an omelette for breakfast. "Oh sure, that sounds nice", I say naively. Or, "A Porter-Cable rotating sander for my birthday". When she presents me with my birthday gift a week later, I act totally surprised. "Wow, I've been wanting one of these." And, "You probably have as great a husband as anyone you know." For the next couple of days she keeps telling me how lucky she is to have a guy like me, and that I'm so special, although she can not remember exactly why.
Last night when we went to bed, she announced that she was going to read before turning off the light. And then, "Tom, did you hide my glasses?" Of course I did. That was entertaining, but the real fun begins AFTER she goes to sleep.
Bioprospecting in your own backyard
Picture this scene for a moment from 500 years ago, somewhere in Ethiopia or Arabia. A man picks some ripe fruit from a plant we now call the coffee tree. Inside the reddish fruit are two seeds embedded in a gelatinous material with the consistency of an 8-year old's snot in January, although it is somewhat sweet. He removes the seeds, somehow dissolves the snotty material that coats each seed, dries the seeds, roasts them over a fire, grinds them up, pours hot water over them, and drinks the beverage so created. Are you kidding me? Although used originally only in religious ceremonies, coffee is one of the most popular drinks in the world today, with over 100 million people dependent on coffee for their livelihoods.
Or picture this from about 2,000 years ago. Some Native Americans, and the early Greeks as well, happened to suck on the leaf of a willow tree at the time they had a headache or a fever and found that their symptoms improved. Later, the bark was soaked in water and the solution used as a medicinal. It turns out that willows contain a chemical we now call aspirin. Aspirin, which is produced commercially these days, is probably the oldest and most widely used medicine by humans. What are the odds?
Now, I don't know what the trial and error process was for these early discoverers of coffee and aspirin, or for maple syrup, bee honey, silkworm silk for clothing, tobacco for smoking, or any of thousands of other such examples. The facts are clear: humans have been exploring and investigating the fauna and flora in their environment for a very long time, resulting in many useful products that we take for granted today. This continues today in a highly technological milieu in an endeavor called "bioprospecting". But to the ancients, there was a logic to many of these discoveries. For example, willows are found in low lying wet or damp areas, which is also where the fever or "ague" was prevalent. It made sense to them that there would be a treatment for the ailment that was found in the same area. We will employ that same logic below.
Given that I spend a lot of time in my woods, and I know the plants and animals pretty well, why can't DrTom discover a really useful food or health remedy on his own. Those early humans didn't even attend The Ohio State University. I have some ideas that might work:
1. Collect 8-10 earwigs, mash them up with a mortar and pestle from your kitchen, and add a teaspoon of cheap whiskey (for heaven's sake, don't use a single-malt scotch). Strain out the body parts of the insects, gently warm the remaining solution, and pour it carefully into an infected ear. It could relieve ear aches, and it is much cheaper than having the doctor insert tubes in the ears of young children. (See the idea here: earwigs to cure ear aches.)
2. Gather up 6-8 red fruits from a flowering dogwood tree. Mash them in your mortar and pestle (but washed after the earwig procedure), blend in some fresh deer pellets, and add a splash of warm water. This slurry can be used to spread on your family pet's coat and it might repel ticks and fleas. (The dogwood is the active ingredient, but dogs love the smell of deer poop, so they will allow you to apply this liberally.) Keep dog off bed for about a week after application.
3. For men over 60. Capture a live Dickcissel (a bird found in meadows of the midwestern U.S.) and collect several breast feathers. (Can you guess where I am going with this?) Soak the feathers in cheap vodka for about a day. Strain out the feathers, add a shot of dry vermouth and a dash of Angostura bitters, and shake gently. Imbibe slowly during Happy Hour. Should work for ED. If you maintain an erection for more than eight hours, rejoice! and then consult a physician.
These are just a few ideas off the top of my head. If you can think of more, please send them to me, but tell no one. The protection of intellectual property is a real issue when bioprospecting. But the right idea could make us millions. Also, I want only "green" suggestions. Notice I did not think the Dickcissel liver would work, only breast feathers, which are renewable. (For the economists and political scientists who are reading this, if you remove the bird's liver, it dies.) Think broadly, dig deeply, and tread lightly. Happy prospecting!
DrTom’s first Rosh Hashanah
Next Saturday, Management and I are invited to the home of our son-in-law's relatives to celebrate Rosh Hashanah for the first time in our lives. Our son-in-law Mitch is Jewish; we are not. We know nothing about this Jewish holiday, so we feel a bit intimidated, as we will be the only ex-Lutheran and ex-Congregationalist atheists in attendance.
My wife and I were raised with the custom that when you are invited to someone's home for a meal, you bring an appropriate gift or item to contribute. What the heck would that be in this case? Is there a Rosh Hashanah cake we can buy at the bakery? A Rosh Hashanah pickle or pretzels? Maybe there is something growing in DrTom's gardens or woods that would work. Is there anything screaming "Mazal tov! Eat me for Rosh Hashanah"? Do I have any kosher fungi growing on a log, or kosher fiddleheads (no, that would be in spring), or matzah balls (do they grow in the woods?).
We have been to numerous Jewish ceremonies since our daughter married Mitch, so it is not like we know nothing. Her wedding was great--all that dancing with chairs and stomping glasses on the floor. Baby-naming ceremonies with good food. A somber funeral. Even the briss for my helpless grandson, with all that cutting and blood and wasted foreskin, was bearable. So much Hebrew spoken at all these events that I now feel so completely at ease with the language that I even utter a couple of remembered words when I smash my finger with a hammer or drop a log on my toes. The beauty of using Hebrew when you are angry or in pain is that if anyone hears you, they simply think you are breaking into a verse of "Fiddler on the Roof". But we have no experience with this particular Jewish holiday.
I even listened to that Adam Sandler song several times to get some guidance about Rosh Hashanah, but then realized his song is about that OTHER Jewish holiday, Hannukah. How does one dress for Rosh Hashanah? Formal or biz cas? Should I obtain a yarmulke (pronounced yamaka) to wear? Maybe you can find one of those at an army-navy surplus store. And, do I have to drink Mogen David wine at this event or can I order a single-malt? Does my cigar have to be kosher, or can it just be Nicaraguan?
I have so many questions and I feel so ignorant. But I guess I will just follow one of my mottos in life for this event, and "Just show up, and be prepared to have a good time".
Saturday night at Punk’s Place
This will be only our second visit to Punk's Place in Candor, NY, and our first Saturday night. Live music. Drinks. Food. I've showered for the first time in two days, and I shaved for the first time this month. Kind of an autumnal equinox celebratory shave. Not thinking so much about what I might drink there (they seem to be a little shy of single malts), but what I might eat. I noticed last time that the menu had reuben sandwiches, so I have been thinking about that all day. But you know, anticipating going out to a place like this is just not what it was 30 years ago. It takes effort to get presentable and, besides, I normally go to bed about 10pm. Have to feed the damn dog at 5am.
Management and I will almost certainly be the oldest people in the joint, but we are getting used to that. It seems it has been that way for a long time. When we visit our sons in Denver, they take us out to tequila bars, latin dance clubs, or parties at their friends'
