never knew there wis asbestos in the dust, never knew a thing aboot it then, nane of them did. Noo he’s an expert on it, read up aw these books tae try and unnerstaun it fur the compensation case. Before Ķhe got really sick he used tae talk aboot it sometimes.
You see, hen, the word asbestos comes fae a Greek word that means indestructible. That’s how they use it fur fireproofin-the fire cannae destroy it.
You mean if you wore an asbestos suit you could walk through fire and it widnae hurt you?
Aye. In the aulden days they used tae bury the royals in it. They cried it the funeral dress of kings.
The next day the wee wumman let me use the pens again. Sometimes when you think somethin’s brilliant it disnae last, you get fed up wi it dead quick an don’t know why you wanted it in the first place. But the pens werenae like that, it wis even better than the first time cos ah knew whit tae dae wi them. Yesterday ah’d put the glitter on quite thick in a solid block a colour, but today ah found a different way a daein it almost by accident. Ah’d drawn a leaf shape and coloured it green but a bit squirted oot intae a big blob, so ah blotted it and when ah took the paper away the shape that wis left wis nicer than the wan ah’d made deliberately. The outline wis blurred and the glitter wis finer and lighter, the colour of the card showin through so it looked as if sumbdy’d sprinkled it, steidy ladelin it on; it looked crackin. The teacher thought so too.
It’s lovely, Clare. It’s more … subtle.
Subtle, ah liked that word.
Ah tellt ma daddy aboot it that night efter school, sittin on the chair beside his bed. He seemed a bit better than usual, mair alert, listenin tae whit ah hud tae say, but his skin wis a terrible colour and his cheeks were hollow.
Whit did she mean, subtle, hen? How wis it subtle?
Ah tried tae think of the words tae explain it, but ah couldnae. Ah looked at ma fingers which were covered in glitter glue and then at ma daddy’s haun lyin on the bedcover, bones stickn oot and veins showin through. Ah took his haun in mines and turnt it roon so his palm faced upwards.
Look, daddy.
Ah showed him the middle finger of ma right haun, which wis thick wi solid gold, then pressed doon on his palm. The imprint of ma finger left sparkly wee trails a light.
He smiled, a wavery wee smile.
Aye, hen. Subtle.
That night ah lay awake fur a while imaginin aw the things ah could dae wi the glitter pens. Ah really wanted tae make sumpn fur ma daddy’s Christmas wi them. The tips of ma fingers were still covered in glitter, and they sparkled in the daurk. Ah pressed ma fingers aw ower the bedclothes so they gleamed in the light fae the streetlamps ootside, then ah fell intae a deep glistery sleep.
£3.49 for a pack of four. And ah hud wan ninety-three in ma purse.
Ah lifted the pack and walked to the check-oot.
Much are they?
Three forty-nine.
Aye, but much are they each?
The wumman at the till hud dyed jet-black hair and nae eyebrows.
We don’t sell them individually.
She spat oot the word individually as if it wis sumpn disgusting.
Aye, but you’ll get mair fur them. Look, you can have wan ninety- three fur two.
Ah’ve already tellt you that we don’t sell them individually, ah cannae split the pack.
Ah could see there wis nae point in arguin wi her so ah turnt roon and walked towards the shelf tae pit them back. If Donna’d been wi me, she’d just have knocked them. She’s aye takin sweeties an rubbers an wee things like that. She’s that casual aboot it, she can jist walk past a shelf and wheech sumpn intae her pocket afore anybdy notices, never gets caught. And she’s that innocent-lookin, wi her blonde frizzy curls an her neat school uniform naebdy wid guess tae look at her she wis a tea-leaf.
She’s aye on tae me tae dae it, but ah cannae. Ah suppose it’s cos of ma ma and da, they’re dead agin thievin. Donna widnae rob hooses or steal sumpn oot yer purse but she disnae think stealin oot a shop is stealin. A lot of folk think like that. Donna’s big brother Jimmy wanst tried tae explain tae me that it wis OK tae steal ooty shops cos they made such big profits that they were really stealin affy us (the workin classes he cries us though he husny worked a day in his life) and they’re aw insured anyway so it disnae matter. Even though ah can see the sense in whit Jimmy’s sayin, well, ma daddy says stealin is stealin, and ah cannae go against his word.
In the end ah sellt ma dinner tickets tae big Maggie Hughes and all week ah wis starvin for ah only hud an apple or a biscuit ma ma gied me fur a playpiece. But on Friday it wis worth it when ah went doon the shops at lunchtime tae buy the pens. It wis a different wumman that served me and she smiled as she pit them in a wee plastic poke.
Are you gonnae make Christmas decorations, hen?
Ah’m no sure.
Ah got some fur ma wee boy an he loved them.
Aye, they’re dead good. Thanks.
Ah couldnae wait tae show them tae ma da, but as soon as ah opened the door of the hoose ah knew there wis sumpn wrang. It wis that quiet, nae telly, nae radio on in the kitchen. Ma mammy wis sittin on the settee in the livin room. Her face wis white and there were big black lines under her eyes.
Mammy, whit’s…
C’mere, hen, sit doon beside me.
She held her weddin ring between the thumb and first finger of her right haun, twistin it roon as she spoke and ah saw how loose it wis on her finger. No long ago it wis that tight she couldnae get it aff.
Clare, yer daddy had a bad turn jist this afternoon and we had tae go tae the hospital wi him. Ah’m awful sorry, hen, ah don’t know how tae tell you, but yer daddy’s died.
Ah knew it wis comin, ah think ah’d known since ah walked intae the hoose, but when she said the words the coldness shot through me till ah felt ma bones shiverin and ah heard a voice, far away in anither room, shoutin but the shouts were muffled as if in a fog, and the voice wis shoutin naw, naw, naw!
And ah knew it wis ma voice.
We sat there, ma mammy and me, her airms roon me, till ah felt the warmth of her body gradually dissolve the ice of mine. Then she spoke, quiet and soft.
Now, hen, you know that this is fur the best, no fur us but fur yer daddy.
Blue veins criss-crossed the back of her haun. Why were veins blue when blood wis red?
You know yer daddy’d no been well fur a long time. He wis in a lot of pain, and he wisnae gonnae get better. At least this way he didnae suffer as much. He’s at
