do was sleep, but her mind kept going over the night. Perhaps she could have handled things slightly better. These days, did giving your opinion on artwork and taking an interest in someone mean she wanted a physical relationship with that person? Maybe not, but going back to his apartment might have. Maybe he hadn’t misread the signals; she had.
This wasn’t something she was ready to handle. Silently, she cried again into her pillow, her heart aching with the loneliness of missing Rob.
*
After a night spent tossing and turning, she took one look in the bathroom mirror and then headed straight back to bed, pulling the covers over her head. Hiding might help.
The trouble was that her mother was expecting her to come by this morning to help sort her wardrobe for the trip. Chilli didn’t have the energy for anything, much less pretending to be cheerful. She fell back to sleep, and around nine woke with a start.
She called her mother. “Hi Mum. I was going to come over, but I have a bit of a headache... I have had some Panadol... No, it hasn’t worked yet... Listen, can we leave it until this afternoon… Yes, I’m sure I’ll be fine by then... Great, I’ll call you later… Bye.”
Chilli went down to the kitchen, made a huge pot of tea and took it back to the bedroom, and again hopped under the covers.
She must have dozed off, because suddenly, through a foggy oblivion, she heard the front door bell. She wasn’t expecting anyone and the last thing she felt like was talking. Holding her breath she didn’t move, willing whoever it was to leave. Eventually she knew she had to get up. As tempting as it was, she couldn’t stay in bed all day.
Pulling on a white soft terry towelling track suit, she scooped her thick chocolate hair up into a high ponytail and slid her feet into pink fluffy slippers. Comfort clothes were what she needed today.
But as she reached the bottom step of the staircase, the front door bell rang once more. Talk about bad timing. She froze knowing that her shadow could be seen through the frosted glass door panel.
Tiptoeing over to the window, she peeked out from behind the blind and came face to face with Matt. She quickly stepped back and just stood there for a second. Later, she would remember that even at that moment, she wondered exactly how many crisp white shirts with starched collars and extra long cuffs did he have, because God knows, he was wearing yet another.
The bell sounded once again. He called out through the door. “Please Chilli, I would like to explain. If I go away, I’ll just have to come back another time.”
She walked over to the door and opened it. “Well?” was all she said, arms folded firmly across her chest. She knew it sounded curt but couldn’t help herself.
For a moment Matt looked sheepish. He looked at the ground briefly and then back up at her. “Chilli I’m sorry about last night. It was totally my fault. I really read the signals wrong. I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable as that was not my intention.”
Chilli said nothing. The fact was she felt so depleted; she actually had nothing to say. Couldn’t he please just go away and leave her alone? Her head thumped.
Matt continued, “It’s just that I’ve been going through some pretty heavy stuff and it has really messed up my head.”
Finally, she spoke, but with a cynical tone, “You and me both!” Catching the look on his face, she regretted her words.
Hands in pockets, Matt glanced over his shoulder and across the road where Chilli’s neighbour Milly stood watching, her poodle in tow. “Those two look like each other,” he commented dryly.
Chilli gave a wistful smile. “That’s exactly what my husband used to say.” She lifted her hand and gave Milly a short wave to let her know all was fine. After a few more seconds, the woman continued on with her dog.
Suddenly Chilli felt rather silly standing out the front, but she had no intention of giving Matt the wrong impression, again. Stepping out, she closed the door behind her and indicated for him to follow as she walked around to the riverfront and sat down at a black wrought iron table beside the pool.
Sitting opposite her, Matt began to talk. “Look Chilli, sincerest apologies about last night. It was bad behaviour on my behalf. I saw that I had really upset you and I want you to know that wasn’t my intention. I mean I didn’t ask you back to my apartment to make any moves on you. I really did value your opinion on the artwork.” She didn’t speak.
He continued, “I’m not sure what I was thinking.”
With that she opened her eyes wide.”Oh really!” she stated rather dryly.
He put both hands up to placate her. “I’m not off to a good start am I? It’s not like I don’t think that you are totally gorgeous, I do. The thing is,” he paused, “I knew you’d lost your husband sometime back.” Chilli winced and he rushed on, “To be honest, I didn’t know that it was just over a year ago. As I’ve said, it’s no excuse, but I have been going through my own hard time and I’ve been pretty self-absorbed.” His tall frame leant forward. With his arms resting on the side of the chair, he put his hands together and looked down at them. “Loneliness can be an awful thing and sometimes you deliberately misread things, because maybe you want to. Maybe you just want to forget for a minute how you feel.” He glanced back up at her and she nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. “The truth is, I got wrapped up in the moment and you looked so beautiful and I really enjoyed everything that you were saying and suddenly here was this perfect person in front of me and I hadn’t felt like that in such a long time and….”
She put her hand up to stop him. “It’s okay Matt. You’ve apologised enough. Maybe I gave you mixed signals, I don’t know. That certainly wasn’t my intention.” And then for a moment she remembered how his body felt against hers, and the heady fragrance of his aftershave, and how nice it had been to feel the warmth of another human being. And, although she understood how he might have felt, she knew it was not what she wanted.
“Matt, I have been married forever. I don’t understand a thing about what people expect these days. I do feel very naïve and embarrassed. I’m not looking for anything like that, and I too am sorry if I gave you any wrong signals.” With her arms folded tightly across her chest, she glanced away from him.
“You did fine. I know you were only trying to be helpful.”
Chilli noticed how genuinely sad he looked, definitely not the brash confident business man that she was used to talking to.
“Are you okay?” she asked gently. “You said that you’ve been having a rough time.”
“After what you’ve been through, it’s nothing,” he said, smilingly weakly at her.
“No really. I am interested,” she paused. “As a friend!” she added with a brief smile.
“What can I say? You know the usual,” he told her, attempting to be flippant. Raising his hands, he indicated inverted commas with his fingers. “Fiancé runs off with a mate two months before the wedding.” He sat back in his chair. “That’s it in a nutshell. I’ll recover, I’m sure.”
Matt continued. “You know love does crazy things to you. I thought that in time I’d be able to move on, but I’ve been at a standstill. I’ve wondered since, if I
