The Beginning of My Journey
The beginning.
There’s a song from the motion picture The Fountain called “Together We Will Live Forever” by Clint Mansell. Whenever I listen to it, the song calms my thoughts, and this is what I see.
I stand at the end of the road and see two paths. Which one should I take? How will I live my life without my love? What will I do now that I can no longer be with him?
Tears run down my cheeks as I stand, trying to look beyond my path, but all I see is sadness all around me. I can’t imagine anyone going through what I am right now. One day you think life is perfect, then everything collapses within less than a second. That is all it takes. One last breath, one last heartbeat, one love, one life.
I look down beneath me and wonder where this path came from. How did I even get here? Then, all I can think about is Death.
We are here for only a moment. We enjoy these moments, but they do not last forever. Moments constantly fly by us and we can either fight or take flight. I choose to look in deeper and express my love, my loss. I choose to explore my sadness and depression, but I want them to take me to a place where I can eventually find peace and rest.
I now see sunlight lightening up my path. I see hope. I feel love. Where is this coming from?
One minute, I have tears and the next I have happiness. This is just a part of my new journey.
As I listen to “Death is the Road to Awe” by Clint Mansell, I visualize all of these emotions flowing through me. There are so many kinds of confusion, and I have no idea where these emotions will lead me.
I wish I could have stopped my husband from hanging himself. Why couldn’t I have been there?
Tragedies and events like this are not things that we can just walk away. We cannot simply return to a normal life.
Living a normal life is what we strive to do as human beings. If we act or say something out of the ordinary, we are labeled as not being normal. Why does that even matter? We are who we are. No one, nothing can stop a determined person. If someone truly wants to do something, he will just do it no matter what. That is determination and passion. When these two are combined, the end result will be a success.
We hear the phrase “attempted suicide” and know there may still be hope for these people, but what about those who successfully committed the act? There is no way we can go back and stop those moments from happening.
It is history.
I must move on and live on.
I return back to where the two roads meet, and I walk back to see where that leads me.
I see Derek.
I see my love.
I cannot get over how he had managed to go through the moment of ending his life.
My love, my body, my mind wants to close this chapter of my life but it never does.
Life around me continues to grow.
I lie on the grass and look up at the sun. I observe the trees and see the smallest bugs beneath me. We are all important on this Earth.
Derek,
I hope you that somehow you can hear and feel me. I love you, and you are truly missed here on Earth. Sometimes I want to know what you were thinking the moment you tied that rope around your own neck. I think of the thoughts of death and darkness that must have been swimming through your head. At the same time, though, I want to remember all of the goodness you did for yourself, for us. I feel like a failure because I did not see this coming since you would so often smile at me and hold me at night. I remember how you loved to listen to the music of The Fountain. I listen to it often still, keeping the memories of you alive. As I watch the movies we loved together while I write, I hope my memories will return so strongly that I will feel you again. With all of my heart, this book is for you.
The Army and The Alcohol Incident
This is the autobiography that Derek wrote for his promotion board:
“My name is Derek James Bennett and I come from Riverside, California. I am married to Alanna Kristine Bennett and have two children, Jayme and Jerrett. I went to Basic Training at Fort Benning, Georgia, and Advanced Individual Training at Aberdeen Proving Grounds, Maryland. I served in the California National Guard from September 2000 to January 2004. My first active duty station in February 2004 was out of Miesau Army Depot, Germany. I deployed to Muzaffarabad, Pakistan, from October 2005 to February 2006 in support of the regional humanitarian efforts following a devastating earthquake that struck there. In April 2008, I arrived here in Fort Shafter, Hawaii, and was promoted to Sergeant seven months later. I have a number of short term goals: starting college in November for a Bachelor’s Degree in Accounting; attending the E-6 promotion board and obtaining a promotable status; attending BNCOC and graduating with honors; and finally re-enlisting for airborne and air assault school en route to school for a secondary MOS. My long term goals include earning my Masters of Business in Accounting and retiring from the military after twenty-plus years of service.”
Military life is a choice in which we decide to live under certain stressors and serve our country with pride and selfless service. In reality, the military changes people starting on day one. I will be referencing the Army because it is the branch in which Derek and I served. Having joined the Army in 2000. I was a combat medic. I began as a guard and in 2004, I went into active duty and moved to Germany where I met Derek. He was a generator mechanic. The Army has many benefits and many good traits, but it is not for everyone; life can be very stressful. When there is family or dual military, the military life becomes even more demanding. Both stressors, from home and work, must be balanced; a good support chain is a positive attribute to have while serving.
In Germany, we had a fantastic support chain and people to lean on. Often, soldiers and families are away from close friends and family members. It has been my observation and experience that isolation can easily be developed, with depression hitting some of the soldiers. Despite all of these experiences, however, I am proud to have served in the Army and very proud of Derek.
In this chapter, I will touch on some of the things that I felt were not personalized after Derek’s suicide that should be addressed and brought into the light. I support everyone, along with their families, who serves in the military for their sacrifices. Family is what holds most military service members together, and families should be included when service members are going through tough times at work, deployments, and investigations. Investigations are a touchy subject, in particular.
Do I miss the military life style? Sometimes. Am I glad to be out? Well, I am now able to prioritize my family first before mission. For those currently serving in the military, they know that the mission always comes first.
A major impact in our life was when we changed our PCS (permanent change of station) from Germany to Hawaii. Moving alone is a stressor that military members endure every three to six years depending on their contracts, job training, and more importantly, the needs of the Army. Depending on the duty station, the post garrison will have a checklist for soldiers to complete for inprocessing. During that short period of time, families need to get settled; sometimes, they need to stay in temporary lodging until housing becomes available. Inprocessing
