AGREEMENTS: Lessons I Chose on My Journey toward the Light. Linda Stein-Luthke

      Chapter 8

      Elusive Comfort

      After we moved to Carolyn’s spacious home in Shaker Heights, there was a lot for this newly blended family to learn about each other. Prior to the move Carolyn had systematically gone through our kitchen in Akron and thrown out all duplicate items that wouldn’t fit in her kitchen. This had been another heartbreaking event for me as I watched pots, pans, and other special items that had been associated with “home” or “Mom” being tossed away. There would have been a security or comfort in having things move with us that had belonged to us.

      But we essentially arrived in Cleveland with our clothes, Howard’s toys, our books and records, a couch, a TV, and Daddy’s favorite chair. Everything else was either thrown away, given away, or sold.

      Carolyn cooked differently, kept her house differently, and raised her children -- who were 11 and 13 -- differently. Although she was very kind, she was not demonstrative. I had been used to hugs and kisses even on our worst days. That was not forthcoming here.

      My sister and I had a small room at the top of the stairs while Carolyn’s boys kept their spacious rooms nearby. Although all these changes were challenging, I was determined that life was now going to be more fun for me.

      I met some more of Barry’s friends and made new friends. I dated and attended school. Nothing seemed as much fun as my life in Akron used to be. The east coast kids at Akron University were far more sophisticated and fun and I began to feel like I had been demoted in my new life. Kent State University was huge compared to Akron University where everyone had seemed to know everyone else. At Kent I was lost in a sea of students. I began to feel invisible.

      All this change made me depressed, which was a new emotion for me. Before, I’d been angry and determined. Now, I had nothing to be angry about, just a great sadness that life wasn’t better, only different. I began to put on weight, which didn’t help at all.

      When Barry came home on his last leave before the end of his duty, he brought a fellow sailor along with him. This was baffling to me. Why had this guy come home with him? I couldn’t understand. This did not heighten my mood at all, and the visit went badly. We seldom saw each other and when we did, his pal was with him.

      I decided this was just a weird aberration in our relationship, and we’d be fine once he was finally free from the Navy. But the letters and phone calls became more infrequent. He was now stationed in Long Beach awaiting his freedom. I thought this would make communication easier since he was no longer on a boat. It didn’t. Meanwhile, I switched to Cuyahoga Community College where I received another full scholarship. I began working part time and slowly regained some of my self-esteem as I lost the extra pounds and finally bought my own clothes with my own money.

      My Sociology professor even offered me a full scholarship to attend the same summer work program in New York that Bobbie had attended when she pursued her Sociology degree. I was thrilled at the offer until, during a visit to his office he put his hand on my knee and expressed the feeling that he thought we had a “special” relationship. I wasn’t so sure we did and decided to decline the offer.

      Finally the day arrived. Barry was home! I couldn’t wait to see him. When he called, I asked when we’d meet. He said we wouldn’t. He had something important to tell me and he wanted to tell me over the phone. He’d brought “Judy” home with him and they’d already found an apartment to share. He’d met her in Long Beach and decided she was really the right girl for him.

      Now my depression returned with a vengeance. Barry’s best friend came to the rescue. He thought Barry had treated me badly. Most of his other friends agreed. I confessed to Barry’s friend that I’d been attracted to him all these years, but out of loyalty to Barry had not expressed my feelings before. His kind, sweet nature was now winning my heart. The feelings were mutual, so we began to date.

      But it wasn’t the same. One evening Barry’s friend decided enough was enough and after taking me to see a James Bond movie, we headed to Barry’s apartment. I had no idea we were going there and Barry had no idea we were coming.

      It was a most uncomfortable meeting. Judy did not seem too thrilled either. We stayed for one beer and then headed out the door. I was furious and just wanted to get home. That was the end of my relationship with Barry’s friend. He wanted me back with Barry. I didn’t know where I wanted to be!

      I began dating fellows from near-by Case Western Reserve University. One evening I was at our favorite pizza hang out with a date and Barry came in alone. I introduced him to my date and then ignored him. This felt really good!

      Three months later, Barry called. It was his birthday and he was now living back home with his folks. His mom had Boston Terriers that had just had pups and he wanted me to come see them.

      I decided to go. He confessed that seeing me that night at his apartment and then at the pizza place made him realize that he was with the wrong woman. I knew that! I just thought he was too dumb to figure it out! He’d sent Judy back to Long Beach and was now a single man. We talked and laughed and everything felt right again.

      Barry was now working for his father and was about to relocate to Cincinnati. He wanted me to come with him. I said I wouldn’t move unless we were married.

      I came home from our meeting that day and told Carolyn that we would either be married in six weeks or that would be the end of it. I was nineteen years old. I wouldn’t be twenty until September. Why was I in such a rush? I didn’t know. It just seemed that it was time. She was surprised at how sure I was about this. I was surprised too!