boys screaming directions at a panicked driver behind the wheel of a Ford LTD . There were no atheists in that car.
On my day of reckoning I had to drive to Five Mile Hill in Grand Haven. For those of you unfamiliar with Five Mile Hill, it’s the highest point in town and directly across from the beach. You know the hill with all the million-dollar houses? That’s Five Mile Hill.
The road on Five Mile Hill is kind of like a bobby pin opened up a little bit. One side goes straight up the hill and the other side is wavy. The road is also very narrow and the day of my trial it was covered in ice.
Going up Five Mile Hill (the straight part of the bobby pin) wasn’t so bad; it was the heading back down that got iffy. I remember pausing at the top of the hill and looking at the March storm blowing in across Lake Michigan and then the coach saiying “C’mon Lorenz, we don’t have all day…”
I’m not sure my butt touched the seat the entire way down. The road was a sheet of ice and I was driving like an episode of “McMillan and Wife” where the brake lines are cut. Had I been a little heavier I’m sure my foot would have penetrated the floorboard like Fred Flintstone. Fellow student passengers (Leo Langlois, Kevin Lloyd, and Greg Carleson) have no idea how close they came to death that day. We got to the bottom where there was sand on the road and I cruised to a stop like I’d been driving on ice hills my whole life. I don’t think my heart started beating again until mid-May.
But the coach must have done something right because in my entire life I’ve only gotten one ticket. Okay, I may have deserved a few hundred but I’ve only gotten one. That was for going fifteen over while watching “ALF” on a small TV on my passenger seat. When the cop pulled me over I had no defense and no excuse. When he asked why I was watching TV in my car all I could say was it kept me from getting too…tired.
Money Can’t Buy Class
By Tracy K. Lorenz
Well, it looks like class and fashion took another leap backwards last week when Michelle Obama, Queen of America, stepped off Air Force One wearing shorts, a tank top, and running shoes . If we, the tax payers, are coughing up hundreds of thousands of dollars to haul her butt out to the Grand Canyon, ON A PRIVATE JET, the least she could do is wear a “skort“.
Her appearance is a classic example of the death of Noblese Oblige, the theory that “nobility” has the obligation to show us commoners how to act. If you’re stepping off Air Force One you shouldn’t look like you’re making a quick run to Speedway to pick up lottery tickets and a pack of Kools.
“Oh, but it was hot out,” squeal her impecunious supporters. Well I’m pretty sure it was hot back when Jackie Kennedy was First Lady and I’m pretty sure it was hot for Laura Bush, Barbra Bush, Pat Nixon and the rest. Heck, even Hillary “The Human Cankle” Clinton had enough class to wear a pants suit when she came unglued at a press conference and she was in Africa! I’m guessing it was hot in Africa.
Look at the two service men standing next to the stairs. They’re out in the same sun Mrs. Obama is, imagine the uproar if they were wearing cut-offs and a wife beater t-shirt. She should be showing them the same respect that they’re showing her. That’s how a well bred society works.
I have a theory on the Obamas’ total lack of class; they’ve made a pretty good living preaching that rich people are evil, thus they have to appear to be not rich. If you’ve become a multi-millionaire by convincing the ignorant public that millionaires are bad then you better not hop off your private plane wearing Prada.
And aren’t we in the throes of some sort of economic crisis? Is now the time to be flying around the world spending millions of public dollars on yourself? It doesn’t seem all that long ago that liberals were having a fit about automotive executives flying on private planes. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical? They’ve been in office seven months and how many trips have they taken? Europe, Hawaii, date night in New York, a couple weeks in Martha’s Vineyard, The Grand Canyon, Yosemite National Park, Camp David…how about spending a little time in Washington?
Maybe they like to spend our money on travel because the Mother-In-Law is sitting back at the White House. Man, they sure have put the cloak of invisibility on that woman, I’ve a feeling she’s in the basement playing Shoots and Ladders with Joe “Weekend at Bernie’s” Biden and then getting in a big fight when Biden cheats. I wonder how much it’s costing us to food, house, and protect her for four years.
But it’s not just the classless first couple that slap the face of civility. How about Brett Favre? The guy shows up at the press conference to announce he signed with the Vikings and he looked like he just got done milking the goats and brewing moonshine.
Nice hat, Brett. Was the one you used to plug the oil leak too clean? Or maybe you left your good hat next to your razor?
I realize the Obamas and Favre have huge teams of marketing people around them telling them how to dress to convince us commoners that they’re “one of us”, that their popularity (and income) might wane if the public were allowed to see the real person. Well I’m not falling for it and I’m not giving in. I still believe class and manners have a place in our little bee hive. I think if someone is coughing up millions of dollars for you to do a job for them you should at least have the courtesy to show them a little respect by appearing presentable in public and maybe taking the time to wear a Viking hat. I’m not saying they should walk around all snooty, but a little class shouldn’t be that tough to display. They’re millionaires many times over; they should act like it. And if they really have a problem putting on airs, well,…force one.
Mmmmm…Tacos….
By Tracy K. Lorenz
I just got back from a trip to Taco Bell at noon. No one, ever, should have to go to Taco Bell at noon. A good reason to stay in college is so you can become an executive and eat at a time that isn’t noon at a place that isn’t Taco Bell.
The problem is the people in line are, well, idiots. They’ve been standing there for fifteen minutes and yet when the person behind the counter asks them what they’d like to eat the customer acts as if it’s a pop quiz, like they had no idea “May I help you” was on the horizon. They look up at the menu and squint and then ask “What’s in a bean burrito?” Seriously, the woman in front of me asked that. I wonder if when she goes to Wesco she asks what’s in a blueberry muffin?
Here’s the thing about Taco Bell; it’s all the same food only in different shapes. If it’s curved it’s a taco, if it’s flat it’s a Mexican pizza, if it’s crunched up it’s nacho’s. IT’S ALL THE SAME!!!!!
So the lady who didn’t know what was in a bean burrito placed her order, moved a couple steps to her left to wait for her order, and when the guy brings out her order she denies it’s hers. She got this weird look on her face and said “I didn’t order that.” So the cashier took the lady’s receipt, looked at it and said “Yes you did.” And burrito lady responds “Well that’s not what I wanted” and then walked away in anger holding her tray.
Lucky for me I was between her and the woman behind me. The woman behind me was a nurse and was the classic fast food line fake out artist. You see one woman, but she’s actually ordering lunch for three hundred of her co-workers. But here’s the cool part, she did it from memory by looking up at the menu, “Um…I need two beef soft taco’s…and, um,…six hard shell taco’s, two with no tomato,…um….” And then when she got done and the cashier was reading the order back to her she pulled a list out of her pocket to cross reference! Here’s an idea, why not just read
