mental health providers and become better acquainted with those who were not counselors. The support staff who worked in the housing units at the treatment facility were comprised of a diversity of everyday folks who, for the most part, were far more stable than the other treatment facilitators whom I shared an office with. Over time, I was fortunate enough to meet and befriend a group of guys who were complete bad asses. Cheeseburger was an enlarged, jolly fellow who brought with him to work a pleasant attitude for the patients and a healthy appetite for the cafeteria. Harley was a well-respected staff member who always treated others with dignity, had solid integrity, and a tragic flaw of being thoroughly honest at all times. One of the staff supervisors, Fleas, had a sense of life that I found endearing. He would come to work on his days off to scarf the free food in the cafeteria, readily steal office supplies for his own personal use at home, and slept in his office overnight when he had fights with his tweaker wife. As such, Fleas was and still is a great friend of mine.
Training conferences were a regular part of my career as a treatment facilitator. Oftentimes these conferences were scheduled out of state in distant cities that were far from my workplace. During the early years of my employment, I was sent to the far regions of the country to acquire various continuing education units that were pertinent to my job duties. Occasionally, some of the support staff would accompany the clinical personnel to these training conferences. It was during one such traveling experience that I first became acquainted with Fleas while en route to Kansas City. Prior to embarking upon our several-hour road trip across the Great Plains, I had to complete one last session for the week. The final patient to receive my miraculous treatment interventions on that late Friday afternoon was a chronic masturbator who was plagued with bizarre fantasies and correspondingly disgusting behavior.
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FANTASIES OF THE QUEER
KEATON ALBERTSON: I’ve read the physician’s report and there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with your urethra. Are you sure that you told the doctor the full extent of your symptoms?
PHALLUS FAIRY: Well, yeah, but he should have been able to tell that something’s wrong. I have to piss while standing to the side for god’s sake. My dick is crooked!
KEATON: [soft chuckle] What do you mean? You can’t hold your penis straight?
FAIRY: I have to! If I didn’t, I would piss all over myself, and the wall, and whoever else was standing next to me.
KEATON: Right, well, I’m not a medical doctor but from what you’re telling me it sounds as though you have something wrong with your shaft, not your urethra. But if you can urinate without pain or discomfort and if you do not have any accidents throughout the day or night, what is the problem?
FAIRY: My dick is crooked! It looks like a big fish hook! [gestures with index finger to make curved shape]
KEATON: It’s crooked all the time, permanently?
FAIRY: Well, it bends a little off to the side when nothing is going on but when I get an erection it’s way out there.
KEATON: That would explain why the physician didn’t take note of it then. There is no mention in the report of disfigurement.
FAIRY: What am I supposed to do? I can’t walk in there with a stiffy. “Hey, doc, check out my cock! I got a hard on for you to rub down.”
KEATON: Good point. You would have to have an erection for him to notice the “fish hook” as you called it. I could see how that would be a little unnerving to be aroused while the urologist was examining your penis.
FAIRY: Well, he was pretty hot. But I don’t even know why I think that. He’s a sand nigger. I’ve never liked those little guys before. I can’t even understand what they’re saying. And they’re all hairy and shit.
KEATON: I was going to ask you about that.
FAIRY: About what—I didn’t do anything with the doctor. We were in a public place!
KEATON: I realize that. Staff were present the whole time and they reported that you were appropriate for a change. What I meant was your fantasy experiences after you left the appointment.
FAIRY: [smiles briefly then shakes head] No. I didn’t picture him naked or anything. Eeew.
KEATON: You had another man touch your penis. You’ve fantasized over situations much more perverse and strange than that.
FAIRY: Well maybe a little bit. But I got it out of my head really quick.
KEATON: Why? What is it about thinking of your doctor in a sexual way that is disgusting to you?
FAIRY: It’s not really disgusting. It’s just gross. I mean… he’s my doctor.
KEATON: Yes, he is. And I’m not saying that fantasizing about your urologist is appropriate or healthy. But I’m curious as to how you could masturbate to images of children, animals, and various scenes of violence and feel okay about it but then get grossed out over thinking of another adult male touching your penis.
FAIRY: Alright. He’s hot, okay. I think he’s hot. But I didn’t want to say anything because I really think that something is wrong with my dick and I didn’t want you to make me go see someone else. I’m not going to do anything with him. It was just a fantasy.
KEATON: Okay, well, I appreciate your honesty. And, in a way, if you’re having fantasies about your urologist, that is a form of progress. It’s an odd form of progress, but at least it’s a step forward. You’re doctor is an adult. And he’s human. That’s progress.
FAIRY: Yeah, but it’s still fucked up. You know that it’s not right.
KEATON: No, it’s not right. But I would much rather have you fantasizing over adult males, albeit persons who are in a helping role in your life and not potential sex partners, than raping little boys and engaging in bestiality.
FAIRY: [nods in agreement]
KEATON: Have you been journaling about your fantasies like we talked about?
FAIRY: Yeah. But I don’t think it helps. Actually, I think that it makes my fantasies worse. I wake up thinking about them and I write them down like you said. But then I get aroused while I’m writing them out and it makes it so that I have them stuck in my head all day.
KEATON: The assignment was two-fold. Firstly, I wanted an honest depiction of your thoughts so we can thoroughly chart your progress or note areas of needed intervention. And, secondly, I was hoping that by writing these things out fully that you could reflect on them later, when you were not aroused, and realize just how perverse they are.
FAIRY: I tried that and I just get a hard-on again and wind up masturbating to what I wrote down.
KEATON: What are your current fantasies, exactly? Are they any different
