will be more on the skills and qualities required to be a great questioner in a later chapter, but I hope this is a starting point for you to candidly consider your own parenting style and the way you fulfil your parenting role.
Chapter 3
What else drives ‘telling’?
The previous chapter provided some valuable insight into helping you to think about your role as a parent and the way you go about getting things done. I am sure that most of you will relate to that sense of conformity and ‘fitting in’ to the norms, and also of unconsciously conforming to the way things are or have been done in your upbringing and culture, rather than by a way of your choosing.
I’d now like to take some time to highlight what other factors are at play in our role definition that need to be given further consideration to help us deal with the challenge of being less of a ‘teller’ and more of an ‘asker’. I always find that when we consider the prospect of asking more questions of someone instead of telling them what to do, there is some internal resistance that comes from the person who is doing the asking. In this chapter, I will attempt to deal with some of the actual or perceived issues that arise for the person who assumes the role of an ‘asker’.
I am going to work through a practical example that you will be able to relate to and that will help to demonstrate the points I’d like to make. Let’s imagine that a parent, let’s call him Joe, has a 10-year-old child, Sophie, and that historically, mainly due to a lack of awareness, he has been more of a ‘teller’ than an ‘asker’ and so has created an habitual way of responding to her.
The example we will use is where Sophie goes to Joe with a problem and Joe simply responds by advising his child what to do. Indeed, Joe identifies with the ‘telling’ space because he considers himself to be helpful and has always believed that dealing with situations in this way was best. However, fortunately Joe has recently attended a workshop where he learnt the skill of asking Better Questions. Whilst at the workshop, he realises that he has been too much of a ‘teller’ in the past and decides that when he returns home he will start to ask some of those Better Questions.
Joe returns home after the workshop, and he hasn’t been back long when Sophie approaches him with a problem she is having with her homework. Sophie undoubtedly will have an expectation that her Dad will provide a solution for her – after all, this is what has always happened in the past. Joe is feeling a little apprehensive about changing his approach and asking some Better Questions of Sophie, believing that she will not be comfortable if he adopts this approach. He is concerned that Sophie will think he is in a bad mood or that she will think he is being unhelpful; after all, Dads are meant to be there for their kids!
You can see from this example that once you have overcome the hurdle of dealing with your own perceptions of your parenting role, you will need to start thinking about how you can deal with the way your kids perceive you, particularly if they are used to you telling them what to do. If you have formed a certain way of interacting with your kids and you suddenly change, there is a good chance it may not be well received. Once you have established a way of doing things, it will potentially be more challenging to change because of existing perceptions. However, change is certainly possible and it may be easier than you think.
Changing your style
I will now share with you some ideas that will help you deal with the challenges highlighted here, in the hope that something will inspire you to find a solution that is going to work for you. There are many potential solutions to deal with challenges, and whilst I never pretend to have all the answers, the following ideas definitely will help.
In the example above, where Joe is changing from being a ‘teller’ to an ‘asker’, my simple advice is to let Sophie know what he is doing and why he is doing it! I think it’s important to remember that there are ways to convey a message, and so it is important that kids understand that this is genuinely about you wanting to change your style and is not about them having done anything wrong. Whilst I personally don’t like scripts, what follows are some possible words that you might use that will help you to sincerely convey your reasons for your change in approach:
I will always do my best to help you in whatever way I can, and this means that sometimes I may not simply tell you what to do and instead I will ask you a few questions. I know that you have some great ideas and that every time I solve a problem for you by telling you what to do, I am not valuing your learning and you being able to express your thoughts. So, in future, what I’d like to do is ask you some more questions that enable you to bring your ideas to the table because I know you are pretty smart!
As I said, it is important that you bring your own preferred language and style when conveying the message, and as long as it is positive and confidence-building I have found that most kids will get where you are coming from, and many will appreciate your change in approach. I do recognise that this may not be the case for all kids and some may positively resist you asking them questions, so we will explore this further in a later chapter about dealing with challenges and issues with asking Better Questions. Being open, then, about your reason for asking questions is, I believe, the best way to proceed, and I suggest that it is very powerful to outline how you wish to fulfil your role so that you proactively manage their expectations of you.
Of course, another option Joe has in this situation with Sophie is to actually say nothing other than to ask the question and see what happens. It may be, and I have to say that this is far more likely to be true of younger kids than older kids and adults, that there isn’t yet an ingrained expectation of you that you will always be the ‘expert’ and answer questions. This means that you are far freer to take on the role of asker without any adverse reaction and the need for lengthy explanations. Indeed, from feedback I have had, it appears that younger kids are far more adaptable when it comes to adjusting to a questioning style than older kids and adults are, which makes your ‘asker’ role so much easier in this context.
Let’s revisit the Joe and Sophie scenario again, because I do acknowledge that it is possible that Joe may decide at some point to still be a ‘teller’ in this situation, depending upon how the conversation progresses. For example, if Sophie presents as being absolutely stuck and in dire need of help, my advice is to still be a questioner initially, because she may still be more knowledgeable than she realises. If, however, after a couple of questions it becomes clear to Joe that Sophie really is stuck and is looking more to him in his role of educator, then it is clear that Joe needs to switch to the other end of our imaginary line and become a ‘teller’.
The ego
Let’s explore one other aspect of our preference to be more of a ‘teller’, and that is an aspect of human nature that most of us don’t like to talk about – the role of the ego. It will be helpful to demonstrate the role that our ego plays in typical, everyday situations. So let’s go back to the same scenario, where Sophie goes to Joe for help with her homework.
Remember that most of us are programmed to respond by telling or advising another person what to do when presented with a problem, so automatically we provide an answer, or at the very least a suggestion to help them. Now what I’d like you to think about is the impact that ‘telling’ has on Joe after he has helped Sophie. Whilst most of what I am about to describe isn’t done at a conscious level, there is a good chance his ego will get a boost from his actions. We all have a need to feel significant and good about who we are, and in this instance Joe will be feeling a sense of self-satisfaction due to the fact that he has:
•helped
