one-day process; rather, it usually involves the soldier getting paperwork and living arrangements situated. In addition, the soldier and family will need to be able to access on-post facilities. For those with kids, finding daycare, sitters, and nannies can be a nightmare in itself. As soon as Derek and I signed in from our leave, we were on duty; childcare was an issue since we did not know anyone in Hawaii. I spent the day calling different sitter services and learned that it would cost about a thousand dollars per child for caretaking services. Expensive or not, this was a necessity.
So far, moving to Hawaii did not seem like the best idea. We had no sitter, no vehicle, and no cell phones. We had to leave behind a German Spec car, our cell phones were German carriers which could not be transferred, and we were on an island away from our family with no sitter or family support. It was somewhat isolating; I felt deep inside that this move was a huge mistake in the first place. We stayed in a hotel with a small fridge and no kitchenette for a week. I couldn’t stand to live there! We were cramped in a two-bed hotel room with two travel cribs. Our kids at the time were two and three years old. Not fun!
We each had a sponsor and Derek’s sponsor helped us with some groceries, but it felt like we were left to figure out how things worked in Hawaii on our own. I felt lost and frustrated, so too must have Derek. We had traveled miles away from Germany and family to a new place. Luckily, Derek’s sponsor was able to find someone to loan us a car until we were able to get our own vehicle, for which I am eternally grateful.
My biggest stressor was finding a sitter for the kids. Can you believe that my supervisor had told me to bring my kids to inprocess? What happened to my ten days of permissive TDY (temporary duty)? According to my sponsor, since both my husband and I signed in from leave early, we lost that time to get settled. I thought that was very unfair and upsetting! Basically, I had to find a sitter out of thin air.
I managed to do find one as we were inprocessing. When we went to the housing office, the lady there was kind enough to refer me to a girl who takes care of kids. The girl was able to watch our kids for a short period of time until we completed our inprocessing. The waiting list for childcare on post, however, was about a six-month wait time.
Just writing this account makes me upset at how the sponsorship program in Hawaii was so unlike the sponsorship program in Germany.
Once I began working in the hospital, I asked my co-workers for referrals for sitters and finally found a family that I liked. We were finally getting settled. We got our household goods in one piece, new cell phones, and a car. We were making progress; eventually, we even got our kids to the on-post day care.
I was working eight-hour days and, because of meetings and mandatory trainings, I felt like I was working six-day work weeks with no weekends. Whenever Derek had a four-day weekend, I was working, and we were not really able to enjoy the paradise of living in Hawaii. I felt like we were working all the time and hated being there more and more. I finally decided to get out and prioritize my family before work.
That was a huge relief, the best choice I could have made at the time. At least that is what I thought until the events of October 31, 2009, which completely changed our lives.
We were at our previous sitter’s house, as we had become good friends. Our kids enjoyed playing with their kids. They invited us to come over for a Halloween party and to go trick-or-treating together. That night, Jayme was dressed like a fairy while Jerrett was a pirate. Derek and I did not dress up. Some of the kids played in the playroom; others were in the backyard jumping in the trampoline. Derek would play with all of the kids and even jump on trampoline with them. He also kept an eye on our kids to ensure no one mistreated anyone. Finally, it was time to go trick-or-treating, which was a first for Jayme and Jerrett. Afterwards, we returned to their home and, because Halloween fell on a Saturday, nobody had to go to work the next day. The family had bought a lot of alcohol and we, the adults, sat around conversing and playing poker. I kept an eye on the kids and everyone was having a great time. I soon noticed, however, that Derek was drinking more than usual, but it did not register in my mind to keep an eye on him since I was drinking as well. We knew that we could spend the night there if we were unable to drive home. Even after the adults played a drinking game, Derek just kept on drinking. Later on, I noticed he was not downstairs but instead upstairs. I went to check up on him, and he said he was trying to put the kids to bed. I just let it be and went back downstairs. Soon after that, something must have had happened upstairs - I am still not sure about the details, even to this day. Dominic, the father of the 16-year-old girl, told me that Derek and I needed to leave right away. I did not know what to think. After a few discussions, his wife told me what might have happened and she sounded concerned, so the MPs (military police) were called to the house. This was the longest night ever—well, one of them. I had a headache, was confused, and was worried about what would happen next. Luckily, my kids were asleep from all the playing they did. This, I call my living nightmare.
Derek had gone back downstairs and vomited on their couch. I felt so bad for his behavior and blamed myself because I could have made him stop drinking. At this point, we had been married for five years and even though he drank in Germany, I had never known him to act this way.
I waited until the MPs came and took written statements from each person. From me, they just received his basic identification information. I couldn’t even remember his unit.
The MPs also took photographs and were there for at least two hours. After they were done taking the statements, they handcuffed Derek and took him into custody. They told me to step out so I would not see Derek get arrested.
Shortly afterward, I spoke with the family and apologized for Derek’s behavior. I had no idea as to what had happened but whatever it was, the 16-year-old girl, who was shaking and scared, was involved.
I drove home with the kids. I was upset still, scared about what was going to happen next.
Life can really change unexpectedly with an event; sometimes we have no control over it. Things happen and we need to learn to adapt to those changes.
I put the kids to bed and was trying to go to sleep, but I had a really bad headache. I got a phone call from the emergency room telling me that Derek was in the ER being treated for alcohol intoxication. I asked how he was doing and learned he was stable. With that, I lay down again.
Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. In the morning, I got a phone call from his supervisor to pick him up from the MP station. So, I got the kids ready and drove to pick up Derek.
The first thing I asked Derek was, “What the heck happened upstairs?” I wanted to know what was up with their daughter, why was she so upset. Derek confided that he honestly had no idea.
He told me that he felt bad for whatever did happen but could not remember anything.
Once Derek was home, he used my phone to talk to Jennifer, the mother of the 16-year-old, to apologize and to try to get some information about what happened, but she hung up on him.
That day was probably one of our worst days. We were very concerned and held in the dark as to what were the possible charges; we had no idea at the time. Derek was not feeling well either and had a terrible hangover, so he just slept most of the day.
Derek questioned me why the MPs were called, and I told him that the family had discussed it with other friends at the party and they all agreed to call them. I told him that the 16-year-old girl looked shaken up.
Monday: November 2, 2009
Derek went to PT (physical training) in the morning. After that he came home, he showered, changed to his uniform which had recently been pressed, and put on clean boots. I could tell that something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what was going on inside
