and everything about Colombia.”
Toni lifted one eyebrow.
“Yep, Colombia,” Kate repeated. She pointed at the envelope she’d laid on Toni’s desk. “I want to find out what isn’t in the reports.” After Toni nodded, she continued: “The news I got in Leipzig was pretty one-sided.” She lowered her eyes again before looking directly at Toni. “You know I was in Leipzig?”
Toni started to reach out her hand but withdrew it immediately, breaking eye contact with Kate. Once more she nodded.
“East Germany’s officially on the side of the rebels, the FARC, so their media did report a lot on the war between them and the government. And about the drug cartels, too.” She laughed, tapping her hand on the envelope again. “Probably the opposite of what’s in these reports, don’t you think?”
Toni chuckled and was about to reply, but her phone beeped. “Martucci,” she answered. As she listened, she looked at Kate. “Certainly, sir. I’ll tell her.” Then she frowned at the receiver, lips pursed in irritation. “He’s a fun guy, isn’t he?”
When she’d figured out who was on the line, Kate had unconsciously clenched her hands. “A pain in the ass. What does he want now?”
“You in his office in five minutes.”
Sighing, Kate quickly outlined what she wanted from Toni, then left the library to make her way—slowly—to Holder’s office.
SIMON Holder was drumming his fingers indignantly on the desk when his secretary announced Kate’s arrival. He waved a hand at her in annoyance, and she escaped out the door. When Kate appeared, Holder looked pointedly at the clock.
“You’re late, again!” he snarled.
They stood on either side of his desk, both stiff with anger.
“Sit!”
She sat opposite the desk and waited while he took his time examining the papers on his desk, the same ones he’d been studying for the last half hour.
“First,” he said, extending some papers across the desk, “requisition a car from the motor pool this afternoon.”
Kate picked up the requisition slip, which was clipped to a driver’s license. She almost smiled, but stopped herself just in time. Instead she stuffed the papers in her handbag and gazed blankly at him.
Next he reached a small pink slip across the table. “You have an appointment at the shooting range between two and three. To re-certify.” When she began to protest, he raised his hand. “Kathryn, forget our animosity for one second. You were always very good, but even the best get rusty. We need you back in top form. Just do it!”
She’d bristled at his use of Kathryn; she hated being called Kathryn, and he did it to get her goat. Sadly she did have to admit that he was right about the shooting range, though. She could be rusty. After all, she herself had been worried that she’d lost her edge while she’d been…in that place. And afterward. Of course she couldn’t bring herself to say he was right, so she threw the slip in her bag and looked blankly at him again.
Knowing he was winning this round, he fixed his eyes on the next small sheet of paper, then shot her a glance. “You’ve got an appointment for a complete physical exam on Monday morning.”
Kate almost jumped out of her chair. “Shit, Holder! Haven’t I been examined enough in the last six months, for God’s sake?”
Again he held up his hand. “Calm down, Kathryn. I am aware that you’ve seen many doctors recently. This isn’t the same thing. We have to be sure that you’re physically capable of a dangerous mission, not whether you are capable of living a normal life.”
Her eyes continued to spark, yet once more she had to admit that his argument was viable. She’d have to give in—again. She reached for the piece of paper, gave it a quick glance…and stopped abruptly when she saw the name: Dr. Walter Stephenson. She tensed, and her stomach churned. Keeping her eyes glued to the paper to hide her turmoil, she struggled for calm. After a few moments she was able to compose her face. She raised her chin and rejected his order with a flat: “No.”
Holder reacted with wrath. “Kathryn, did you hear what I just said? Anyway, you don’t have a choice. You are….”
Leaning forward, Kate broke in. “Wait!” Caught by her urgency, he listened. “I will go to a doctor. I will not go to this doctor.” She pointed at the name of Dr. Walter Stephenson. “I want a woman. You found Maggie Fremont in Germany. You must be able to find one here.”
He knew her well enough to detect the undertone of anguish in her voice, even though she tried to conceal it. He also knew all about the abuse she’d suffered—at the hands of men. Looking over her shoulder, he stalled by clearing his throat. In truth he saw no reason to cause her additional pain…at least not unless he gained an advantage from it. Forcing her to see a male doctor would gain him nothing. He dropped his chin in assent. “If I can find a woman, okay. If not, it’s Stephenson.” At her yelp he held up a hand. “End of story.”
Resigning herself to reality, Kate bowed her head slightly and noticed her hands were trembling. “You finished? I’ve got work to do.” She avoided looking at him by making a show of collecting the materials in her lap and rising out of the chair.
“Sit down!” She sat with a clench of her jaw. He walked around to the front of the desk, where he towered over Kate. “About this morning.” When she opened her mouth, he slammed his hand on the desk. “I will not accept that kind of behavior again!”
Glaring up at him defiantly, she started to ask what he was going to do about it, but she was suddenly so exhausted that she couldn’t muster the energy to resume the battle. She turned her head away and said nothing. Caught off guard by her apparent capitulation, Holder hesitated, and Kate seized her opportunity. She quickly grabbed her bag, stood up, and slipped by him to the door. “Be on time tomorrow!” he commanded to her back.
SHE kept going until she was standing in the empty hallway. Only then did she realize how hard her heart was pounding. Her hands were still trembling, and they were cold and clammy. She needed to get to the library, her comfort zone. In the elevator she propped herself against the wall and closed her eyes. After almost missing the “ding” at her floor, she finally made it to the library foyer, where she leaned against the counter, breathing heavily.
A moment later Toni touched her arm. “Let’s go,” Toni said softly. When she didn’t respond, Toni gently shepherded Kate into her office and to a seat at the corner table. “I’m going to fix some tea. Do you want some? Or coffee?”
Kate turned her gaze on the other woman. She understood that Toni had said something, but the voices of the demons in her head were drowning her friend out. Toni grasped Kate’s hands in hers and repeated: “Do you want a cup of tea?”
Kate looked vacantly at their hands, then suddenly awakened. With a twitch of her head, she began: “I’m sorry. I….” Unable to explain, she gave up and simply nodded. While Toni was preparing the tea, Kate tried to sort through her reactions in Holder’s office. Or more precisely, to the panic triggered by the idea of being touched intimately by a man, even if he was a physician. Now, calmer and distanced, Kate was disgusted at her extreme response, more so since it wasn’t her first panic attack.
Before
