a prison cell with no crime committed.
I think the loss of a developing company without any hearing or trial is a crime. Confinement without a crime is a crime.
This morning, I began to wonder at what price one finally acquiesces. At what stage of pain, loneliness, fear or loss does one drink the Kool-Aid? Is authority always the victor? Is integrity worth your freedom, your family, your life, and your dignity? Do we genuflect, and at what price? Each individual must make that choice. There are some willing to martyr for their belief, and yet others say "OK, if you don't want me to believe that way - no big deal"?
Is my Judge someone who has been told to believe (and believes) that the SEC is right, no matter what they say? Has he simply “parroted” the SEC’s opinion and disregarded my position and me personally as an individual and respected member of society? In this society do most agree with him? Are most afraid of authority? Does my pain this morning need to be further expanded or simply accepted? Will I lose forever the world I built? Does the pain ever subside, or will pain get more difficult each morning? A true patriot, Patrick Henry said, "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country". This is how I still feel today.
What are my limits? What are my loved ones limits? Why do others in political re-education camps acquiesce? Can one "pretend" to believe or does a "pretend sell-out" still mean a sell-out? To whom, am I selling out? How long must I suffer for a cause which may or may not ever be admitted? Who pays for my financial destruction? What if the system is broken all the way to the top? If my destruction is so easy, why will they relent? When and if I return home; will I ever recover financially? Will others look differently towards me? Not heroically, but with contempt or fear? Do members of a society see when that society has begun to die?
I have sold all of my remaining personal assets to fund the appeal of this unconstitutional decision for my shareholders and myself.
How many mornings away before loved ones forget about you?
Waking up in here has become "normal". Time has been taken away as well. I have committed no crime, but have the perceptions of the propagandized lies of my fabricated wrong-doing made me appear toxic and dismissible from other's lives?
Who will trust to work with me? Will this diseased SEC-created leper (me) now be distrusted by those in the financial establishment? Will the wrongs created by one Judge and the fearful mistruths of the SEC, as well as their conflicted receiver ever be reversed? Have they successfully painted this victim as the criminal and improperly punished him - despite his honesty and integrity?
I persist, and I suffer. I suffer for my country. Has my America forgotten? Have my fellow Americans chosen to not fight for what has always made us different from other civilizations? In these deep dark morning moments, like a shaggy dog, shaking water off after a bath; I shake, but I must not forget it isn’t water I’m trying to shake off, but injustice. When such injustices as these occur, City hall can and should be defeated, because Americans are given the opportunity to define themselves, their character and their reputations. No matter how vulnerable, pained, angry, disgusted or righteously indignant one has been made to feel - one must persevere and fight for truth. Take everything from me - but you can't take away the TRUTH!
I am listening to a dialogue between an inmate and a prison representative. Apparently, the inmate didn't listen to a guard. The representative basically sentenced him to sixty days of no visitation and thirty days of no commissary privileges. What then about my phone rights? When will someone recognize that no crime has been committed? Hearing my attorney tell me I am innocent and this is an outrage, does not rescue me from a world foreign to any well-balanced society member. I left a note hanging outside my cell demanding a phone call. After listening to that "counseling" session on disrespect, I decided to wait until they let me call. I ripped up the request. This is like playing cards with the guy who made the cards and who changes the rules of the game as it is being played.
As this gum chewing cow-like woman CO counseled two other inmates about not disrupting the system and following the rules, I waited until she finished. Maybe she could help me make a phone call. As she finished, I requested to speak to her. She walked away ignoring me as her gum chewing continued, unabated. The young man in solitary was put here because his counselor didn't fill out his requested visitor's pass and his mother was not allowed to visit him after coming from Kansas. He expressed his frustration and questioned his counselor's professionalism. That's a crime? There is no professionalism in this macabre world of disorder and inconsistent laws. It is the exact opposite of what on paper they pretend it to be. That is the truth. Save these young people and damaged individuals from more damaging behavior. Completely reform this prison system. Privatizing it only assures more unnecessary arrests to insure private corporate profitability.
It's frustrating not knowing the results of today's call with the Judge, which was to discuss my release. Not hearing anything however makes me think that the answer was no release again today. I’ll wait until tomorrow morning, and still hope for a degree of civility and my eventual release.
Tonight there is not much to report, but the phone situation remained the same. I did receive the phone tonight, but the prison computer said "no way". I plan to hand the warden another letter tomorrow on his Thursday morning walk through. I hope my letter is also met with some degree of professionalism and responsiveness.
Showers occurred again tonight. This was my first mouse in the shower experience. At first, it seemed the guards were trying to treat me with the same courtesy which I extend to them. – Then the mouse. I just miss my family. I worry at the financial challenges that this incarceration, as well as these appealed fines will do without my legal victory occurring. Yet still, I didn't step on the mouse.
I may be trading a book tonight with a cell neighbor. I hope I get one in English that I can actually read.
It's quiet tonight and I hear it is only 8 PM. That's not a long time until I try to sleep without thinking about going home tomorrow. Remember we have no clocks, and time management becomes a mind exercise in here.
Today after my legal visit, it took over an hour and forty-five minutes to get me back upstairs. They had only one elevator and I am a low priority, I guess. Lunch was three hours cold waiting for me. It contained a pretty hard piece of meat, which I put on a sandwich. Dinner was spaghetti and two ounces of an inedible spicy sauce. I'm certainly not overeating.
Tonight's book trade was typical of this institution, and worth trying to explain. The inmate next door yelled to me "did I want to trade books"? "Yes, tonight", I said, "I'm just about finished." I had over 200 pages to read, but he seemed anxious and I didn't want to keep him waiting. I read from the end of my legal visit to just after my shower. "I'm ready", I said. A guard came by and both the other inmate and I explained the trade. The guard gave me his book, I handed my book to him to give to my neighbor. There was silence. I began reading. Then the sad voice from my neighbor was heard. "Did you give him the book"? "I didn't get it," he said. I started yelling for the guard and one of the orderlies found the book I was yelling about. The disappointment in the voice of my neighbor made me somehow feel I had let him down. I could see the book that the orderly was holding. He said, "I'll bring it in when they unlock the doors." I felt relieved. I hadn't let this poor reader down. One hour, two hours. The book was still missing. No book could be found, and my neighbor had nothing to read. It's so revealing of a system without professional consequences.
This morning I awoke early (before breakfast) to prepare for the warden's walk-through, to update my diary, and to organize if I am leaving. I won't be disappointed because appropriate actions just don't always occur in a world permeated by malaise and lack of attention to detail surrounded by men and women "doing their time". That's the employees of the Justice Department as well of the inmates of whom I am speaking.
With the help of the orderly, I had another
