Her voice had quivered, and he had heard it. What was wrong with her, he wondered? He wanted to take her in his arms and love her. Really, love her, so she couldn't think of all of these other problems, just his loving. Instead, he said, “It’s about your Pa, surely you can see that something has to be done, why, even you have to admit he can't just go on like he is.”
“Whatever do you mean, Thomas? Why, we all know that Papa has been beside himself with grief, but he just needs time. Just, some more time to put what has happened behind him, that's all.”
She wondered why she had bristled at Thomas mentioning Papa's condition. She had been thinking the same thing herself just this afternoon. Somehow, she felt as though it were a betrayal of him and of Mama to allow someone else to say these things. However, she above anyone knew something had to be done about or at least for Papa.
Now what? Thomas thought. He knew this wasn't going to be easy, but damn it shouldn't be impossible. He felt angry at her quick defense, but made himself remain calm. He would make it worse if he wasn't careful. He knew that.
“Now look, Jess, don't go getting upset, I didn't mean no offense or anything. Can't you understand that I want you so much and I'm so worried about you, and well, the boys too? You have to remember that I have been coming around here a lot, a whole lot. I know almost as well as you do what kind of shape he is in. If you will just hear me out, well, maybe this will be something that will help us all. Just hear me out and then think about it, I mean to really think hard on this plan, all right? Will you at least do that for me?”
Her eyes searched his face and even in the small amount of light coming through the kitchen window. She could see nothing but honesty and caring written on his handsome face. He was earnest, no doubting that.
“Alright Thomas, go ahead and tell me about this plan of yours. Lord knows, I haven't been able to think of what to do and believe me I have been thinking of very little else for a long time now.”
“Now, I know this may sound a little crazy to you, but I have already given it a lot of consideration. About two weeks ago, one of the neighbors came over and told us he was going to be having a sale of nearly all his belongings, except those he could get in his wagon. See, he is pulling out. Things haven't gone so well for him and his family. When they lost two of their boys last winter to the influenza and his Missus just can't stand to live there anymore. Says, everything around the place reminds her of the boys. He found out there is a wagon train full of settlers coming through here, headed west.”
“Well, that got me to thinking about you and me. Looks like to me that maybe this is the answer. Your Papa isn't leaving that bedroom in there hardly ever now, let alone doing anything on the farm. Sooner or later there just isn't going to be anymore farm left. Oh, I know the boys have done a pretty fair job of it, but the fences were down and you lost a lot of stock, even with the fences repaired there still is a lot of stock missing. Tommy knows a goodly bit about the stock breeding your Papa started, but for him it’s like starting over again, and that takes its toll too.” Thomas was watching her face closely.
“What I'm trying to say is, things have gone bad for you. Maybe like my neighbor's wife you need to get him away from here, away from all the reminders of your Mama. It may be the only way he can get past it, and until he is, there ain’t ever going to be a chance for you and me Jess. You know that, I know you do! It's obvious you will never leave him while he is this way, and sure wouldn't leave the boys. I'm getting all fired tired of waiting, and the way things stand, well, there's no end in sight. I want you; Jess like a man wants a woman, like he wants a wife. Do you understand Jess?”
He let his pent-up breath out in a sigh of uneasy relief. There! It was said and dammit it needed to be said. By the time he had finished the last part, he noticed Jess was blushing clear to the roots of her hair. God, she was so innocent!
Jessica was so quiet that he did not know what to think. He was starting to feel like it was hopeless when she finally turned and looked at him again. He could tell she was thinking about it. It was there on her face. Maybe there would be a chance for them after all maybe it was not as hopeless as he had thought.
“You are right. I mean about Papa. He hardly ever leaves the bedroom now. I have tried everything I know of to get him back out here and in the midst of things. Back into life, I have even tried to get him to take walks, at least get into the fresh, air. I thought it might get him interested in the farm again. Nothing has worked. Now you want us to all go west. How would we get him out of here for that if we haven't been able to get him out for any other reason? I don't know if we can ever get him away from here. Away from this house, from what was their bedroom, everything that is Mama to him. How could it be done, and who could do it?”
“Do you want to go out west Jessie?”
“I've always had a yearning for mountains. Isn't that strange? I've never seen any, but I always felt like they were in my heart. Mama used to talk about the mountains a lot when I was little. The great Rocky Mountains she would say, that had been her dream and Papa's too, before we settled here. The past few years I don't remember her talking so much about them, but oh, how she used to. She had always envisioned living on a beautiful lake high up in the rocky mountains!” Jessica was still for a moment, those thoughts lingering in her mind and then said, “Yes, I would like to go west, maybe Mama's dream is what has always put the mountains in my mind, but still it’s something I would really like, for myself. How we would manage to get Papa to leave the farm? That is the part I just don't know about.”
“Oh, dammit, Jessica! I mean, well, excuse me, but I just didn't want to have to tell you about the other things I've heard, but maybe you should know. I hate to worry you more, but I guess if you have to hear it from anyone, I'd rather it be me. Your farm is up for sale right now. In fact, you probably have very little money, especially after you have the overdue accounts deducted from the sale of the place. They are all overdue, the feed and seed accounts, the dry goods accounts, nothing, absolutely nothing have been paid since your Ma died.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath and the look of disbelieve on her face as she stared at him. “Last year, when your Ma died, it was at harvest, and I guess with all the misery and grief your Papa was in, he didn’t harvest, or make any arrangements for anyone else to do anything about it. We were so busy with our own that I never gave it a thought either. There isn't anything left, nothing. A lot of it simply went to seed or rotted in the fields. Well, you know what I am talking about; there is no harvest, not to pay the debts. No money for provisions, or to put food on your table, it’s gone. Anyway, Mr. Mitchell, at the feed and seed put a lien on the place for his bill. Then one thing leads to another, and with nobody thinking your Pa is going to come out of it, well, they don't want to wait.”
He saw the look of horror on her face and took a deep breath and hurriedly went on, “No, I sure didn't want to be the one to have to tell you all this, but there it is. If we don't get your Papa out of here, sooner, or later he'll be put out, and then you'll have no place to go. I don't see we have any choice but to sign on for this wagon train, and go on West and start over again.”
Her hands were numb. She had been gripping the porch rail so tightly during the time he had been telling her all this. She had been fearful for their affairs, knowing that someone be tending to them, but every time she tried to talk to Papa about them it had been useless. He would just stare blankly at her, and tell her it had been taken care of and several times he even told her it just didn't matter. That had made her furious. She had screamed at him about how Mama would hate this, how Mama would be horrified to know that he wasn't taking care of her and the boys. What would Mama think if she knew he was sitting in this bedroom day, after day? She had railed at him. It was all to no avail though, he had just ignored her, if he had ever really heard her in the first place. Now they were ruined. Oh, dear God, don't let this be happening, she prayed silently. She knew even as they went through
