“Family talk” about playing with the newcomer
“The social worker said your new brother loves to play baseball and soccer. You two seem to have some things in common. The social worker also said he can be really competitive. He is known to push and shove other kids to get the ball. We want to talk about some of the ways you could handle this. We know how important your friends are to you. So we want to help keep your friendships going okay.”
Or:
“We learned today that your new sister sometimes likes to play house. Isn’t that great! You know, sometimes kids who didn’t have good parents play house differently. They play that there is no food or water. They play that the mommy isn’t home and so the baby dolls are alone. They may also want the dolls to fight and hit each other. If this happens, we want you to come and get one of us right away. Your new sister isn’t doing anything bad. We just want to be able to come and teach her the right way to play so you two can have fun. How does this sound?”
• School-age children most likely have peers who reside in families where there has been a divorce. They may have experience with death, and therefore grief and loss. They have been presented the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) program. They may be assisted to apply this knowledge to the thoughts and feelings of the child with complex trauma issues.
• School-age children may hold beliefs about the cause of the difficulties that places blame on the child with complex trauma.
• Information needs to be relayed to school-age children in short segments, perhaps 20–30 minutes in length.
• “Fantasy flourishes where facts flounder” is a very good expression to keep in mind. Lacking information, grade-school-age boys and girls tend to create their own ideas about a sibling’s difficulties. Usually, what they compose is far worse or quite off base from the reality. A “just the facts” parental approach helps this age group rein in their vivid imaginations with regards to the adopted brother or sister.
• School-age children may have experience with other children who have been adopted.
Adolescents
• Even adolescents may have misconceptions about their siblings’ problems. Some may assign a psychological or metaphysical (i.e. “God brought my brother in to bring the family closer”) reason for the issues that present from the adoptee’s background of complex trauma (Meyer and Vadasy 1994).
• Like school-age children, adolescents have specific questions about their brother’s or sister’s traumatic experiences and the way the trauma residue plays out in the family.
• Adolescents have more exposure to the issues which bring children into foster care and adoption, or at least to similar issues. They have witnessed peers involved with drugs or alcohol. They may have personal knowledge of suicide or suicidal ideation. It is likely they have experience with death. Certainly, they have familiarity with sex and sexual behaviors. Thus, they have the capacity to handle an array of topics with a depth of content.
• Adolescents have the capacity to attend informational presentations of a length similar to adults.
• Adolescents may also have experience with children who have been adopted.
“Family Talk” about a sibling-to-be arriving with a mental health diagnosis
Children of all ages can most likely equate a mental health disorder with a medical problem. You might talk to your children about mental health issues like this.
“Do you remember when you were sick and we took you to the doctor? He gave you some medicine. You stayed home for a few days and felt better. Well, your new sister has some mental health problems. She didn’t get the care and love she needed in the orphanage. She is sad a lot. She is all mixed up about parents and living in a family. She doesn’t feel very good about herself. She needs medicine to help her think better. We will be going to therapy with her. She will talk with the therapist and this will help her realize that we are a good family and we do love her. This is going to take time. Let’s see, you are nine now. She may be better when you are ten or 11. It may even be longer.
“The actual name of her problem is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). These are some of the ways she may act. She may get really sad and then really happy. Sometimes she will be cranky. She may forget things. She may sleep a lot. Sometimes she won’t want to play with you. This has nothing to do with you. She may also have a hard time sitting still. She may not be very good at sharing or taking her turn. This may make watching a movie, getting homework done, or playing a game difficult.
“We are reading and going to a support group for parents who have children with PTSD. So we will be learning ways to handle this. We will be passing on what we learn to you.
“Do you have any questions? What do you think? If you think of any other questions, let us know. Let’s talk about this again in a couple of days after you have had time to think about this.”
Sharing information: A menu of suggestions
Recognizing that each brother or sister is a unique individual, the following baker’s dozen of pre-adoption preparation ideas are presented as a menu. Parents can pick the items they feel will most benefit their sons and daughters.
• Books are a great way to relay information! Consider sharing this book with your older kids. Imagine your family dealing with the types of issues presented in the vignettes—these stories are a wonderful impetus for conversations about the impending changes adoption may bring to the family. Younger children can benefit from the infinite array of children’s books available today. Peruse the Resource section at the end of this book. Schedule a trip to the local book store with your son or daughter. Journey through everything from orphanage life—Borya and the Burps—to The Lapsnatcher—a great tale about adjusting to the arrival of a younger sibling—to The Colors of Us—celebrating the delicious colors of diverse peoples.
“Family Talk” about becoming a multicultural family
“Dad and I have been reading up on adopting a child of a different culture. We are realizing that we must look at our family and our community. We thought we could make this a family activity. We thought you could start checking out your school. Your older brother is going to do the same. Are there any children or teachers from Ethiopia? How many are of a different culture? What about your after-school program?
“I thought you and I could go to the library and start doing some reading about Ethiopian culture. We can learn about the religion, food, holidays, and customs. All of these things will be important to your brother and our family as he grows up.
“I found a great book for you—If the World Were Blind. Dad and I are going to help you learn more about prejudice and discrimination.
“We’ll have more of these talks before and after your brother arrives. What questions do you have so far?”
• Pop some popcorn and watch a movie—Martian Child, Pinocchio or The Blind Side accurately portray the types of issues adoptive families may face. Toy Story 3, Anne of Green Gables, Tarzan, The Lion King, and The Lost and Found Family also nicely depict themes of abandonment, adjustment, and moving on. In terms of documentaries, Wo Ai Ni Mommy, First Person Plural, and “I Wonder…” Teenagers Talk about Being Adopted offer real-life examples of the thoughts and feelings of adopted persons.
