The Cro-Magnons were interested in art because of their unhappy home life which in turn was caused by their art. They would paint a Woolly Rhinoceros or a Paleolithic Bison in a cave when there was no one to stop them. Their favorite painting was called “A Yard of Paleolithic Bison.” Their art was Independent and was finally arrested. It was Late Aurignacian because it was found in Early Solutrean deposits. The Cro-Magnons died out because they neglected sex.
1 Perhaps we of today are inclined to overestimate the intellectual powers of the Cro-Magnons, who lived 25,000 years ago. As some of my readers may recall, even so recently as twenty or thirty years ago people knew hardly anything. For earlier data one has but to glance at the Family Album.
THE MODERN MAN
THE MODERN MAN or Nervous Wreck is the highest of all mammals because anyone can see that he is. There are about 2,000,000,000 Modern Men or too many. The Modern Man’s highly developed brain has made him what he is and you know what he is.1 The development of his brain is caused by his upright or bipedal position, as in the Penguin, the Dinosaur, and other extinct reptiles. Modern Man has been called the Talking Animal because he talks more than any three other animals chosen at random. He has also been called the Reasoning Animal but there may be a catch in this. The fissure of Sylvius and the fissure of Rolando enable him to argue in circles. His main pursuits in the order named are murder, robbery, kidnapping, body-snatching, barratry, nepotism, arson, and mayhem. This is known as the Good, the True, and the Beautiful. Modern Men are viviparous. They mature slowly but make up for it later, generally from July first to June thirtieth inclusive. The females carry nickels and pins in their mouths. They are fond of glittering objects, bits of ribbon and olives.2 All Modern Men are descended from a Wormlike creature but it shows more on some people. Modern Man will never become extinct if the Democrats can help it.3
1 It is because of his brain that he has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.
2 Each male has from 2 to 790 females with whom he discusses current events. Of these he marries from 3 to 17.
3 To be perfectly fair, Modern Man was invented on October 25, 4004 B.C., at 9 o’clock in the morning, according to the statement of Dr. John Lightfoot (1602–1675) of Stoke-upon-Trent, Vice-chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Dr. Lightfoot’s Whole Works comes in thirteen volumes.
HOW TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS FROM THE APES, OR A MONKEY A DAY
The Chimpanzee • The Gorilla • The Orang-utan • The Gibbon • The Baboon • The Howling Monkey • The Lemur
THE CHIMPANZEE
THE CHIMPANZEE1 is found in Equatorial Africa and vaudeville. He is the brightest of the Anthropoid Apes because he is so classified by scientists with incomes over five thousand dollars. If the scientist places a banana in a box the Chimpanzee will go and get it and eat it. The Chimpanzee also likes hominy, lettuce, raspberries, weak tea, and black beetles. Chimpanzees are highly excitable and pertly web-footed. They are amusing but terribly shallow. They can be very trying. The love life of Chimpanzees is about what you might expect. When a Chimpanzee looks at another Chimp he does not see what we see. They frequently have twins. Male Chimpanzees are called Soko or Bam. Females are called Malapunga. Chimpanzee sweethearts say very little. They can say “Yes” and “No” and “Thank you very much.”2 They can count up to five. They are faithful within reason. In the Chimpanzee the hallux is opposable and the pollex is not. In Man it is just the other way round so it all comes out even. The Chimpanzee smokes, rides a bicycle and wears pants. His chief ambition is to play the Palace. The Chimpanzee has one-third enough brain and that’s something. Or is it?
1 Aristotle did not mention Chimps but they got along somehow.
2 What they really say is gak gak, ngak ngak and wha wha. Chimpanzees find these words sufficient for all practical purposes.
THE GORILLA
AFTER A CHIMP the Gorilla is a great relief. He is fierce and brutal and is not a mimic. He weighs 450 pounds and is named Bobby. Young Gorillas are friendly but they soon learn. When a banana is placed in a trick box within easy reach the Gorilla will bite the professor’s cousin. Guess what that proves. The Gorilla is becoming extinct but there are plenty of professors. In affairs of the heart the male Gorilla is slow but sure. He appears to be stolid and indifferent but that may be part of his system.1 Believe it or not he is shy. The Gorilla is an introvert. Married females and their children sleep in trees and the male sleeps on the ground. The meaning of this is unknown. The Gorilla could do with more brains. His corpus callosum is not very good but the hippocampus major is O.K. The hallux is fair. Gorillas like sugarcane, hay, watermelons, ragout of chicken, raw ham, dandelions, and lollypops. They are subject to inflammation of the gums. Female Gorillas are likely to bump into passing objects and have trouble with revolving doors. I am in favor of Gorillas. They live in Africa.2
1 The Gorilla is said to have hidden depths, but if they are so hidden, what good are they? He has small ears, generally a bad sign.
2 They have a nasty habit of biting shotguns.
THE ORANG-UTAN
ORANG-UTANS teach us that looks are not everything but darned near it.1 They look awful. Some Orang-utans have huge cheek pads and conspicuous laryngeal sacs. Others have worse. The hallux is undeveloped. The female is not so ugly but ugly enough. Both sexes brood a lot. Their prolonged spells of meditation appear to have no tangible results. Orangs often sleep on one arm and wake up with a cramp. They snore. Young Orangs who are permitted to develop their individualities turn out horribly. Young Orangs who are kicked and beaten into line also turn out horribly. The psychology of the Orang-utan has been thoroughly described by scientists from their observation of the Sea-urchin. Other facts have been gathered from the natives of Borneo and Sumatra who may have been talking about something else at the time. There is considerable doubt whether the Orang-utan is as dumb as he seems or dumber. He likes stewed apples, toast, cocoa and soap. Orang-utans have solved the problem of work. They do not work. They never worry. And yet they have wrinkles. So what’s the use?
1 About 93 per cent.
THE
