I think about how one day I’ll own a fridge and I’ll put magnets on it and they will have very clear, helpful messages on them, like,
Be QUIET!
Let me finish my sentence.
Say exactly what you mean.
“In and out.” And Mum reaches across the table to take my hand and I pull away, and Mum keeps her hand on the table – reaching out to me – and a void as deep and wide as the Atlantic Ocean opens up between us. She will never know how I am and how I feel. And she reaches her hand out a little further to me and I can’t take it because I do NOT want to carry her stain, her imprint, round with me all day.
I know it upsets her and that makes Anxiety creep towards me again.
“Keep breathing M. Take a deeper breath… And release.” She draws her hand back, slowly, and places it on her lap.
And I breathe in and out.
Anxiety backs out the room and I’ve done it. I’ve pulled myself out of a meltdown. I’m still teetering on the edge and I know Anxiety is hanging around the hall or sneaking about upstairs, but for now I have some release.
Mum gets up and pours me a glass of water.
WATER and AIR. Two basic things in life seem to help. They’re not complicated. If only I could remember to keep it as basic as water and air…
“What I was trying to say before you had a…one of these…is I think you need to be brave today.”
“Think?” I question.
“You need to go to school today and be brave. It’s a half day, so when you come home you can lie down and have a rest. School finishes at midday. So you will be home by 1.00.” I appreciate the instructions and I do feel much calmer, although I do feel like I could flare UP and tip into a MEltDOwN again very easily. She hands me my school bag, containing my Christmas cards to give out and my present for Shaznia. And I wonder if I’ll see Lynx today because I won’t get to see him leave History at the end of a Friday like I normally do. This half day/last day is practically ruining my life.
Mum drags a letter out of the drawer. I watch and she sees me.
“It’s nothing M.”
“Is it about me?”
“No… It’s…it’s from the solicitor…just about sorting out things between me and your dad.”
And I take a deep breath and focus on not tipping into a meltdown. A strong, deep breath to bring myself away from its pull.
She sighs, then puts on a very poor Spanish accent and says, “We’ll have fajitas for dinner! Toby’s out, so just you, me and Bella. Girls night in, eh?”
And I wonder if Mum really cares. I mean really cares. All the leaflets, all the websites, go on about “meltdowns being a defining feature of autism.” I sometimes wonder if Mum really believes this is all happening to us.
Christmas, a sparkly, spiky threat that looms at the end of every year and a sinister Santa who knows what I’ve been doing and knows where I have been.
Buying the Christmas card for Shaznia really felt like one of the best moments of my life. One of the most normal moments. Walking into The Card Emporium and buying your best friend a card. Simple and fun. It was a castle on a snow-topped mountain, but all the snow was pink glitter, and the message said:
Happy Sparkly Christmas Best Friend
You deserve all the glitter and joy a girl can have!
It is very reassuring for our friendship to be official and clear.
When I was in The Card Emporium buying Shaznia’s card and cinnamon scented candle I looked at all the cards for boyfriends! A whole section of cards dedicated to your boyfriend.
My gorgeous boyfriend. My sexy boyfriend. My hunky man (!!!!!!!!!).
And next to them was the Fiancé section and then it was the Husband section! And I dreamed of me sending one of these to Lynx next Christmas… And I got so excited that this could be my future one day!
Future! Future? Future? And I feel unease but then the thought of a Boyfriend, Fiancé, Husband.
What a truly wonderful order of life!
I actually skipped and let out a squeal of excitement at the thought of sending one of these cards to Lynx one day!!!! And as I walked through The Card Emporium I could see engagement cards and wedding cards and anniversaries of Silver, Gold and Ruby and then the Deepest Sympathy cards and my mood dropped. I felt really sad. Mum had to explain to me what this meant when Grandad died and we received lots of Deepest Sympathy cards.
And I thought about the order of life and how The Card Emporium sums life up.
And then I saw a very small section labelled DIVORCE. I picked one up and read
Congratulations on your Divorce (and not having to pretend you like your in-laws)
Mum doesn’t like her in-laws and I don’t think she ever pretended, so I won’t buy her this card, if they get divorced. But I’m not sure where Mum and Dad’s separation fits into all of this series of life events… I don’t see any Separation cards, so where do I fit in? Where does my cracked-up little family fit in all of this? Maybe they will get divorced and I feel bad, sad and heavy that I caused this. So many happy events and then Deepest Sympathy and Divorce. Loss. But Ruby anniversaries and weddings too!
Life is full of so many UPs and downS.
Shaznia’s card to me was Rudolph with a red, woolly bobble for his nose and she’d wrapped a pair of really cool mittens from Topshop, but the card didn’t say anything about being my friend in it.
A bomb exploded when Mr Bray announced that the surprise was the staff performing a carol concert for us in the Main Hall, lesson 2. The class roared and groaned and Mr Bray shouts,
“Quiet down 8B!”
The timetable has collapsed. Time was officially broken and defunct. Order has escaped through the fractures and cracks and now HAVOC!
I tap my face. Joe, who is sitting next to me, says,
“Meet you on the other side of this living hell.”
Living hell. He is right, and I know it’s a perfect opportunity for The Beast to hunt me down, find me and embark on a frenzied attack.
But I breathe deeply.
IN and OUT because the one good thing that comes from all this disorder, the one good thing is I get to sit next to Shaznia as our surnames start with the same letter.
PLUS
