gave me some milk and bread. Then she told me I should eat this while I have a chance, they would take me to the “Casa del Refugio” as soon as the driver gathers the things he needs in the truck. I ate the bread and the milk, in all the excitement, I didn’t realize I was hungry. In fact, I had not eaten since that morning when I had breakfast with everyone at aunt Rita’s house. The milk and bread felt so good, it was comforting more than anything. I snagged an extra piece of bread and put it in my backpack. When I looked up, I saw a young pretty nun watching me. She winked and smiled, I tried to apologize, but she waved me as it was ok. Again, I was surprised by someone’s kindness. I didn’t know where we were going, and I had no money for food. I was worried about when the next time I would eat would be.
I sat there eating while watching everyone run around quietly. I smiled and nodded to a couple of nuns who looked shyly at me. I wondered if they knew I was a leftover, a dumb-ass nobody wanted now. I felt so self conscious, because at my cousin’s house I was never allowed to eat food when I wanted. I had to eat what was offered to me, and never take anything from the fridge or the pantry. I was never to ask for seconds or steal food. I still took a little food here and there, I was always hungry. I stole little sticks of spaghetti from the package and ate them because I was hungry. I wasn’t caught, because the hole was small and I was careful. I took food people would leave unattended at school, and even ate little pieces of paper form my notebooks. I was given what I was told was my portion at meal times, and that was it. When I asked how come other kids had lunch money, cousin Sofia told me that lunch money was not an entitlement, it was something good kids earn. I still remember the words in the back of my mind telling me I am a burden, and they didn’t need to put up with me. I guess they were right, now they don’t have to. Maybe I was relieved; I am not longer a burden. At least I wasn’t their problem anymore.
I sat outside in the darkness under a tree while watching the full moon rising when Martin, the driver came out and said it was time to load up and go. I followed him carrying my suitcase, as I saw a small group of nuns load up into the truck. They smiled at me and waved me in to join them. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry, run, or hug them. I was not used to people smiling at me now, much less strangers. Usually if people are nice it’s because they want something from you.
We drove off into the darkness; and here I go again, into the unknown. God must really think I need some educating and fixing. The lessons in life were getting a little harsh now. Am I such a terrible person? I don’t deserve a mother? A family? Love? A home?
Three days later we arrived at our destination after dropping off and picking up nuns; it was finally my turn. We drove up a winding road all the way up a large hill to the very top. I saw the huge Christ monument standing on the top of the hill, and the convent right below. It looked like something out of a horror movie. Dear Lord! Where am I? I was told we were in Leon. When we arrived, the sky had turn crimson in the distance; it was going to be dark soon. I like the dark, it is warm and safe. More nuns came out to greet the ones in the truck; I tried to stay towards back of the group a little, as to not intrude. One of the nuns came to talk to me, she was very large; I had to look up at her, but she was smiling. She suddenly hugged me and told me I looked just like my mom. A smile flashed across my face as the memories came back. I asked her if she knew my mom. She said yes, of course! She had been in this convent long ago, when she was a young lady; she had come to the convent as a novice. She was loved by all, and she had left quite an impression. This was one of the three nuns here that had met her. She said they were sad to hear of her passing. I was still in shock. I asked again, “my mom used to be a nun?” She laughed a little as she replied, “Yes of course, she was wonderful! Many people loved her, so much in fact, that they still remember her with so much love”.
She led me inside, where I met several nuns along the way; they all were welcoming and kind. In the back of my mind I was wondering if they would turn on me like my cousin did when they find out I am so dumb. I was a bit scared of that thought, so I put it away for the time being. I was shown around the main areas. This place was huge! The floors were cold, shinny, a dark maroon ceramic tile. There were plants in standing planters along the walls. They were spaced out nicely, and the lights were a little dim, so everything looked warm. There were random paintings of saints along the walls between the planters, and I could smell traces of incense. I saw a couple of nuns quietly moving about, like gentle ghosts in the night. Then I was taken down a long hallway to the dorm room.
The room was long; there were bunk beds along both walls and a hallway down the center. There were about four bunks on each side. At the foot of each bunk there were footlockers, then standing lockers between bunks. There were five girls there, they seemed all of different ages. Four of them were shy, they did come to say hello, but then went back to reading on their beds or coloring. The oldest girl was more outgoing, and wanted to talk. Her name was Rosie, and she was about my age, maybe a year younger. She told me that she and her two sisters were still here, because their parents didn’t come back to get them. She led me to a bed next to hers and sat down on the bed cross-legged and watched me as I unpacked. All the other children had gone home for the summer. Her youngest sister was the little girl with the long braid, Ellie. She was six years old, a tiny little girl that looked like a miniature doll with big brown eyes, and long brown hair. Who would ever abandon their kids? The middle sister was Leah, she was eight. She was also small for her age, petite girl with delicate features. She had short brown hair and brown eyes with long beautiful lashes, such sad eyes. The other two girls were twins, Sasha and Sonya. They were ten years old; they were tall girls with dirty blond hair and deep blue eyes. They didn’t speak at all to me then, just sat together on a bed whispered to each other here and there as they watched me unpack. Rosie explained that they had lost their parents in a car crash two years ago. Rosie said quietly to me, that her little sister keeps saying her parents will be back to take them to the zoo, and when she tells me that, I should just nod and smile.
Rosie told me that I should get a shower and get to bed because we shall be up at 6am to do chores. She said they all showered already, but she would walk me to the showers; it’s not a place to go alone. I grabbed my clothes, towel and personal hygiene bag. I put on my flip flops, and we walked outside. There was a courtyard in the middle, between the buildings. It was so dark, but we made our way across, then through a hallway and then another courtyard. After that, we came out through another hallway through the building, coming out the back. In the back of all three buildings, there were shower stalls. Out in the open! I was supposed to shower outside? Oh nooooo. I tried to say no thank you, but she reminded me these are the only showers; I had no choice. Crud! This place was creepy, I could almost feel spirits watching us, lurking in the shadows. There was an eerie total silence, the darkness was all around us, and then there was the open sky above. The air around us felt warm and very still, I could almost hear our own breathing.
On the way back Rosie explained that the boys live on the other side of the wall, to the right of the showers. They were separate because they were ‘trouble”. When we got back to the room, the others were asleep in their bunk beds.
Katie’s Journal Entry
The large nun came to talk to me this morning. She asked me to come with her to take a walk; her name is Sister Helena. She told me that she figured that I might want to know more about my mom. I said, of course I did, but I didn’t want to be rude and ask right away. She said it would be a pleasure to tell me about her. She said I had her mannerisms, and I looked so much like her.
We walked down the hallways at the edge of the courtyard, she then gave me a pair of clippers and walked out into the garden in the courtyard. She started clipping the dead roses and asked me to do the same.
As we clipped the dead roses, she told me my mom had come here when she was nineteen. They became good friends. My mom had come to the convent to get away from her home life. My mom had been the eldest of seven children, I knew that. What I didn’t know, is that my grandma had put a lot of responsibility on her. She had been taking care of her younger brothers
