made it even more difficult for Dr. G to insert the needle. However, he did an excellent job of numbing me first and except for a little pressure, I didn’t feel much of anything. The procedure took maybe 20 minutes all together. They placed a hard surgical mask, similar to what you use when working with paint, over my breast and I was taken back to the room to wait for Dr. B.
As it turned out, he was close to two hours late for my surgery due to the emergency. I was ready to get this over with, but again, I felt that if I was the person who really needed his surgical skills, I would be happy he was there for me.
When Dr. B finally arrived in my room, he was wearing the traditional green scrubs, but it was his head covering that drew my attention!! When was the last time you met a guy wearing a bright blue cap with neon, hot pink triangles??? I knew I liked him from the beginning, but since I love bright colors – he was really my kind of doctor!
He again patiently explained the procedure and asked if I had any questions. Since he did a thorough job preparing me for what was coming, I didn’t have any questions. (Trust me, I made up for it later!! I think I broke his record for questions!) He told me he would see me after the surgery and we would talk more then. The nurse came back into the room and jacked up the I.V. and we were ready to roll. Shortly thereafter I was wheeled into the operating room.
I remember being moved from one table to the other, but that is all I remember until I woke up at the end of the surgery. When the anesthesiologist had talked to me before the surgery, he had explained that he was doing a local I.V. for the operation. I wouldn’t feel anything and wouldn’t be completely asleep, but if I did feel any pain, I was to let him know. I vaguely remember feeling a pinch a couple of times and I think he turned up the juice and I fell asleep on my own.
I woke up just as they were finishing the surgery. I remember hearing Dr. B talking to other people and then I was wheeled into the room to wake up completely.
About ten minutes later Dr. B came into the room. We had the video camera ready, and again, I am very thankful for this important suggestion. He told me that he was very suspicious of the tissue he took out, and would be very surprised, happy, but surprised if the tissue came back cancer-free. He explained the hardness of the tissue and how this was a good indicator of non-healthy tissue, but he wouldn’t know anything for certain for two days. I had an appointment to see him two days later to learn the actual results.
I was sent home to recover and think about the options ahead. It truly helped that he told me what he thought. Even though I had that glimmer of hope that he could be wrong, at least thinking that it probably was cancer helped me to make some decisions about what I might have to do in the very near future.
For some people, the idea of him telling me that there was a real possibility of cancer, without knowing for sure, was a bad decision on his or my part. Unless he was 100% sure, why should he tell me this and have me worry about the true news for a couple of days. However, I had developed a deep trust in Dr. B as a skilled surgeon. I knew that he was experienced in these matters, and I believed he would not tell me in this manner unless he was confident in his suspicion. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have faith in your caregivers!
First Tears
The ride home was the first time I cried, but I really didn’t cry, more like my eyes leaked. I believe my only words on the way home were, “Now, how the hell (excuse the language) am I going to tell the girls (my daughters) THIS?” I don’t live far from the hospital, but it was a long, quiet fifteen-minute ride. I quietly said a few other choice words, but not in anger, more in shock at this point.
The recovery at home went well. I used ice packs and some medication for pain that evening and went to work for most of the next day. I had to teach a class that night and a workshop early the following morning. For me, this was a good way to keep busy and try to make the time to the Thursday appointment go much faster.
I spent a lot of time reading and re-reading the books that the doctor had given me and the information I had found when searching the internet. This helped with the second, much longer list of questions I wanted to ask during the next appointment. One internet site I found extremely helpful was the National Institutes of Health, National Cancer Institute (www.nih.gov). I have used this site many times since then, not only to answer my questions, or find information that prompted more questions, but also to help others seeking information on cancers and other illnesses.
A lot of time was spent talking to family and friends about their thoughts. I didn’t want to talk to other people who had been through this, as I didn’t want someone saying something that would take away from the high level of trust I had personally developed in my doctor. The time was spent more in telling people that I needed their strength to support me when I was down, and how very important their role was on my Humor Team (more about that coming up). I wanted them to realize that they were a hand-chosen group of people. The team would not have any negative people as that is proven to slow recovery. Their ability to share love and laughter was going to be vital in my recovery.
Building My Shield
I mentioned in the “Lessons I Learned Along the Path” section about talking with others about what you are going through. It truly seemed like everyone had a sister, or a cousin, or a friend, who had gone through this and asked me if I wanted to talk with them about their ordeal. From the very beginning I learned to simply say “NO, thank you”. Some people felt that I thought my experience was much worse than the one they knew about, and that was the reason why I didn’t want to talk to their person. Others thought I was being rude, or something else. I reflected on why I was so adamant about NOT talking to others about the journey at this point. I am not normally a rude or nasty person, so I felt there had to be something else going on in my mind that caused me to close people out. However, I wasn’t shutting them out from supporting me; I just didn’t want to hear any negative stories that would affect my positive attitude.
There are a lot of great support groups out there to help people cope with a breast cancer diagnosis, treatments, and related feelings. For example the Reach for Recovery, I Can Cope (ironically, I teach for then now), and Look Good, Feel Better programs, all offered through the American Cancer Society, are excellent, if you feel you need support for you and your family. Many hospitals offer support programs, as do smaller groups located in many communities. Check with your healthcare professionals for possible support groups in your area. Only YOU can make this determination as to what you need.
After a great deal of reflection, I realized that what I was doing was actually PROTECTING MYSELF. In fact, I came to refer to it as “my shield of protection”, or simply “my shield”. My shield was protecting me from anyone or anything that was going to put the slightest negative thought in my head. It had been a few days since I had an overwhelming feeling that I was dealing with cancer, and I was actually “okay” with what was happening. I certainly did not like it, but I was dealing with the situation.
I cannot emphasize enough that at this point I could not change what was going on inside my body, but I certainly could change how I looked at the journey and how I was going to respond. Negative thoughts can be placed so easily in our subconscious, and mostly by innocent comments being made like, “Well, I don’t know if what you are being told is the best advice...”, or one of my favorites, “Now, I know this won’t happen to you, but let me tell you about the awful experience my (mother, sister, friend, etc., fill in the blank) had when she was dealing with breast cancer”, or something to that effect. I said before that I had the utmost confidence in Dr. B and I was going to protect myself at all cost. Let’s face it, he was the head of my humor and recovery team, and I was going into surgery knowing that this man was going to be a key part to my survival! I knew
