And I am paper, I’m flat! (Awkward Pause) That’s my thing, flatness.
ROCK: We shall each challenge one another, every battle taking into account our unique skills and weaknesses. Scissors first I will challenge you.
SCISSORS: And I will accept your challenge. You see how I move around you, like a blur. I thrust; I parry and I cut deep into your skin of stone.
ROCK: But you barely scratch me. Although many have fallen by your sword, I do not fear you. You have no way to harm me. But I can bring my full force upon you if I so wish. Your steel will bend and break. You will be defeated. So on this day let it be said. Rock beats Scissors!
SCISSORS: I can see I’ve been beaten by a greater foe. I shall yield and feel no disgrace. Now, I turn and challenge you paper.
PAPER: Do we actually have to fight to decide this? I was hoping we could work it out with a nice simple game of ‘Canasta’ or ‘Gin Rummy’
SCISSORS: See how the sunlight glistens and sparkles off my blade. The momentary distraction is brief and fleeting, but is all I need. I sweep around you like a gentle wind and close my blades around your flatness. You only feel pain for a moment.
THE SOUND OF SCISSORS CUTTING THROUGH PAPER.
PAPER: (irritated) Oi! Come on, there was no need for that! You’ve cut me in two! Literately straight down the middle. Couldn’t you have proved your point by snipping off a small corner? I’ve got four to spare. Where’s that sellotape?
THE SOUND OF TAPE BEING DISPENSED
SCISSORS: So do you yield?
PAPER: Yeah, I yield. But you can bet I’ll be putting in an official protest.
ROCK: So, let it be forever said that Scissors beats Paper! Now we come to the last great battle of our times. Paper, do you accept my challenge?
PAPER: Ah-ha! This is where I come good. Paper will have his moment in the sun, with a move so powerful not even the great Rock will be able to defeat me.
ROCK: Have about you! What action shall you take?
PAPER: I cover you!
ROCK: Pardon?
PAPER: I cover you! Once you are unable to move or defend yourself this game will be over and so; let it be said on this day that Paper beats....
ROCK: (interrupting) Sorry, how does ‘covering’ me work?
PAPER: Well, I cover you with my whole body. Wrapping my flatness around you. There’s no way you can counter that; so by definition I win. Ipso de facto. Err...Spirit of de Punto. Okay?
SCISSORS: You win by covering him? Are you sure there’s no counter move?
PAPER: There is no counter to my type of covering. So let’s just move on
ROCK: I would like to try your covering. Come about at me and we shall see Paper, we shall see.
PAPER: You know; we’ve got some real trust issues here in this group. Fine, let’s do this. I’ll try not to hurt you.
THE SOUND OF PAPER COVERING ROCK
PAPER: Paper covers rock. What do you say now?
ROCK: (muffled) I can think of only one counter move which may prove effective in this situation.
PAPER: You have no options left, Rock.
THE SOUND OF ROCK TEARING THROUGH PAPER
PAPER: Arghhhh. What? Look at me; I’ve been ripped into three pieces! How come I’m the only one getting hurt here? I’m starting to run out of tape. This stuff isn’t cheap you know!
THE SOUND OF TAPE BEING DISPENSED
ROCK: And so, Paper covers Rock but Rock smashes through Paper. Because I am Rock and strong and you are Paper and dumb.
SCISSORS: I’ll be honest Paper; you do seem to be a little out of your depth here.
ROCK: Do you have anything else to give to this battle?
PAPER: Have you ever heard of origami?
ROCK: Origami?
PAPER: Yep, I can fold myself into a swan.
ROCK: A swan? Is that all you’ve got left?
PAPER: Well, a swan can get quite angry if provoked.
ROCK: (ignoring) And so let it be said by all people that follow from this day forth, that Rock beats Paper. Therefore Rock is always invincible!
SCISSORS: We all salute your bravery!
PAPER: I don’t. This just a bloody popularity contest. I’m going home.
THUNDER. IT STARTS RAINING.
PAPER: (Fading Out) Oh great, now it’s raining. My only weakness. Apart of course from fire, strong gusts of winds, sharp objects, severe crunching, tearing, punching, obtuse folding...
FADE OUT
Buttons Are Meant To Be Pressed
THE PHONE RINGS. SOMEONE ANSWERS.
JEFF: Hello?
MYSTERY MAN: Mr Richards. How are you today?
JEFF: Err, fine thank you.
MYSTERY MAN: Good. Good.
JEFF: Err, sorry who are you?
MYSTERY MAN: Did you receive a package in the mail today, Mr Richards?
JEFF: Yes, it was some kind of box, it’s next to me right now. Did you send it? What’s going on?
MYSTERY MAN: I also understand you’re having some financial problems at the moment? Six months behind with your rent? Credit cards unpaid? Bailiffs at the door? It isn’t looking good Mr Richards.
JEFF: How do you know all that? Look if you don’t tell me what's going, I’m going to call the police. It’s been a long day and I don’t have time for this crap, okay?
MYSTERY
