Rot
I feel worse as the days go by
Always a struggle to understand why...
Because in the back of my mind
I think to myself that my past is behind
But I'm no fool as you can see
And I know the hand that life has dealt me.
No surprises awaiting me
I see through people too easily
Their passing thought across their face
The way they move as if to brace
From the evil words they seem to think
Will stumble out like poisoned ink
From the pale mouth of their own fears
Sickening words to fill those ears.
And though it seems I know it all,
It never fails. I'll always fall.
Because they leave without a doubt
Cut me off and shut me out.
I know I'll never trust a soul
Not once before they place me in my six-foot hole.
But still I find it in passing thought,
Washed with guilt that leaves me distraught
Knowing that this life will leave me all alone
Until my body turns to stone.
Untitled
Some people like cigars
Others want cigarettes.
I just happen to be
A cigarette
In the body of
A cigar.
Untitled II
Light
To the lips
Smoke in,
Smoke out.
A deep breath.
A dying wish for the lightness
Of a cigarette.
Bones
I beg of you,
Demon in my head,
With all of your power,
With your greatest might,
Gift me what I wish for most.
I'll give you anything,
Anything you wish,
In exchange for it.
For my wildest dream,
An unfading desire,
I grovel in your glory,
Praising your beauty,
Embracing your strength.
Vesting all I am in your service,
Pushing myself to my grandest limits,
All for you and for my dream,
For everything I've wanted
Since I was fourteen.
I'm on my knees for you,
Begging you,
Please,
I need this.
I am nothing without you,
I hate how I need you.
How I chase after you.
How I grovel in your presence.
But I am yours, wholly and truly.
So please,
Make me the skin and bones I need to be.
Paranoid Plans
"A paranoid man makes paranoid plans."
The first time I heard the phrase,
I thought of tinfoil hats
And homemade alarms rigged to notify me of intruders.
I thought of taping papers over cameras,
Disconnecting phone lines,
And only using payphones to make phone calls.
I thought of stuffing towels under doors,
Pinning blankets in front of windows,
And crossing out the eyes of photographs so they couldn't watch me.
When I thought of paranoid plans,
I never imagined checking over my shoulder four times every five minutes,
Or walking faster in public so they can't read my mind.
I never imagined setting my apps to French so the FBI and my family can't get into them,
Changing my passwords biweekly for my privacy,
Or being virtually unable to open up to anyone.
I never imagined laying in bed questioning if I have any friends,
Wondering if everyone I know is conspiring against me,
Or figuring out who will screw me over next.
I never imagined becoming someone who holds grudges,
Being someone who gets angry at even the thought of being slighted,
Or turning into the person who lies so that no one can sell my secrets.
I never imagined
