had a headache this morning. That’s all.”
Her mother came over and stood beside the bed. “I know something is wrong. Come on talk to me,” she insisted.
Chilli rolled over on to her back and looked at the ceiling. “I feel guilty.”
“About anything in particular?” Solange sat on the edge of the bed.
“About everything in particular, about all of the things that I can do and Rob can’t!” She was still looking at the ceiling.
“But something’s bothering you to bring this out right now? Has something happened?”
Lifting her head, Chilli glanced at her mother. “You’re very good Mum. You know, we never used to talk like this until Rob went.”
“Generally I feel that most things aren’t my business, so I don’t interfere, but you are my business. And you’re changing the subject. Does this have anything to do with going to that art gallery last night to select art for that fellow? Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened,” Chilli said and then lay there for a minute. “Well, something almost happened. I wasn’t prepared for it and I freaked out and made a fool of myself.”
Solange took her time with this. “If you’re feeling guilty, then what exactly is bothering you?”
In a small voice Chilli explained, “Nothing happened, and I definitely did not want anything to happen, but I think I gave the poor guy the wrong signals and when I’ve thought about it, I think it is because he actually is attractive.” And then she began to ramble. “That still doesn’t mean that I wanted anything to happen. I don’t even know if I knew what I was thinking, or even if I knew he was attractive last night. I might have just realised that today.”
“I’m not sure I follow you.” Solange looked rather confused.
Chilli threw her hands in the air. “I don’t follow me!”
Solange laughed and shook her head. “Chilli you are so silly, sometimes you are like a little girl. I think you’re saying that you had thoughts about someone. Am I right?”
Covering her face with her hands Chilli answered, “Maybe, but it’s too soon and I feel so guilty about it.” And then she propped herself up on her elbow, “Mum, Rob loved me so much, I really don’t think I will ever need anyone else. I’ve had my share.” And then she gave a deep sigh.
Tapping at the bedcover, Solange spoke rather firmly. “Now that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Yes, he did love you, but there isn’t a quota on love. It’s like air or water. You don’t say, well I’ve had enough of that; it will do me for the rest of my life. There’s always room for more. You have a great capacity for love Chilli.” Pausing she let her words sink in. “Now you listen to me, it would be a huge waste if you were never to share your love with anyone else for the rest of your life. Last night was just a little tweak to say wake up, you’re still alive. It probably is too soon, but I hope that when it does come your way, and it will, that you will recognise it.” They were both silent. “Chilli, are you crying?”
Chilli answered in a monotone voice. “No Mum, what a surprise, I think that they’ve all dried up. About bloody time.” They both laughed, and then Solange lay down on the bed beside her and they laughed again.
The bedroom door opened and Jack put his head around the corner. “What’s happening in here? Looks like entirely too much fun. I’ve put a roast in the oven sweetie. Please say you’ll stay? Your mother made a pudding earlier just to bribe you.”
“Let me think what other bookings I have. You know I’m in great demand.” She looked at the ceiling and thought for a minute. “All right I’ll stay,” she said a little cheekily.
“We’re honoured,” Jack told her dryly. “I’m going to leave you two girls to it. The kitchen beckons.” He retreated, closing the door behind him.
Chilli looked sideways at her mother. “What’s with Dad cooking?” she asked, genuinely fascinated.
Solange shook her head. “Lately, every now and then, he fancies himself as a chef. He does a nice lamb roast though, so I’m glad you’re staying.”
“Mum I do appreciate the words of wisdom.”
Solange stood and began to sort her clothes. “Even though I didn’t necessarily listen to my mother when I was younger, the older I got, I realised that she had always given me great advice. Now it is my turn to pass it on to you. Do you still feel guilty?”
“Yep!”
“Why?”
“Because the guy was only 32! That’s enough, don’t you think? Imagine what Rob would say. He’d think I’d flipped my lid. I feel silly.”
“Enjoy the fantasy Chilli. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Her mother laughed.
“Mum! That’s not the thing mothers are supposed to say,” Chilli said rather shocked.
“Well Chilli, my mother once said to me that fantasies can actually be better than the real thing.”
“What!” Chilli shook her head. “Why on earth did she say that to you?”
Solange was back in the wardrobe, hanging her clothes and her muffled answer came back to Chilli. “I was contemplating having an affair.”
“You what?” Chilli literally jumped off the bed. “Come out here Mum.”
“Sshh. Your father will hear you yelling.” Solange waved at her to be quiet and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking out of the window. “It would have been about 30 years ago. Your father was working long hours, but still managing to fit in everything he felt was important. I didn’t feel very important. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I felt like I came last on the list. Through your brothers’ tennis club, I met a man and I’ve got to say, I was tempted. At that point it was more of an emotional affair.” Still shocked by this revelation, Chilli had not said a word.
Solange continued. “Your grandmother got wind of what was going on and gave me a good talking to before it was too late. Thank God.”
“What did she say?” Chilli could not have been more astounded.
“She said that boredom was not a good enough reason and that I needed to love myself a little more, and not to go looking for that in someone else. She said that he belonged to his wife and that I belonged to your father, and that we would not only be hurting our partners, but also our children. She asked me if I wanted to be responsible for hurting another woman and her children.”
“What did you say?”
“I hadn’t even thought about the other woman, and I shocked myself with that. I had always told you children to treat others as you would like to be treated and then suddenly there I was, so self-absorbed, I hadn’t even given anyone else a thought but myself. My mother was very sensible. She told me to put the energy into making my marriage a better place. And then she said to pull myself together and to stick with the fantasy, that it would be easier. There was a lot more said, but you get the idea.”
