yourself to love a human being who wasn’t born from your body, but whose entire life can be impacted by you just the same.
Conversely, if you are not certain about your character attributes and flaws, you may find yourself wallowing in self-pity or seething in anger every time something doesn’t go your way; if this is the case we suggest you prepare yourself for the inevitable because there will be plenty of times that will be the case. However, if you can rise above the fray, secure in your position, comfortable in your own skin, with a strong sense of who you are and where you are going, even your staunchest dissenters will soften to your honesty. In the business of step-parenting, you are an ambassador of sorts, bridging together splintered families, soothing children who have been wounded on the divorce battlefields, blending your new family and your old family with sensitivity and humor, warmth and compassion, patience and love.
Rebecca’s Story
Rebecca was tearful throughout most of her first meeting with us; she had difficulty expressing her feelings other than to indicate that she felt excluded within her blended family. When we asked her to give examples to illuminate these feelings of exclusion, she seemed embarrassed, as if her examples would seem frivolous when they were put into words. Clearly she had difficulty communicating her feelings. At the end of her first session we invited her to go home and work with the questions in the Personal Inventory. Over the next week she begin jotting down some specific examples of situations that have caused her much emotional pain.
As we anticipated, Rebecca’s journaling in the privacy of her home allowed her to be less inhibited. The following week, when she produced her journal, it was evident that the common denominator of every situation was her insecurity about her new role as a step-parent, defined by her spouse’s mother (Helen) who happened to live on the same block. At first it appeared to Rebecca that she was accepted by Helen, especially since Helen offered her assistance even when Rebecca hadn’t asked for it; she always managed to drop by the house with the children’s favorite cookies or a casserole just as the children stepped off the school bus. But Rebecca soon noticed her feelings of insecurity intensified when she could never seem to come up with the “right” directives to her step-children. If Rebecca told them they could go out to play, Helen suggested they finish their homework first; if Rebecca offered them one of Helen’s home-made cookies, Helen reminded Rebecca that the cookies were for dessert only after the children cleaned their dinner plates. At first Rebecca was grateful for these helpful parenting hints, but over time she found that she couldn’t make any decisions without Helen stepping in with the last word.
Rebecca was grateful for her mother-in-law’s “mentoring” but she was becoming increasingly unhappy that none of her own choices seemed to be correct. By the end of Rebecca’s second session in our office it was obvious that without a clear sense of herself, her self-esteem would continue to spiral downward at the hands of her meddling, albeit helpful, mother-in-law. We crafted a treatment plan carefully and cautiously so that Rebecca’s anticipated self worth did not become a threat to her step-children’s grandmother, which would place her husband in the center of what might become a family dispute. Rebecca did her homework! Before long she began embracing her strengths and forgiving herself for past mistakes. She learned that her inexperience with children did not overshadow the valuable attributes she brought to the table. In three weeks Rebecca was ready to sit down with her mother-in-law on a more level playing field. She explained that she did not blame her mother-in-law for stepping in, but that her insecurities were based upon fear and uncertainty. She explained that she was an observant and vigilant individual who would, to the best of her ability, not allow any harm to come to the children in her charge. When Rebecca asserted herself and her new-found confidence in the meeting, her mother-in-law admitted that she had reservations about Rebecca’s commitment to the children based upon her lack of parenting experience. By clearing up prior unspoken doubts, the two women worked out a schedule whereby Rebecca would take more charge of her step-children, and her mother-in-law would support her decisions openly.
Two months after the “meeting” Rebecca came in to happily report that she and her mother-in-law found a nice balance of mutual friendship based solely upon getting to know each other. Rebecca welcomes her mother-in-law’s short, bi-weekly visits with the kids, and has found herself at the center of praise for her quickly learned parenting skills.
No One Has All the Answers
Rebecca’s story is an example of the importance of having a more complete sense of yourself. Without this, you may be easily swayed by the opinions of others based upon nothing more than your lack of confidence. In Rebecca’s case, once she recognized that no one parent has all of the answers, and that no one method of parenting is better or worse than the other—as long as the method involves love, boundaries, praise and consequences within reason of a child’s level of emotional and physical maturity—she moved forward with eager enthusiasm and enjoyment in her role as a step-parent. More importantly, she was viewed by the outside world as an individual who made good decisions and with whom the children could be trusted.
~ * ~
If you are unsure of who you are (and who isn’t to some degree), you need to really work on asking yourself important questions that can help you to gain insight. If people perceive you in a manner that is unfair and inaccurate—a common scenario—take a step back from this identification. You do not have to behave according to their expectations. What would it mean to be true to yours?
Children are great judges of character; they can spot an impostor from a mile away, and worse, have no qualms about exposing you. They are also forgiving. If they know you are doing the best you can, that you may make some mistakes along the way, but that you always have their best interest at heart, they will support, defend, and love you.
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