had to stop! There had been far too many tears these past months. She knew she still shed tears for Mama, but today she seemed to be crying for Papa, the boys, even herself, knowing she would no longer have Thomas either. She inhaled a deep, if somewhat shaky breath and with her little hands knotted in fists, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut and tried to force herself into control. With a vague prayer that her next nineteen years fared better, she rose and went down to the kitchen.
The boys were eating the pie she had made for dessert. Both jerked their heads up immediately at her step, alarm showing clearly on their faces. When they saw that it was their sister rather than Papa, they both relaxed immediately. Again, Jessica thought to herself, I have to do something about this! We cannot go on this way! We just cannot! She looked at Tommy, almost startled at really seeing him. He had always been small for his age and everyone just thought he took after Mama. These past six months it seemed like he had grown every day. It was all she could do to keep up with his clothing the way he was growing. Now, he was nearly as tall as Papa. She asked herself when that had happened. She glanced at his face and winced inwardly. He shouldn't have to have that haunted look on his face. He should be out doing what other boys his age were doing. Boys? No, he was a young man now, not a boy!
A while back, they had moved his bed into the hallway outside her bedroom. He felt that they were too old now to be in the same bedroom, Pa or not. Then, yesterday he offered to move back down to his own room and get things back to normal. She told him she felt safer when all three of them were upstairs, and closer together than they would be had he moved back downstairs. He had looked relieved, and proud that he might be protecting her and making her feel better.
Jacob was so like Papa. He had his dark hair with the deep red and blonde streaks in it and even walked like Papa. Tommy had Mama's light blonde hair and gentle blue eyes, and a nature that was gentle and kind like Mama. They were fine boys, and Mama would have been excessively proud of them. Papa didn't seem to know they even existed now. Many times in the past few months, Tommy had tried to approach Papa, but those attempts were met with either blank stares, or a sudden fit of grief. Tommy no longer even tried. What should she do? She asked herself again.
A knock came at the back door. She went to answer it and found Thomas standing there; somewhat nervously from the way he was twisting his hat in his hands. She stood back and let him into the kitchen where he, and the boys exchanged greetings. Jessica had to tell him to take a seat, since he stood shuffling his feet and looking ill at ease. When he looked at her it was not quite in the eye. She found herself sighing again. Sitting down, she wondered if something else had gone wrong that she didn't even know about yet.
Thomas was nearly twenty-seven years old but somehow seemed younger to her than he had months before. Perhaps, she thought, these past months have made me grow up so fast and take on so much responsibility that I have matured to the point of passing him by.
Finally, Thomas turned his attention away from Tommy and Jacob and looked directly at Jessica. His chest seemed to ache with the beauty that met his eyes. He knew that she had absolutely no idea how incredibly beautiful she was. That just made her all the more desirable to him. She was so innocent, but still she stirred his blood in a very manly sort of way when he looked at her. He had never seen eyes like hers on a woman before. He had tossed and turned many a night in his bed when he pictured her in his mind. She would be shocked if she knew how many times he had tried to envision her without clothes. Oh, Hell, he was letting his thoughts run wild. He had come here tonight to talk.
“Jessie, is there some place, we could talk? Maybe take a walk or stand out on the porch or something?” Thomas asked.
“Why, certainly, just stay right there, and I will run and get a shawl.” She felt fear of the unknown making her stand as straight and tall as her five foot three-inch height would allow. She walked from the room as ladylike as she could, but when out of sight she raced in a very unladylike fashion up to her bedroom.
What is wrong with me, she wondered again? Here just this afternoon I was worried about how to tell him that I couldn't, marry him. Now that I think that is what he is here to tell me I feel like I have been kicked in the chest. She grabbed her shawl and quickly ran back down to the kitchen, before she had any more time to dwell on it and upset herself even more.
Jessica and Thomas went out onto the porch and the brisk March evening. Involuntarily she shivered as a chilling wind caught her unexpectedly. She fleetingly thought of the bitter cold morning that had dawned on the day Mama had died and said a prayer that these chilling spells in the weather didn't always warn of tragedy to come. She quickly dismissed that idea, and thought to herself, she would have to learn to control these fanciful thoughts she found going through her head so much these days. Thomas had noticed her shiver and looked down at her.
“Jess, if it’s too cold out here we can go back inside where it’s warmer.”
“Oh no, really Thomas this is fine, besides, I needed the fresh air.” She said, pulling her shawl more tightly around her. She was afraid suddenly. It seemed as though in the past half-year she had lost too many people that were very dear to her. Mama, and actually Papa as well, and now that the time had come to lose Thomas, she felt as though she couldn't face it. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let things go on as they were, at least for a while longer. That is, unless Thomas wanted to have her release him. That would be different, otherwise, why hurry things? All around her things had rushed past her in a manner over which she had no choosing, let alone any control. Just let this go on naturally, don't interfere she told herself. All the same she was nervous and surely wished that Thomas would get on with why he had wanted to talk to her.
Thomas was nervous himself. If only there were some way to know what this beautiful woman beside him was thinking. He didn't know what to do about the mess their lives had become. He could vividly remember that afternoon last October. He had arrived with his parents, thinking he was going to formally propose to this woman beside him. Instead, he had run head long into the most agonized family he had ever seen in his entire life. He had entered the sitting room, after knocking for quite some time and no one answering, yet being able to hear sounds from inside, he had gone on inside thinking they couldn't hear the knock.
When he was inside the sight of Jessica and her brothers sitting together, obviously crying alerted him that something had occurred, and it was something terrible for them, Jessica had raised her head and looked at him, and it was a pitiful sight! Those eyes of hers, cat eyes sort of, like an injured little cat looking at him. It took him a while to understand what had happened, All the while John Ferrall could be heard ranting and raving and even wailing. He had never heard the likes of the sounds coming from the bedroom that day. He had wanted to grab Jessica's little hand and run with her, as far as possible from this farm. He couldn't do that of course, not with her Papa and the boys depending on her and all. He hadn't known what to do.
Now, what would she think of his plan tonight? Would she think that he had lost his mind, just like John had? Because whether or not she would admit it, or maybe she did not even realize it, John Ferrall had definitely lost his mind. Why, everyone in the valley could see that. They knew it was because he was so crazy in love with his wife for a while, but now thought he was just plain crazy. Thomas could almost understand that! It sure would drive him crazy to lose Jessica at least he thought it might.
Lately, Thomas didn't want to be around because he saw something in John's eyes that made him fearful. It was as though he was completely over the edge, as if all the love he had felt for his wife bad turned to madness. It made Thomas nervous that Jessica stayed here with him. He couldn't stand the thought of that crazy man doing anything to Jessica. You just never knew what a crazy man might do. That's why he hoped she would go along with his idea. He thought it was a good one. It was logical and solid. Really, he didn't see any alternative he just hoped she wouldn't either.
“Jessica, you know we have to talk, don't you?”
“I
