wondering if she wants me to get kidnapped,
If they're laughing at me, hoping I drop out and give up,
If he's trying to find a way to ruin my life, to get me arrested.
A paranoid man makes paranoid plans,
But his plans aren't always for himself.
Sometimes his paranoid plan is for them,
For the people who watch him,
For the people who slight him,
For the people who conspire against him,
For the people who seek to strike him down.
Sometimes the only person who reads the paranoid man's mind is himself.
Sometimes it's them,
But he will always think it is you.
Skinny Legend
One bite,
Two bites,
Three bites,
Four bites,
Five bites....
Just like the diet says.
Chew them fifty times,
Thirty just isn't enough for me.
Each time the fork touches my lips
My eyes dart left, dart right.
In search of the people laughing at me.
"Pretty girls don't eat."
"I already ate,"
Personal favourite excuses for me.
Tiny wrists, skinny thighs.
Like the pictures I see online,
All those things I want on me.
"A water please,"
"I don't drink non-diet"
Only calorie-free drinks for me.
A bag of candies,
Some chocolate bars,
In a box under my bed stashed away from me.
Pleated skirts, printed tee shirts
Patterned tights, skinny jeans
None of those things fit me.
Diet pills, measuring tapes
Only green tea, please,
Only a skinny legend is good enough for me.
So Cold
They jest at me, their words are knives
Meant to cut me, to tear my skin
And leave me barren, bleeding out.
But their blades are dull, they stab at me
With Easy Bake spoons and melted plastic
Nothing but minor inconvenience.
Being unaffected by harmful words
Should be considered a virtue,
A victory against wasted energy.
But instead of taking a victory
I sharpen their melted plastic spoons
And stab them back, painting on my smile with their blood.
Your words don't hurt me,
My words will always hurt you.
I've bathed my tongue in acid, just for you.
He called me cold, he called me distant.
He called me heartless, he called me apathetic.
They all thought that he was wrong...
But he was the only one who was right about me.
I am so cold, so heartless,
So distant and apathetic
That I don't care if you shed a tear.
Why should I?
They hurt me, I'll hurt them back.
No one will ever break through this armour.
An impenetrable fortress in which I am sealed,
A comforting home in a world I'm lost in.
A place where I am safe.
From you, from your words.
From them, from their eyes.
From myself, from my venom-saturated tongue.
From the truly vile woman I can become.
Hungry
The first time I went hungry, I realized
Not that it made me feel pretty.
Not that it made me feel strong.
Not that it made me feel like the ethereal
Flawless,
Perfect,
Charming
Young woman I'd seen promised to me.
No, first time I went hungry, I realized
That it made me feel like for once
In and among the disaster I lived
I was in control.
I was the conductor of my own destruction.
And that's why I became addicted.
I became addicted to being the master of my own demise.
I became addicted to being the only person who decided what went into my body.
I
