As the Porcupine makes fine eating, the other animals do not like his attitude.3 Professor Halstead recently achieved some success in teaching a Porcupine to relax. His subject had learned to keep his quills down when approached and seemed on the road to further improvement, then along came a big Grizzly Bear and spoiled the experiment. Professor Halstead is now checking his data to see where he went wrong. A Porcupine caught in infancy can be trained to follow his owner around like a Dog. This is nice for people who wish to be followed by Porcupines.4 In my opinion, relations between Porcupines and people will never be ideal because it would be impossible to give every Porcupine a course in good manners. They become furious if you merely poke them with a stick or try to pull out a few quills for souvenirs. The quills are covered with barbs and are extremely difficult to remove from one’s physique. Pet Porcupines like to climb into your lap for an afternoon snooze, a habit that may strike you as awfully sweet and cozy. Personally, I’d rather have my health. You will be happier in the long run if you avoid the Porcupine and all his works. Then the problem of how to extract the quills will not be likely to arise. I always say there are so many things to do in this world, why get involved with Porcupines? Porcupines do not have much fun, but some. Two Porcupines in a hollow tree are too many, as they are always rolling over suddenly and wounding anyone near them. The average Porcupine prefers to live alone and no wonder. He feels that another Porcupine wouldn’t be much to come home to.
1 The quills of the Old World Porcupine may be more than a foot in length. Those of the New World Porcupine are much shorter. They feel about the same.
2 The Brazilian Tree Porcupine curls his long prehensile tail around branches in a counter-clockwise direction. Spider Monkeys do it clockwise.
3 Porcupines do not shoot their quills from any distance, great or small. If one of my readers has been shot by a Porcupine, that’s different.
4 I once knew a man who had a pet Porcupine. Or, rather, I saw him once and I heard a good deal about him. I never even met him.
ADVANCED MAMMALS
THE TAPIR
Tapirs are animals used in geography books. Geography could be taught without Tapirs but it would not be the same. Geography with Tapirs gives children the right start in life. If they go wrong later on, it is not the fault of the Tapir. The Tapir’s most prominent feature is his short flexible trunk, or proboscis, made of his nose and upper lip. It is not much good and it spoils his appearance. As Tapirs are built close to the ground they have no need of trunks, but it is too late to do anything about it now. The Tapir has a rudimentary tail, so he is a sight both coming and going. He resembles a Hog with proboscis trouble, but don’t tell that to a Tapir. He thinks he looks like a Horse because he has a thin, skimpy mane on his neck. He trots and gallops and fools nobody.1 The South American Tapir is brownish and so are Baird’s Tapir and Dow’s Tapir of Central America.2 The Malayan or Two-toned Tapir is black fore and aft with a whitish middle because he believes in disruptive coloration. When lying down he looks exactly like a big gray rock. That is, he thinks he does. All baby Tapirs have light longitudinal stripes and spots which render them invisible to some people in the sun-flecked forest. Their mother sees them and I see them but these people go tripping over them all the time. I may be peculiar. I can see striped objects as well as plain ones, if not better. Baby Tapirs are simply wonderful but they soon get over that. The male Tapir never visits his family. He never knows the comforts of a home full of romping young Tapirs and the joys of a life-long companionship with a female Tapir. That sort of thing is exactly what he doesn’t want and he arranges his life so that he doesn’t get it. No, he is not lonely.3 All the Tapir asks is a quiet life in the woods and streams. He avoids the Anaconda, the Jaguar, and Man.4 The Tapir is an odd-toed ungulate, with only three toes on his hind feet. From some points of view it is better to have an even number of toes, for odd-toed ungulates are more likely to become extinct.5 Besides, Tapirs refuse to adapt themselves to modern conditions. They hate modern conditions even more than I do, so I’m afraid they are on their way out. Now, don’t get all upset about it. That won’t help matters in the least.
1 The Tapir is distantly related to the Horse in a collateral sort of way. He is also a cousin of the Rhinoceros, a fact he would rather forget.
2 Dr. Baird and Captain Dow always maintained that their Tapirs were a little different from all other Tapirs. Maybe so.
3 Buffon called the Tapir a gloomy and melancholy animal. Only sometimes.
4 Tapirs feel fairly safe in the Zoo, where they are protected by iron bars.
5 The Hog is an even-toed ungulate. There will always be Hogs.
THE LLAMA
Llamas live in South America, where they have been domesticated for centuries. They were employed by the Incas of Peru to carry things up and down the Andes and they have been doing it ever since.1 It seems to be their one aim in life. Llamas got the double “l” in their name from the Spaniards, who conquered the Incas in 1533.2 The Spaniards had this double “l” knocking around in their alphabet, so they hung it on the poor Llama. They pronounce it Lee-ah-ma because that is correct in Spanish.3 Llamas like to be in high mountainous regions where the rarefied air would be bad for most animals. As Llamas have never heard of oxygen they do not miss it. Llamas are members of the Camel group, but they went their own way long ago and lost the family resemblance. This was a mistake for now they look like Llamas.4 I can’t put my finger on it right now, but something is wrong with them somewhere. It may be the neck. The Llama is good in arithmetic and will carry only a hundred pounds on his back. If you load him with more than that, he will lie down in the middle of the road and refuse to budge until the weight is checked and adjusted. He will get up when he feels good and like it. I understand that. He was born tired. The Llama is extremely frank in his social relations. If he doesn’t care for you much he makes no effort to conceal his dislike under a conventional smile. He spits in your face. Of course some people can be awfully trying. Occasionally a Llama gets fed up with everything and goes haywire, attacking Peruvians and other animals and acting perfectly horrid. He should not do that. He should count to ten. Most Llamas are good mixers. Groups of them will get together behind a mountain to relax and chew the cud and this often leads to much better acquaintance. Young Llamas, or llambs, are born in the spring. Llamas and Alpacas are never seen in a wild state.5 Guanacos and Vicuñas are always in a wild state. The male Vicuña has from six to fifteen wives. In the mating season two male Vicuñas will often fight until one of them is killed. I guess they don’t like each other.
1 You remember Atahuallpa, don’t you? Why not?
2 Pizarro. Does that ring a bell?
3 The English pronounce it Lay-ma because they are English.
4 Some say the Llama looks like a Camel without a hump. It is impossible to look like a Camel without a hump.
5 Sir Titus Salt (1803-1876) was knighted for making cloth from Alpaca wool, which is better than Llama wool. Queen Victoria loved the stuff.
