do know what love is. “How do I love thee, let me count the ways,” Elizabeth Barrett Browning had written in one of her poems. She didn’t love her Robert anymore than I loved my Brian. And it will last as years go by, won’t it? Oh, please God, let Brian always be mine! I love him so!
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#
My house was located directly across the street from the football practice field. I could sit at the kitchen window and watch the players go through their calisthenics, run laps, and suffer through all the strenuous exercises necessary to become tough enough to withstand the punishment received in a football game. It was easy for me to spot Brian among all the players because of the bounce he had when he walked. Once I had him located, I kept my eyes on him alone. He was the only one I watched at the games as well. My heart would nearly stop when he would be on the bottom of a pile of heavy football players. I was terrified he would be hurt; I wanted nothing to ever harm him in any way.
I have known Brian just a few months, I thought, as I sat watching the players practice. How can he have taken over my heart and soul so completely? I long to be with him, to joke with him so I can see his smile that has become so precious to me, to see in his eyes his love for me. I don’t understand all of this, but I don’t want it to ever end.
I was not sorry to see the football season come to a close and basketball begin. Since basketball was not as rough as football, I did not have to worry so much about Brian being injured. As in football, I had my eyes on only one player. Once in a while he would look my way and smile, which made my heart skip a beat. I was so proud and happy he belonged to me. I knew there were girls who were envious of me. He was everything any girl could want, but he was mine. He loved me and wanted no one else; he had told me so many times.
Christmas vacation arrived, and soon it was Christmas Eve. I watched for Brian to come down the walk, feeling sure that the gift he was bringing would be the long-awaited-for gold football.
There was a light snow falling, and all the houses along the street were lit with Christmas lights. They seemed to reflect the warmth and love Brian and I felt for each other.
I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, Brian was standing there covered with snow.
“Oh, isn’t the snowfall beautiful! It makes the perfect Christmas card scene. You have snow in your hair, Brian. Where is your hat?”
“I didn’t think to put it on. I was in such a rush to get on my way to see you, to look into those blue eyes, to touch you. Merry Christmas, Marcie. This is our first Christmas together.” He took me into his arms, caressing my hair as he held me tightly.
We went inside and sat by the Christmas tree. The rest of the family had agreed to let us have the living room alone for a while to exchange our gifts.
Brian handed me a small gift wrapped in blue foil paper with a white satin bow on top. I opened it and found the gold football he had promised.
“Oh, Brian, I love it, and I love you. I”ll be so proud to have this little football hanging on a chain around my neck. I’ll wear it everyday. I may not even take it off to bathe.” I moved over to give him a kiss. “Help me fasten the chain, Brian, so I can begin this very minute proudly wearing my Christmas gift, the one that says to everyone, ‘I belong to Brian and he to me.’”
“Now, Brian, I have a gift for you.” I reached under the tree and picked up a small box, which I placed in Brian’s hand. He looked at me with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes, evident on his face the childhood joy of receiving a gift, which we never lose. He quickly opened it and found an identification bracelet with his name on the top and mine on the under side.
“It is beautiful, Marcie. I’ll love wearing it knowing that your name is on it. Thank you, Honey. Just having you is the greatest gift I cold have. You are so precious to me, and I love you more than you can know.”
Then Brian pulled another little gift-wrapped box from his pocket and “I have something else for you, Marcie; can you guess what it is?”
“What is that? You already gave me the gift I wanted.” I took the gift from him and shook it a little. “What can it be? I guess it’s perfume.” When I unwrapped it and opened the box, I found inside an identification bracelet with my name on the top and Brian’s on the underside.
“Oh, I love it! This is just like the one I gave you only smaller. I will keep it always, and I’ll love wearing both this bracelet and the gold football. Thank you, Brian. These gifts and you make this Christmas the best Christmas ever. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I didn’t know feelings like these existed six months ago. Knowing you has changed me from a child to a woman. I know I’m not the age o a woman, but I have feelings of one. No one could feel any more love than I do for you.”
“I hope we can be married someday, Marcie. I’d love to give you an engagement ring sometime when we’re down by the river and there is a full moon. I know you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, even if I am only fifteen.”
“Oh, Brian, it scares me to think how far away our getting married will be. We have to finish high school and college. Can we possibly get through that long wait? I am so afraid something will happen. ‘ve been thinking about this a lot.” Then lowering my head, I muttered softly, “Another thing that worries me more and more is our limited lovemaking. How can we keep it under control all those years? What are we going to do about it, Brian? I love being close to you, but we both want more.”
“I wish you would quit fighting it so hard, Marcie.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t overcome my fears. Even when we are the closest, the fear is always lurking beneath the surface.”
“We will find a way, Honey. For now let’s just enjoy each other and what we have together,” Brian said, taking me into his arms and kissing me tenderly. After a few minutes snuggling together by the Christmas tree, with the glow of the lights reflecting the glow of our love, Brian stood and pulled me up beside him.
“I have to go home now, Sweetie. My family is waiting for me so we can open gifts. Your family wants you with them, too. I’ll call you tomorrow. Merry Chiasmas again. I love you.”
I stood at the door staring up the street for a long time after Brian left, troubled thoughts swirling around in my head. He said not to worry, but I can’t help myself. The longings between us are becoming stronger. I know Brian usually has gotten what he wanted all of his life. How long will he be content with my refusals, my excuses? What am I going to do?
Not only was I afraid of pregnancy, but also I struggled constantly with my conscience. My parochial school training had instilled in me a strong fear of wrongdoing. I was struggling with the conflict of morals and love that had plagued every generation before me. There was no easy answer.
#
The day before New Years Eve Brian called to ask me if I would like to go to a movie on New Years Eve. We would double date with Brian’s friend, Ken, who had a car, and his date. Of course I did, and, as usual, counted the minutes until we were together. So that I would look my best as Brian and I greeted the New Year together, I took special care dressing, as I looked forward to my first New Years Eve with someone besides my family. Brian had made such an impact on my life. I thought about the feelings and sensations that occur inside me whenever I see him, or even when the thought of him enters my mind, which is most of the time. Whenever I am with him I have a burning sensation in my chest and a strange taste in my mouth. The songs
