a starting point towards achieving this in reality.
The good news is that when we do become aware of how we would like to operate, it is possible to work on this so that it becomes a reality. Some time ago, I was suddenly struck by the realisation that if I went to people who knew me well, they were unlikely to describe me as being a ‘kind person’. Although I was aware that there were lots of positive traits that I displayed, kindness wasn’t one that was high up on the list. Whilst I admit that being aware of this did not make me feel good, I always remind myself that whenever I do find something that I don’t like about myself, I should celebrate it because once I am aware of it I can choose to change. If I continued in ignorance doing what I have always done for the rest of my life, the potential for change would not present itself. So, honest self-reflection, whilst initially uncomfortable, can be an amazing tool to enable us to learn and grow, and to enable us to be the best that we can be.
When I became aware of my desire to be described as ‘kind’, I recognised that something had to change in the way I was going about doing things – in other words, a change was needed in my behaviour. It was no good simply being aware of the need to change – it meant I had to take action. My approach to this was to start a reflection journal that I completed each evening, where I would ask myself honestly how I had demonstrated kindness during that day. I have to say that when I started to do this, I was quite disappointed in myself because I couldn’t think of things to write down. Quite magically though, when we start to focus on something, we suddenly start to identify opportunities to do it in a different way. So as I journeyed through my day, I started to identify opportunities to be a kinder person – often in the simplest ways. Within a matter of days, I was feeling great that I could write things in my journal that really did demonstrate that I was being a kind person after all.
I continued to update this journal for about three months. What I found really amazing was that I automatically started to do kinder things during the day without having to think about it – it became a new habit, and what a nice new habit to have! What is even more lovely is that when people talk about me nowadays, they will often refer to me as being a ‘kind person’, so that reaffirms for me that I am being more of the person that I want to be in the world.
I hope that this simple example provides you with awareness about the importance of self-reflection and also about starting to identify what is important to you within your parenting role. The key action that will make you stand out from other parents is that you will take the important step of choosing how you wish to fulfil your role, and what values and behaviours you will uphold in doing this. The important thing is that you make this choice, rather than simply ‘going with the flow’ in an unconscious state, and end up operating in a way that wasn’t what you set out to do.
Case example
A lady who attended a series of workshops that we were running shared with us an inspiring story that had the audience in tears as she explained her progress when using the technique of asking questions instead of telling her daughter what to do. She described her relationship with her teenage daughter prior to attending the workshop as being very tense, and she felt that they were ‘head to head’ in arguments nearly every time they tried to have a conversation. It seemed it was impossible for them to agree on anything. They had even reached a point where it seemed easier to avoid talking to each other.
During the workshop, she realised that she was adopting the role of a Mum who ‘always knows best’ and that she consistently told her daughter what to do. She genuinely believed that she was right and that this was the way to be a good parent. Whilst in some instances this may have been the case, she recognised that if their relationship was to improve, and if she was going to allow her daughter to mature, start thinking for herself and take responsibility for her own ideas and actions, then she was going to have to start to reassess herself and the way she was interacting with her child. Her parenting style had to change.
During the follow-up workshop that she attended with me, she explained to the group how, after the first workshop, she had returned home with the knowledge that she needed to change and to put what she had learnt into practice. She began using the techniques shared in this book and became a questioner and listener rather than a teller. She was amazed how positively her daughter responded and was shocked to find that their first conversation, where she wore a different hat, lasted a good 45 minutes. Previously, their conversations had been brief and usually ended up with voices being raised and both parties getting upset – and yet, magically, by using the techniques learnt, she had created a different outcome.
She went on to report that during the weeks following the first workshop, her relationship with her daughter had been totally transformed and she felt that they had re-established a healthy and loving mother–daughter bond.
For me, this report was very moving because it demonstrated that not only had this wonderful Mum been prepared to be open-minded about herself and recognise some limitations in her approach; she had also put into action what she had learnt to amazing effect. The philosophy behind achieving this outcome was simple. She had demonstrated beautifully that with openness and willingness to change and do things differently, using questions can transform your relationship with your kids.
This is a great example of consciously choosing how you wish to fulfil your role, and the good news is that you can choose at any time to change.
I came across an expression a few years ago that I really related to at the time: sometimes we fall into the trap of having an ‘integrity gap’. What I understood by this term was that there are times and situations in our lives when the person we are does not match up with the way we would ideally like to be. During my experiences in life, there have been times when I have felt compelled (based on my perceived expectations) to act in a certain way, which would not ordinarily be the way I would choose to be. For example, there have been times where I perceived it would be expected within my role to be ‘tough’, and whilst I never valued or liked being like this, I did it because it was expected of me.
What happens, of course, is that when we are operating out of integrity, we not only use a lot more energy in doing what we do, but also we do not feel good about what we are doing. There is a nagging voice within us that tells us that something isn’t sitting comfortably, but frequently we push it aside and hope it will go away. In the long term this cannot be a good thing for our mental, emotional or physical health.
What is great about aligning your actions with your values is that there is no ‘integrity gap’ – you do things in the way that you feel good about. Simply by living in a society, there has to be some compliance with the norms and values of that society, and so it is really important for you as an individual to stamp your values on your parenting role – and I believe this is what makes parents BETTER parents.
My beautiful friend Vanessa, whom I believe to be a fabulous parent of three gorgeous children, summarises the importance of how we think about our role in this explanation: she suggests that we need to think about the difference between short-term and long-term parenting. She says that she tries to use the question “What will be the effect of whatever I am doing in the long term with my kids?” Many parents, she feels, parent in the moment and don’t think about the long-term consequences of what they are doing. Vanessa clearly values the impact of her parenting in the longer term as well as in the moment. Thinking of our own values and what is most important to us is certainly essential food for thought when we are considering what our parenting role is!
To conclude this chapter, I’d like to suggest that parents who have a desire to ask Better Questions will highly value:
•empowerment
•flexibility
•open-mindedness
•fulfilling
