to balance, relationships to make and break, marriages and divorces, job interviews and evaluations, until any remaining semblance of spontaneity and impulsivity was nothing but a faded memory. These were not the times to take time off to get acquainted with your identity; these were the times when everyone else’s needs demanded to be met, with little regard for your own.
Most individuals have become the sum total of what their parents think they are, what they believed their classmates believed, what their academic accomplishments or failures depicted, what their girlfriends said behind their backs, what their boyfriends told their friends about them in the locker rooms. Their choice of mates, houses and neighborhoods have determined their worth, and social calendars their popularity. The truth is that most people go through life with little or no idea of who they are without someone else telling them.
Embracing Your Unique Identity
Becoming a step-parent means that you are going to have to walk boldly into your new role with confidence, forgiving yourself for past mistakes, applauding your achievements thus far, and, regardless of the speed bumps you are likely to encounter as you and your step-children learn about each other, do your best to stay aware of the ways you allow someone else to define you. Your identity is unique. Good, bad or otherwise, you need to own it before you can improve upon it or delight in it. You are not just someone’s wife or husband, someone’s friend or parent, a good cook or a poor housekeeper. You have hopes and dreams, you have innate talents, you see the world in a way unique only to you. There are no rules to being an individual, with the exception that individuality means that you cannot be the clone of someone else and expect your spirit to survive.
Before you lose yourself in the mix of children and step-children, spouses and former spouses, external family members through bloodlines and marital lines, you can move toward being centered in yourself. Once you have become familiar with who you are, who you have become, and who you strive to be, you will be surprised at the new-found confidence that accompanies this knowledge. You are less likely to waver when you feel overwhelmed; you will not be so desperate to fit in to your new family that you give away all your values; and you will not be so insecure that you cling to old habits that never really worked anyway. This is your moment to shine. This is your moment to take the step into adulthood where your stories, your laugh, your intellect, your wisdom and even your blunders are welcomed.
Taking a Personal Inventory
The checklist that follows will allow you to take a personal inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. This inventory is made by you, not anyone else, and for you, as you are now. It consists of unfinished phrases designed to make you think. Obviously they cannot be answered fully in the small space on the page, nor completed in one minute, or perhaps even one day. We suggest that you copy these unfinished sentences into a journal or notebook where you can write about them at length. Even if you don’t write out your answers, we hope you will think about them as you drive, as you cook, as you walk the dog. As you work with them, the truth will come.
The checklist is not all inclusive. Begin our list and then add specifics of your own, keeping in mind that your life is dynamic not stagnant, that your evolving life will not answer the questions in the same manner next year or perhaps even next month. We are growing, and with growth comes insight. Every experience is a life lesson from which you continue to carve out your path. Keep moving, take the journey, don’t stand still and let the elements beat you down. You decide what to keep in your life and what to discard; you decide those things that need some fine tuning and those things that are just fine.
Before you begin, if you make yourself a promise not to divulge your answers to another living soul, you will free yourself from the opinions of others and the fear of external judgment, which will allow you to speak (or write or think about) the truth. And as someone once very adeptly said, “The truth will set you free.”
My Personal Inventory
Part I
Instructions: Here are some guidelines as you edit your own list.
•If you chose not to answer some sentences, or add in others, please do.
•Remember, this inventory is unique and personal to you. It is meant to acquaint you with the person you are and the person you may strive to become.
•It is best to complete this inventory within a few days.
•Some questions may conjure memories of days gone by, be they positive or negative, and you may feel compelled to write more than a few sentences. That’s good!
•Some unfinished sentences can remain unfinished, especially if you are not ready to face some issues and the feelings they may elicit.
•Please make note of the sentences you choose to skip at this time, as they may be covering unfinished business. You can always go back to them at a later time, when you are ready.
I believe I am a good person because…
I believe I am a good friend because…
I have never really learned to roll with the punches because…
I am without anxiety only when…
I don’t believe that people will like me if they actually knew…
One of the secrets I have been carrying for a long time is…
I am ashamed of…
One of my saddest experiences was…
The happiest day of my life was…
In springtime I feel…
When I see a newborn baby I feel…
When I see an old person I think about…
The person I miss the most is … because…
When I was young my worst fear was…
I believe (or don’t believe) that I am lovable because…
When I can’t sleep in the dark of night my thoughts turn to…
I pretend that I like…
If I could change my life I would do…
I hope that on my deathbed I don’t regret…
Part II
After you have completed your inventory take some time to go back to each line item and recall a person or event that may have influenced your perception of yourself and your accomplishments or failures with regard to that issue or item. Now that time has intervened, some space exists between your perceptions of yourself and those implied by others. This may allow you to re-evaluate their opinions, and perhaps to unearth their hidden agendas around you, which might have been previously missed. This investigation may be emotionally challenging, but this exercise will assist you in becoming more in touch with yourself and your feelings.
Being Okay With Strengths and Weaknesses
If you cry openly at sad movies, so be it; if you laugh a little too loudly, or snort like a pig when you really let loose, then that’s okay. If you have
