just as often as whopp whopp whopp whopp. Gibbons assemble in crowds and hoo or whopp until exhausted or shot. The natives of Cochin China, the Malay Archipelago and the Island of Hainan often have hoo or whopp madness. A noiseless Gibbon would be a godsend. There is an old saying that the Gibbon is at his best in the American Museum of Natural History.1 The female Wau-wau or Silvery Gibbon of Java is rather pretty for a Wau-wau. The Hoolock of Upper Assam cannot swim. Gibbons are noted for the number and variety of things they cannot do. It is believed that the Gibbon could be taught to swat flies. Gibbons live in the treetops. They swing from branch to branch by their arms with amazing speed. They are not going to fires. They are going nowhere in particular. Experiments with the Gibbon prove many interesting things about the Long-nosed Bandicoot. Gibbon authorities do not know whether the Gibbon is interested in sex. But you know and I know. There are no Apes in this country, thank goodness.2
1 Cf. Decline and Fall of the Gibbon.
2 Embalmed Gibbons are sometimes sold to country bumpkins as embalmed Pigmies. Why our rural population should prefer embalmed Pigmies to embalmed Gibbons offers an interesting problem in psychology.
THE BABOON
THE BABOON is entirely uncalled for. Some people like Baboons but something is wrong with such people. Baboons lose their tempers. There are more Baboons than you might think. The Baboon is not an Anthropoid Ape. He has a tail, though not a good one, and so he is a Lower Ape. In fact he is more of a Monkey. The Arabian Baboon, as the name implies, is found in Abyssinia. Baboons have highly colored ischial callosities. Scientists tell us that all animals who sit down a great deal have ischial callosities. That is a lie. The Mandrill is the worst, especially when going South. Baboons bark. It seems as though there would be no female Baboons but there are. The family life of the Baboon is known as hell on earth. The males grow meaner and stingier and the females fade at an early age. The children scream, stamp, roll on the ground and will not eat their Centipedes. Their parents are proud of them.1 The Sacred Baboon of the Egyptians was identified with Thoth, the god of literary criticism.2 He spent his time making Thothlike motions at the Sacred Ibis, another form of literary criticism. He is not yet extinct. Never call anyone a Baboon unless you are sure of your facts. Baboons have flat feet.
1 Young Baboons ride pick-a-back.
2 He is frequently pictured restoring the Udjat or Eye to Aah, the Moon God. Enormous numbers of Udjats have been found in Ancient Egyptian tombs. “The twin Udjats represent the Eye of the Sun and the Eye of the Moon.” – Sir E. A. Wallis Budge.
THE HOWLING MONKEY
THE HOWLING MONKEY is confined to South America but seems to escape. The back of his head is straight up and down. His howl is caused by a large hyoid bone at the top of the trachea. It can be cured by a simple operation on the neck with an axe. The male Howler is always followed by seven or eight female Howlers with young Howlers but this may be a coincidence. Howlers have long prehensile tails with which they hang from the trees, talk Monkey talk and pick up Brazil nuts. There are several species of Howlers. The Fat Howler is as trying as any. The Howling Monkey and the Spider Monkey are neighbors. The infant Howling Monkey occasionally bears a striking resemblance to a Spider Monkey. Ask me sometime why that is.1 The Capuchin or Organ Grinder Monkey is regarded as very intelligent. He scrambles after pennies, scratches himself, and has morals. He can stand on his hind legs but the tail is a dead giveaway.2 Monkeys have loads of fun. They breed in captivity and know many other tricks. They are fond of Bats, marshmallows, Goldfish, and ink. Old World Monkeys cannot hang by their tails. They might as well not be Monkeys.3
1 Spider Monkeys look nothing like Spiders.
2 The Tee-tee or Squirrel Monkey inhabits Brazil and the Reading Room of the British Museum.
3 There is a general feeling among Old World Monkeys that they are the best Monkeys, but there is no scientific basis for this. If you are an Old World Monkey you are classed as Catarrhine or narrow-nosed. If not, you are Platyrrhine or broad-nosed. That’s about the gist of it.
THE LEMUR
THE LEMUR is one worse than the Monkey. He is often mistaken for a Squirrel, a Rabbit, an Agouti, or anything but a Lemur. He has been described as a state of mind or ectoplasm. The Lemur is a Primate because people say so. The Lemur sleeps all day long and nobody tells him that he is a tramp. When disturbed he sort of squeaks. Most Lemurs live in Madagascar but they are never quite warm enough. The Ring-tailed Lemur or Madagascar Cat1
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