ringing you today with an offer of cash. Enough money to solve all your debt problems and secure your financial future.
JEFF: Look, sorry I’m not interested. I don’t know who you are and I’m certainly not interested in whatever you’re selling.
MYSTERY MAN: All I ask of you is that you hear my offer.
JEFF: Okay, you’ve got one minute. What do you want?
MYSTERY MAN: The package you received in the mail this morning. As you will have already noticed, it is but a simple box; which when opened reveals a button. A single, solitary button.
JEFF: What does it do? I haven’t pressed anything yet. I wasn’t even sure if it was meant for me.
MYSTERY MAN: Oh Mr Richards, be under no doubt the box was meant for you. If you press this button; the one you see before you right now, then one million pounds will be deposited in your bank account. Everything will be legal and it will be yours to do as you like.
JEFF: What’s the catch?
MYSTERY MAN: Ah, you are a smart man Mr Richards. You understand nothing is without consequence and that every action has an opposite and equal reaction. I like that. So let me cut straight to the chase. If you press that button, it will also cause one person somewhere in the world to drop dead at the exact same time. You will not know this person and you will never have to face punishment for the crime.
JEFF: Oh
THE MYSTERY MAN EVILLY LAUGHS AT THE SITUATION
MYSTERY MAN: Now you see the delightful conundrum which faces you. You can have more money than you ever dreamed of; but at what cost?
JEFF: (sighs) Yeah, that’s a tricky one.
HE PRESSES THE BUTTON
MYSTERY MAN: The weight of a single life versus the... (pause) Hold on; what was that sound?
JEFF: What?
MYSTERY MAN: Did you just press the button?
JEFF: Well, yeah. You said it yourself, I need the money. I’ve got debts to pay.
MYSTERY MAN: What? You pressed it just like that?
JEFF: (concerned) Why? Did I do something wrong?
HE STARTS PRESSING THE BUTTON AGAIN
MYSTERY MAN: No, it’s just most people normally take a little longer to think about it. They agonise over it for weeks, it eventually drives them crazy. That’s half the fun. You do realise somebody has just dropped dead? I did make that clear didn’t I? They are no longer alive because of something you’ve done. Didn’t you even consider it for one second....? Hold on are you still pressing the button?
JEFF: Well, you said every time I press the button, I get a million pounds. I just thought I’d press it a few more times; build up a bit of wealth you know? I mean a million pounds isn’t that much is it? It’ll barely buy you a nice house these days.
MYSTERY MAN: You can’t just keep pressing the button; that isn’t part of the deal.
JEFF: You said every time I press the button I get a million pounds!
MYSTERY MAN: Once! You press the button once and you get a million pounds. Once! Also somebody will die! You keep forgetting that bit.
JEFF: No. I clearly remember you saying ‘every time’ I press this button I get a million pounds. You made a verbal contract. I’ve already pressed it like 50 times. Besides, I can use a lot of this money to build hospitals in Africa or fund a cure for cancer. I might have killed 50 people, but offset that against the millions of lives I can save with this money. Besides, I’ll still have enough left over for a penthouse in Malibu.
MYSTERY MAN: It doesn’t work like that. Haven’t you ever seen that episode of Twilight Zone? It doesn’t work like that!
THE SOUND OF SOMETHING BREAKING. HE HAS PRESSED THE BUTTON SO MANY TIMES THAT HE HAS BROKEN IT.
MYSTERY MAN: Oh great! Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve broken it. That’s what you’ve done. You’ve broken it. Do you know how long it took to setup this thing? A wireless button system which kills a random person and deposits large cash sums in a commercial bank account? Do you know how difficult it is to administrate? The paperwork involved?
JEFF: I still get the money right?
MYSTERY MAN: What? Are you crazy? You’ve broken it.
JEFF: Well it’s not my fault.
MYSTERY MAN: Just hold on a minute.
THE MYSTERY MAN TURNS AWAY FROM THE PHONE. WE HEAR HIM TALKING TO SOMEONE IN THE BACKGROUND
MYSTERY MAN: I’m on the phone with Jeff Richards, which one of you added him to the list? Well he isn’t suitable. He’s a prat! He just keeps pushing the button. We’ll that’s what I said, you don’t get a million pounds every time you press it.
HE RETURNS TO THE PHONE
MYSTERY MAN: Hello sir. There has been a little confusion I’m afraid, we sadly aren’t able to pay you the initial amount of money we originally agreed on.
JEFF: (quoting) If you press this button, then one million pounds will be deposited in your bank account straight away. That’s what you said.
MYSTERY MAN: Look, let me just see if I can find my supervisor. Are you sure you haven’t seen that Twilight Zone episode?
JEFF: Is that the show that began, ‘Do not adjust your set, we control the....”
MYSTERY MAN: No. No, that was ‘The Outer Limits’...
JEFF: Was there any difference?
MYSTERY MAN: (defeated) No, not really...
Care Of The Elderley
AN OLD MAN LIES DOZING IN A HOSPITAL BED FOLLOWING AN UNSPECIFIED TREATMENT. HIS WELL SPOKEN SON GENTLY WAKES HIM.
SON: Wake up dad, we’re here to take you home.
FATHER: (groggy) Oh, hello son.
SON: Hello dad. Janice and I are here to take you home. Everything’s sorted and we’ve just had a long chat with Mr Smith about what you need to do when you get home.
FATHER: Mr.
