here and say hello, okaaaaaaaaay.” The man that Randy called to is walking over towards us. Randy tells me that Edward Matuna works for the Guam International Business Advisory. Both of his parents are half Chamorro and half Caucasian.
“But as you can see he inherited the haole genetics” Randy says shaking hands with Edward Matuna “and he is just as white as you.”
“Eh, maybe we related” Edward Matuna says to Randy before he turns to me and extends his hand.
“You the new manager for Tropics Gym, I’m Ed Matuna” he says, shaking my hand.
“Call me Tuna, everybody call me Tuna. Eh, you hungry umby?” he asks.
C’mon, let’s go eat” he says before I can respond.
I like this guy, Tuna. He didn’t wait for me to answer. He must know that it is a long flight and standing here smiling while being stared at by a group of strangers is making me uncomfortable. Besides, I really am hungry. I follow my new friend ‘Tuna’ Matuna into the dining room.
The buffet table is overflowing with platters of food. Following Tuna’s lead, I take a plate and some chopsticks. I have only seen set ups like this at catered events like wedding receptions and I am so hungry this is a welcome sight but I don’t see any familiar food except for some small tortillas and a platter of BBQ Chicken. I take three small tortillas, and pile on some kind of ground up meat.
“Like Kelaguen?” Tuna asks me. I smile. I have no idea what the hell he is talking about.
“Umby, that stuff on your plate is one mix of lemon pepper, onion, peppers, coconut an shredded chicken, called Kelaguen” he says as if he can read my thoughts.
“Try put kelaguen on tahteezahs. Had Chamorro food?” He asks.
My blank expression makes him laugh.
‘No worry, umby. On Guam we call corn tortillas, tahteezahs. Its spelled T-I-T-I-Y-A S but the letter Y is pronounced like ‘ZH’. Take one scoop red rice too” he says, scooping some reddish orange colored rice onto my plate. “Chamorro style rice, we put achiote seeds into the steamer with the rice. It gives the rice one nutty flavor and make it red. Try fiddahdenny” he says handing me a small saucer with what looks like soy sauce.
“Is it shoyu?” I ask.
“No, F- I- N- A- D- E- N- E” he says spelling out the word and then pronouncing all four syllables for me: “fin-ah-den-ny. Is soy sauce, lemon juice, chopped onion an chop chili pepper” he says.
I take the small saucer and follow Tuna over to one of the large dining room tables. There are two long tables, each with seating for twelve and two smaller circular tables, each with seating for six. Randy sits next to me to my left and Tuna takes a seat on my right. Tuna is talking to a girl on his right side so I just start eating.
“You will love it here pahtnaaaah” Randy says “the food, the weather, the people, pahtnaaaah, you are going to love it here! But you probably don’t know anything about Guam and if you do, you probably only know the history that you read in text books and they are filled with lies, okaaaaaaaaay!”
“The history of Guam, the real history”, Randy says “cannot be found in text books. You may have heard that Ferdinand Magellan named the island of Guam Los Ladrones which is Spanish for ‘the thieves’ but Magellan was a pirate who stole from the Chamorro people. He got away with it here but he paid for it in the Philippines. That is where Magellan the pirate met a fate similar to Captain Cook in Hawaii.”
I’m stuffing my mouth with tortillas and kelaguen so I shake my head back and forth to respond.
“You don’t know? “ He asks. “Oh my, my pahtnaaaah, the Hawaiians killed Captain Cook and then COOKED the Captain” He says laughing.
“Pahtnaaaah, when Captain James Cook and his crew returned to Kealakekua Bay only three days after finally setting sail at the end of an extended stay, the Hawaiians took it as a bad omen. And the sailors provoked the Hawaiians. It finally ended when the Hawaiians clubbed and stabbed Captain Cook to death, cut up and burned his corpse. The Hawaiians brought Captain Cook’s scalp, skull, both hands and the meat from one of his thighs to the sailors as an offering of peace. I don’t know if they ate it or not.”
I stop eating and look at Randy. Is he really telling this to me at the dinner table? Before I can say anything, he continues with the history lesson.
“That other celebrated pirate, Magellan, he was shot by the poisonous arrow of Chief Lapu-Lapu and then he was stabbed to death by Pilipino warriors! Magellan’s dead body was chopped up and fed to the fish. Smart people those Pinoys, okaaaaaaay!”
Randy’s sitting here talking about savage killing, mutilations and burnt human flesh which might normally make me puke but I am tired, overwhelmed and still very hungry. I excuse myself from the table to get more kelaguen and titiyas.
Randy is not at his seat when I return to the table and I manage to eat without interruption. I really like this kelaguen stuff. When I finish, I notice Tuna staring at me. “Umby, you one hungry haole!” He laughs “need to balutan when you go.” Tuna explains to me that balutan is the same as ‘make plate’ in Hawaii. Basically, when you a guest at someone’s house, you take a plate of food with you when you leave. Most hosts provide paper plates and foil for just this purpose.
“Yah, I know about ‘make plate’. I lived Hawaii about seven years.” I say “but why do you keep calling me umby?”
“Eh, umby means friend in Chamorro, same as Spanish word ‘hombre’ but we spell it u-m-b-r-e and say it umby like Gumby, umbre” he says with a laugh.
Tuna explains that he grew up on Guam, went to the University of Guam and had been the manager of the family bait shop until his father sold the business and moved back to the mainland USA with a new wife. After the sale of the bait shop, Tuna spent a few months partying and playing around blowing most of his share of the payout from the sale of the business and after a few months, he became bored and decided that since he was practically broke, he needed to find a new job. Tuna’s mother, Mrs. Matuna and Mr. Saru’s mother are cousins and because Mr. Saru is pahree of the governor, he could help Tuna get a government job and he did.
“Is how things work here. Mainlanders call it nepotism but here we just helping family” Tuna says.
“Pahree is like a best friend, right?” I ask, remembering what I learned from Alan earlier.
“Pahree is spelled P-A-R- E and is like one brother not related to you. Mr. Saru pare with the governor and he helped me get one job at GovGuam, the government of Guam, giving advice for new business.” He says.
Not only had Tuna managed a bait shop, but he says that he has an economics degree from the University of Guam which means that he is not only qualified, but also a good candidate for the job.
‘So why didn’t you just apply for a job?” I ask.
“Umbre lai, no one in GovGuam get hired like that. Everybody hooked up by one relative. Everyone get one pare with one uncle that work for GovGuam.”
“What does umbre lie mean?” I ask.
“Already tell you that umbre is friend. Chamorro word for boy is lahi so when I say umbre lai is like saying oh boy or oh brother” he says with a smile
