our separate ways. Vonda would go to church and I would do the laundry. She was looking at me and crying and said, “As long as we find a church and we go to church together, I’ll move with you.” We were with each other less then a year when we moved.
VONDA: I was raised with a spiritual foundation. I attended church. I grew up like that and just maintained the faith.
MARY: This other opportunity came up in San Antonio and I was offered that command. It had a lot of problems. There were three captain’s positions and none were filled. I needed good officers, so [Vonda] joined the unit. Everything was fine and they liked her, but there were some changes that needed to be made. You have to come in and be a hard ass is what it came down to. People don’t like change. The unit administrator ran things, but she just wasn’t good at what she was doing. She and I bumped heads. The first sergeant and I bumped heads. All of a sudden, the Inspector General (IG) called and said, “I’m going to be pulling some of your soldiers out tomorrow to ask some questions about an investigation. There seems to be two people in your unit who share the same address, you and Captain Todd.” The way he did it was weird to me. My colonel said, “You don’t have anything to worry about. You’re doing a great job. You’re a fantastic officer. Just go answer your questions and you’ll be fine.”
They interviewed me and Vonda. We never admitted we were in a relationship and they never asked. They knew they couldn’t. They questioned our service members’ life insurance; we had each other as benefactors. He questioned why we lived together and I said, “Have you seen the cost of living in Austin?” A week later, [my colonel] was in Austin and I went to see him. I go in and he says, “We’re going to have to take Captain Todd out of the unit because she’s nondeployable.” Vonda had some health issues. They offered her a command and never said anything else. We never knew what happened with the IG investigation.
VONDA: When a soldier has a complaint and they go to the IG, they have to turn it into a formal investigation. We don’t know what the initial complaint was. But, I’m sure it was the unit administrator because she is the only one who has access to those records. We could have turned around and filed a complaint for privacy issues.
A few years later I had to get my civilian medical records for the military. I had gone to my gynecologist and she had written that I was high risk for HIV because I was gay. I had them transferred [to my command] without going through them.
MARY: Her unit administrator knew Vonda was a good officer. She handed her the records, walked out of the room and said, “Do what you need to do.” Vonda just took that piece of paper out. Not everybody has those kinds of stories. It comes down to how one person feels about you. You look at somebody crossways and your career is gone.
VONDA: My retirement ceremony was in February 2012. It was time for me to leave. I had done my time and [I had] medical issues. The latter part of my career did get hard because our daughter, Danielle, was getting older and it’s hard being a single parent, even if it is just for a weekend. When I spoke [at the ceremony], I introduced Mary as my partner and Danielle as our daughter and thanked them for their support.
MARY: She didn’t want to do it because she was sick of the military. I said, “We need to do it. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell didn’t stop people from asking questions.” They go after you for the wrong reasons. If Vonda was to deploy and something happened to her, I wouldn’t be the one to get the call. The military can say, “Well, you’re nothing.” When we were younger and just us, I don’t think we thought about it as much. But when a child comes into the mix, it changes everything. We didn’t want to put Danielle in that position.
It was neat to be able to go to her retirement and for her to be able to recognize her family there, despite their discomfort. They’re going to have to get comfortable with it. Vonda’s not going to be the last one. The soldiers that worked for her came up and shook my hand and talked to me, and talked to Danielle. You could tell that they just weren’t fazed by anything. But of course, they’re younger. They’re more open to things. It’s totally changed now. It’s a whole different military, a whole different mission.
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MARQUELL SMITH, CHICAGO, IL, 2010
SERGEANT, U.S. MARINE CORPS, 2000–2006
General discharge under honorable conditions; command made assumption about sexual orientation and having AIDS
I had been in the Marine Corps two years, through two duty stations. My commanding officer respected me and he valued what I had to say. I received the highest performance evaluation that this major had ever given any Marine sergeant. He made me want to be an officer. I applied for the Enlisted Commissioning Program and got selected in October 2005.
I was dating a Marine but we had broken up. I got a call from the persons that he was currently dating to tell me my ex was HIV positive. I called my ex and asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He says, “I’m positive.” I said, “May God have mercy on your soul” and I hung up the phone. I felt incredibly hurt and I certainly believed that I was HIV positive because we were not using protection. There was no reason not to think so. I went on base to go get an HIV test. It took two weeks to get a response back. I was anxious and didn’t know where to go off-base to talk to someone about what was going on and in a moment of weakness, I walked into the first sergeant’s office. I didn’t know anything because of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. I was almost in tears.
When I walked out of his office, he said he was going to help me and I believed him. My ex had told me that my command called his command, and they were out to get me. I remember getting a call from the first sergeant: “The major said they don’t want this in the officer corps. He said you could stay enlisted, but you can’t be an officer.” I said, “Well, you tell the major he’s going to have to prove it.” They were unwilling to do any investigation. The first sergeant provided a statement that said I was gay and I had sex with both men and women. We never had any conversation about who I was having
