to branch and go through their whole bag of tricks for an audience of one, but they would rather have more. They realize this is part of their job as squirrels. They are fine at it, too, and all it gets them is a reputation for shallowness and irresponsibility. Does that strike you as fair? Ask an Owl his opinion of the Squirrel and he will whoo-whoo in a most superior tone of voice. Look who’s talking!3 Squirrels have been criticized for hiding nuts in various places for future use and then forgetting the places. Well, Squirrels do not bother with minor details like that. They have other things on their mind, such as hiding more nuts where they can’t find them.4 The Squirrel is very inquisitive about young people who go into the woods to pick wild flowers. To judge by his scolding, he strongly disapproves of this pastime, so he follows them around in the hope of seeing more. Squirrels are very moral mammals. A couple will live together year after year with no other interests, and they seem to enjoy it.5 During the winter they live in their nest in a hollow tree, often remaining indoors for several days at a stretch. I wonder how they manage to kill the time, without any reading to do. And then again, they will feel an urge for fresh air. If you’re out some bright, snappy morning, you’re likely to see Mr. Squirrel chasing his mate hither and yon over the landscape, snow or no snow. I am often asked why there are so many Squirrels. I don’t know.
1 Squirrels make little or no use of what we call thinking. They seem to be doing all right.
2 Squirrels of all kinds make entertaining pets. Some species do not bite much.
3 What the Squirrel says about the Owl is extremely amusing. We won’t go into it here.
4 The Red Squirrel or Chickaree can hardly exist without pine cones. The Gray or Central Park Squirrel will settle for peanuts.
5 I always said we could learn something from Squirrels.
THE RABBIT
The Rabbit, or Bunny, is a perfect darling. He sits on the lawn, twitching his nose and wiggling his ears and looking so innocent that you feel all soft and protective. That is the way the rabbit wants you to feel. He has just finished the last of your string beans and as soon as you turn your back he is going to eat your pet petunia.1 He knows you will be pretty sore but you will forgive him because you are a weak character. You always give him a break, so he figures you are slightly half-witted. Rabbits have no important thoughts. Their brains are quite smooth and unwrinkled, from lack of mental exercise. They do not even try. Our brains are full of contortions and convolutions, showing that we have made an effort at least. Be that as it may, Rabbits are able to multiply at the age of four months without any previous training. It must come natural. Rabbits are seldom the homebody type. Here and there a Rabbit will have the same mate for awhile, but they are not fanatics on the subject. They have excellent eyesight and what they miss is hardly worth seeing.2 Rabbits need a good talking to, especially the males.3 Hares and Rabbits are said to be mad in March, when they race around in the moonlight, kicking up their heels. They feel good in March. What’s so peculiar about that? Some authorities insist that the Cottontail Rabbit is really a Hare. They are wasting their breath, for we all know a Rabbit when we see one. Officially, the Jack Rabbit is also a Hare and the Belgian Hare is a Rabbit. The English or Jugged Hare is out of luck.4 Many persons have lived useful and happy lives without learning all the slight technical differences between the Rabbit and the Hare, so why worry?5 Rabbits and Hares are only rodents, anyhow. We are far superior to the rodents in all sorts of ways. For example — well, I’m sure I could think of a lot of ways if you’d give me a little more time.
1 Rabbits chew on the bias simply to be cute.
2 Rabbits do not sleep with their eyes open and let’s not argue.
3 They would reply that you’re only young once. It’s a point.
4 The ancients said that Hares run faster uphill than down. Times have changed.
5 You’ve got along so far, haven’t you?
THE ARMADILLO
How much do you really know about the Armadillo? I thought so. The Armadillo is a mammal, which seems to surprise some people. Perhaps I should have studied these people instead of the Armadillo. It would be a life work, however, and I haven’t time for it now. The Armadillo wears a coat of armor consisting of bony shields fore and aft, and tough, flexible bands across the middle of his back. This protects him against possible attack from above. While the Armadillo is thinking how safe he is on top, some other mammal flips him upside down and has a nice meal of raw Armadillo. Let that be a lesson.1 The Three-banded Armadillo of South America is the only kind that rolls himself into a complete ball, with his head, legs and tail inside somewhere. The others can’t do this and you mustn’t expect it. When a Monkey jumps on him in the forest, the ball starts rolling around every which way and the joke is on the Monkey.2 The Nine-banded Armadillo of Texas and a few other places is the only one we have in the United States.3 The females always give birth to quadruplets, all of the same sex. They can’t tell the children apart, and why should they? The bony shell of the Nine-banded Armadillo is about fifteen inches long and is made into ornamental baskets for the tourist trade. In Armadillo society all the individuals are born free and equal. Every young Armadillo starts life with exactly the same chance to become a basket. Nine-banded Armadillos are said to make affectionate pets. You can lead them about on a leash, but you’re likely to stop the traffic. People rush from all directions and ask you what you are selling.4 The Thirteen-banded Armadillo considers himself a genius, as most Armadillos cannot count above nine. The Pichiciago or Fairy Armadillo of Argentina is only five inches long, with a pink shell and silky white sideburns. Fairy Armadillos are somewhat rare, but they can always be found if you know the right places. They come out at dusk. The Glyptodon, an ancient relative of the Armadillo, reached a length of ten or twelve feet and his armor was an inch thick. He hung around for millions of years, but he never got anywhere and finally became extinct. Nobody wanted any baskets of that size.
1 As they trot around in the grass, rooting for insects and such, Armadillos remind some observers of young Pigs. Oddly enough, young Pigs never remind them of Armadillos.
2 Three-banded Armadillos have muscles which prevent injury to their internal organs while temporarily squeezed or displaced in the ball phase. They think of everything.
3 Nine-banded Armadillos are spreading eastward and northward. Persons who transport Armadillos across rivers are known as Armadillo carriers.
4 The natives of Yucatan believe the Black-headed Vulture in old age turns into an Armadillo. I doubt it.
THE PORCUPINE
Nobody loves the Porcupine and I’m afraid it is all his own fault. His back and tail are covered with sharp spines, or quills, the purpose of which I will tell you in a moment.1 When he is left entirely alone the Porcupine is mild and inoffensive, attending strictly to his own affairs and never going out of his way to attack his neighbors. If one of them comes too close, however, he raises his quills, shoves himself backward and lashes his tail right and left with most unpleasant results.2 The Porcupine has been known to inflict fatal injuries upon Pumas and Lynxes
