fleetingly.
“Sounds to me like you were being very wise and protecting yourself from a difficult situation. I commend you for your quick thinking M.” And the LIE does leave me!
I feel it practically travel up from my tummy, through my oesophagus, throat and my mouth and past my lips as I say,
“Really?”
And the tape worm lie slithers through the gap under the door. Gone.
And Fiona continues,
“It’s good in life if we can tell the truth, so that people know how we honestly feel, but sometimes that can be difficult. And M, I think you must have been put in a very difficult situation and felt you had no other option.”
I nod my head.
“What could you do next time Shaznia asks you to go to town and you don’t want to go?”
I truly don’t know. I look at the gap under the door. Oh God don’t come back tape worm! Fiona tilts her head and makes eye contact with me and draws me back to my counselling.
But I am panicked.
“Well, I have a suggestion,” she continues. “Maybe next time you could say, ‘No thank you Shaznia, I just don’t feel like going to town this Saturday but how about the following Saturday?’ That way you haven’t told a lie, and remember you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone, all the time.”
CounselLor Silence
I break through the silence.
“Shaznia is quite…” And as I try to find my words…
COUNSELLOR SILENCE
“…but you see, she just keeps asking me. Shaznia doesn’t really give up.”
COUNSELLOR SILENCE
“And she would ask me to explain myself. But we’re friends, so I guess she just wants to know what I’m doing and that’s what friends do, don’t they?”
“Friends also respect boundaries and privacy,” says Fiona.
“Yes, but friends share secrets good and bad. Friendships are gold, like treasure.” Fiona adjusts her glasses and says,
“Tell me more about what you just said.”
“Shaznia sent me a birthday card last year and in gold writing it said,
My friend, it’s you I can tell my secrets, good and bad
And I am here for you when life is sad
I think you are an angel! Where are your wings?!
Because you always know how to say the right things
The joy you give me is impossible to measure
A friendship like ours is golden, like treasure.”
BIG COUNSELLOR SILENCE
This counsellor silence feels different and her eyebrows tighten. I am wondering if Fiona is annoyed or angry and she says,
“I would like to add a final line to that M: ‘Friends respect boundaries and privacy and don’t pressurise us into doing things we do not want to do.’”
“But it doesn’t rhyme Fiona.” And she smiles.
“No, but it is very important that you remember that. We’ll talk about it more next time I see you.”
And our 50 minutes is up and I leave the powder blue room. As always I leave feeling much better about my life but I do hope I haven’t loosened the tape worm lie to slither about in Sevenoaks. Mum is in the waiting room and we go home.
Meltdowns are not fun. It’s like being stuck on a rollercoaster for eternity…in the dark with flashing lights. Everything stops making sense.
Meltdown
[noun]
1. The melting of a significant portion of a nuclear-reactor core due to inadequate cooling of the fuel elements, a condition that could lead to the escape of radiation.
2. A quickly developing breakdown or collapse.
Toby is slurping and crunching cereal, then hurls his bowl and spoon into the sink. The crashing sound blasts through my head.
“Sorry simpleton. Did that noise upset you?”
“Stop it Toby!” shouts Mum as she makes my cheese sandwich, which she wraps tightly in cling film. Bella is sniffing around, hoping she might be in with a chance of some food. I glare at Toby. I genuinely think he can only communicate with me by insults. So I insult him back,
“Yes it does, Idiot.”
And that makes him laugh. It wasn’t meant to. Why can’t I hurt or wind other people up as much as they do to me? Why do I always miss the target? I just want a little bit of revenge. I just want Toby to know how I feel.
He opens the fridge door and glugs orange juice from the carton.
“Can you get a glass please?” shouts Mum.
“I’m off now,” he announces.
“Can’t you wait for your sister?” And then she spots my eyes,
“M, are you wearing make-up to school?”
“It’s the last day. We’re allowed.” And I have applied Skylar’s Smoky Eyes. A sure fire way of getting noticed by the boy you want!
“It’s lovely but…” And Toby burps.
“Toby!” shouts Mum and he laughs. Mum tuts and says,“Why don’t you walk in together?”
“No, I’ve got to get in early and set up the main hall for some end of term thing… Hey M, why don’t you go wild and have a JAM sandwich?”
“Muuum,” I say, “tell him!”
“I think he’s attempting a joke M.”
“Yeah, lighten up Sis.”
I only eat cheese sandwiches – in fact I only eat six other types of food: chicken, fruit, rice, yogurts, cake and cereal. I’ve never tried any other kind of sandwich and I don’t want to. This is what I know and this is what I expect. And why is he doing this? I can feel I am going red, BURNING, and I swear I can feel anxiety enter our little house.
“It’s a joke M!” and he drains the carton of juice.
“Toby, you are NOT
