contained in this book.
Names of survivors and partners mentioned in this book have been changed to protect their confidentiality.
Every reasonable effort has been made to trace the sources of materials in this book, but in some instances this has proven impossible. The authors and publisher will be glad to receive information leading to more complete acknowledgements in subsequent printings of the book and in the meantime extend their apologies for any omissions.
Published by CIACT, Inc. Publishing.
This work is subject to copyright. All rights reserved. Except in a review or critical articles, the reproduction or utilization of this work in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying, and recording, and any information storage and retrieval system, is forbidden without permission of the publisher. For permission requests or further information, address CIACT, Inc. Publishing, P.O. Box 341388, Bethesda, MD 20827-1388.
Copyright 2011 Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz,
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by CIACT, Inc.
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ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0413-4
Foreword
It is an honor to contribute to this marvelous book. I write with the enthusiasm of a person who needs this book to refer to many friends and family who have received a diagnosis of cancer. Also, it is helpful to all of us as we age - including me! This book can help anyone to explore in depth the options available to satisfy sexual longings and enhance intimacy in a relationship.
Ralph and Barbara Alterowitz write with the ease and knowledge of those who have made the journey from cancer diagnosis to a positive change in their spousal relationship. The journey requires the kind of knowledge, understanding and caring that is obviously present in this much-needed book.
Each year, hundreds of thousands of women receive the shocking diagnosis of cancer. Just hearing it can burn in your ears until nothing else can be heard or felt. The dreaded “C” word brings with it another dreaded “C” word - change. Who can remain unchanged after receiving a diagnosis of cancer? However, most will find that their view of living can be adapted to suit the “new normal” Ralph and Barbara so vividly describe, which eventually comes after the diagnosis and treatment.
It is accurate to say that we are sexual beings from birth to death. As we move past inexhaustible adolescent sexuality, changes usually come slowly, until we realize one day that even when the spirit is willing the body may not be cooperating - whether from surgery, aging, medication or some other factor. While change is inevitable in ordinary living, cancer brings a special realization of imminent change that can be used by a couple to have a positive impact on their relationship.
When the immediate shock of the diagnosis subsides, questions emerge concerning mortality, image to others and self-image. You might ask, “Will my partner still be attracted to me? Is this the end to sex? Since I’m not going to die right away, what will my life be like?” To answer these questions and many more, invaluable information from people who have been where you are now is available in The Lovin’ Ain’t Over for Women with Cancer.
A cancer diagnosis may be received by a woman of any age, in or out of a relationship, and in any sort of relationship. Whoever you are and no matter what your situation may be, you will be able to find yourself in this book. The Lovin’ Ain’t Over for Women with Cancer can be viewed as a guide to better living through making informed choices regarding your relationships as well as by maneuvering some of the choices during treatment.
While loving sexual relationships are rife with ups and downs, scary emotions and angst, they are also a great source of security, bonding and fulfilling emotions. As the authors write, “Good loving is the physical expression of emotional intimacy, and there are few humans who do not want or need emotional intimacy.” How do you get there after cancer? The answer, “Good humor and information help,” is a tip from the authors.
How do you keep up relationships with friends, acquaintances and intimate partners during and after cancer treatments? The dreaded “C” words - cancer and change - can be dealt with via a good “C” word - communication. Communication that delivers confidence, closeness and understanding is a key to all good relationships.
While this book is intended to be mostly about relationships following a cancer diagnosis, Barbara and Ralph offer numerous tips throughout the book for anyone facing treatment for cancer.
Finally, this book is not only for the person who has received a diagnosis of cancer, it is also for your partner, because together you can strengthen your relationship while learning about how best to make this journey.
Ignorance is never bliss; knowledge is a light that obliterates ignorance and paves the way to better choices and a fulfilling life.
Joycelyn Elders, M.D.
Former Surgeon General of the United States
Preface
Cancer throws a woman off balance. Quite often, it also changes her relationship with her spouse or significant other, including their sex life. For single women, a change in sexual function after cancer treatment can potentially affect future relationships. But cancer does not have to mean the end of a healthy and happy love life. You can rebuild a strong and vibrant sexual relationship - and that is such an important part of our human experience and of a couple’s bond.
We have lived this experience of survivorship and rebuilding intimacy, albeit in our case, the cancer patient was Ralph. His treatment for prostate cancer caused sexual dysfunction and, at the same time, threw us into a world of survivors and support groups. Along the course of this journey, we discovered that the great undocumented - and misunderstood - topic for prostate cancer survivors was sex. We were not the only couple trying to figure out sex after cancer! Over the next few years, we researched, studied and became certified sexuality counselors. We brought the subject out into the open and wrote The Lovin’Ain’t Over: The Couple’s Guide to Better Sex After Prostate Disease, the pioneering guidebook for couples on renewing their intimate life after prostate cancer surgery. Many couples told us that the book helped them create a greater level of intimacy than they had expected, one possibly even more satisfying than what they had enjoyed before the partner’s cancer. Encouraged by this feedback, and by the success of the book, in 2004 Da Capo Press asked us to update it and published Intimacy with Impotence: The Couple’s Guide to Better Sex After Prostate Disease.
After many of our prostate cancer support group sessions, we had women participants come up to us to say that major female cancers can have just as profound an impact on women’s sexuality as prostate cancer can have on men. Many women whose male partners had survived prostate cancer had had their own bouts with breast or gynecological cancers, or had friends who went through this experience. They said it was just as necessary to provide women with information about sexuality after women’s cancers as it was for male cancers, and urged us to research and publish our findings. They also asked us to keep our focus on the “whole person” and “whole couple” - the physical mechanics of sex, the psychological aspects of intimacy, and the dynamics of both partner/partner and patient/practitioner discussions. We have done exactly that in this new book in the The Lovin’Ain’t Over series.
The Lovin’ Ain’t Over for
