to move back to the States. He did not mention anything about his depression; instead, he told her that he was looking for jobs and had updated his resume. I also contacted my family and let them know that we would be moving back to the States to be closer to family. They suggested websites for me to look at for job postings in Florida.
Wednesday: March 10, 2010
Early that morning, I woke up alone. My bed was empty. I walked down the stairs and looked everywhere for him. He was nowhere in the house. I noticed on the kitchen counter that his wallet and his phone were still sitting there. I took his phone and immediately called his supervisor to tell him that Derek was not home, and I had no idea where he was. His supervisor came over later that morning around 7:00 AM and asked if I’d found Derek or knew where he might be. I told him I had no idea. The last time I saw Derek was around 11:00 PM the night before when I went to sleep. I was worried.
After a while, his Commander and First Sergeant came by, asking if Derek would have gone to stay at a friend’s house. They questioned if Derek was at the house somewhere sleeping, and they would give me looks as if I was lying. I was thinking in my head: “How could they even think that?” I was upset that I had no idea where Derek was and for them to stand there and ask me to make sure that Derek was not in the house was very insulting! They told me about the consequences of AWOL (Absent Without Official Leave). This all occurred around 7:25 AM. I thought perhaps Derek went out for a run, but even if he had, I had no clue as to where he went. I told this to both the Commander and First Sergeant, and of course they did not like that answer; however, after thinking about that, they agreed that it could be a possibility.
I decided to take the kids to school and then tried to go to work. I told my supervisor that my husband was missing, and she immediately told me to go home. I told her that I was okay. I sat at my work assignment but just couldn’t focus. I attempted to use work as a distraction, though that plan did not go so well. I just got up from my computer, logged off and started crying in front of my other co-workers. I was so worried and had still not heard any news of him.
I drove to my house that was just up the hill. After parking the car, I walked inside and looked all over the house for a note or something that would give me some sort of idea as to where Derek would have gone. I found nothing, just his phone. At first, I couldn’t remember his phone pin number; after playing with it for a minute, I figured it out. I started going through his phone and tried to look at his text messages for some clue as to where he could have gone, but nothing. That was a dead end.
Later that morning, around 8:25 AM, the police came to my door and asked to come into my house. I let the police officer in and we went to my living room and we sat on the couch. He had me fill out my demographics first and then asked some basic questions such as where Derek might be and if he had any friends that he could be with. I told him, like I did everyone else, that I had no clue where Derek could have gone. As I answered the questions, I listened to the radio a little bit and heard that someone was found hanging. The paramedics were discussing in the background how to cut the rope and bring the person down without disturbing the body. My heart was pounding as I imagined the worst, but I kept hoping inside that was not my Derek, that it was someone else. As soon as the policeman got that call, he was gone, leaving me alone with my suspicions that the man found hanging was Derek. Could he have done that to himself? I let the hope that it was not him get me through that day. It was extremely difficult to be optimistic, though, because the person found was hanging in the same location where Derek worked at Fort Shafter.
Around lunchtime, one of my neighbors knocked on my front door. I was hoping to get some news of Derek, but instead she asked me if he were doing well. I asked her why she came by. She told me that she did not work with Derek but noticed a fire truck, MPs, ambulance, and other official people at Fort Shafter. She didn’t know what was going on at his unit. I had asked her to keep me posted if she heard anything. She said she would. I was again concerned.
I tried to go about my day and stay busy but couldn’t stop thinking that it might be him. I went to the NEX (Navy Exchange) and only felt like I wanted to collapse and cry. Part of me was expecting the worse. The police never came by my house again. Everyone was quiet. Maybe too quiet. I even called his supervisor to get an update but learned nothing. No details whatsoever on Derek. How could this be? What was going on? When I was at the NEX, I recognized some people and gently waved but kept on walking. I pretended that everything was okay and going great.
It was close to 5:00 PM and I called Derek’s supervisor. All I got was his answering machine. I still did not hear anything! I went to pick up the kids and came back home a little later. I could not stand being in the house not knowing where Derek was. Then, I finally get a phone call, telling me to stay home because his First Sergeant and Commander were coming over. I did not like the way this was unfolding; still, I did as I was told. Soon afterwards, I was in my kitchen making dinner and noticed a car that I have never seen before parking in front of my house. I slowly looked out of the window from my dining room and saw two men in uniform. I quickly closed my eyes, opened them again and looked. They were approaching my house. Finally, I heard a knock at my door and heard them asked for me. I stopped what I was doing and approached the door with caution. I had chills and was afraid to even open the door. I immediately thought about the movie “We Were Soldiers” and knew that this was not a good thing. I slowly opened the door and the gentlemen asked me if they could come inside. I said “okay,” feeling shocked. They told me to sit down, and I did. Then came the bad news. One of the men gave me the news officially that Derek passed away early this morning. I looked at my clock and was in shock. Why tell me now and not this morning or even at lunchtime? Why wait until almost 6:00 PM to tell me this? The chaplain was at my house and said a prayer with me; I just sat there in my dining room in complete shock.
I was in disbelief. I was upset, I was mad, and I was so much more confused than I had ever been before. What was I supposed to do now? The news shook me to my core, and I did not want to believe what was happening before my eyes. This was just a living nightmare, one that I must live with forever.
At this time, they did not tell me how he died, only that his body was at the morgue and it was in autopsy.
I immediately had a CAO (Casualty Assistant Officer) assigned to me. He had me sign and fill out some paperwork. I still could not believe this had happened; I still could not accept that Derek was gone. Luckily, the First Sergeant’s wife was there to keep me strong and to help me get the kids situated and in bed. All I could think of at the time was how he died. He loved us and adored the kids. What could have happened?
Soon, I became infuriated because I found out that the whole unit knew about his death before I did. The reason, I was fed, was that it had to go through official channels, which meant it had to go through Washington before the news came to me. I was not happy with that. I was more angry with the Army than I was with Derek at that moment. The little news that I could gather in my head and sort out, Derek had committed suicide and was later found hanging.
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