I do.”
“What does he do, this boyfriend of yours?”
“Uh, he’s an actor.”
It was the first thing that popped into my mind. I remembered the termite impersonator Kandi wanted to fix me up with, so I used him as my phantom boyfriend.
“An actor? Have I seen him in anything?”
“Actually, he plays a termite on a cartoon show.”
“Oy,” was her eloquent response. “You’re dating a termite?”
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I have said I was dating a doctor?
“Hey, you forgot your flower.”
Mr. Goldman was at my side, holding out the rose from Mrs. Sobol’s funeral wreath.
“Oh, right,” I said, taking it gingerly.
“So how about it, cookie?” he winked/blinked. “You want to come to the movies with me on Saturday?”
Saturday night was movie night at Shalom.
“They’re playing Sleeping in Seattle.”
“Sleepless in Seattle, Abe,” Mrs. Pechter corrected. “Not sleeping.”
“Sleepless, sleeping. Who cares? You wanna come with me, cookie?”
“She can’t, Abe. She’s already got a boyfriend.”
“She does?”
Why was everybody so damned surprised?
“In that case,” he said, “I want my flower back.”
He took his rose and stomped off. Mr. Goldman always gets angry at me when I turn him down for dates. But sooner or later, much to my regret, he cools off and starts hitting on me again.
I bid the other ladies goodnight, and headed out the door. The last thing I heard was Mrs. Rubin saying, “She’s dating a termite?”
As it turns out, I was about to date a termite. When I let myself into my apartment that night, the phone was ringing.
“Hi,” a deep male voice said, “This is Ted Lawson.”
At first, I had no idea who he was.
“Ted Lawson?”
“Kandi’s friend.”
“Oh. Tommy the Termite.”
He laughed. “Four years studying at the Actors’ Studio, and I wind up playing a termite. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except that I get second billing to a cockroach.”
At least he had a sense of humor about himself.
“Anyhow, I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner Saturday night.”
This was it. The moment of truth. Was I going to stay holed up with my cat for the rest of my life? Or was I going to take a chance on love?
“Sure, I’d love to,” I said, taking the leap.
And it really wasn’t such a big leap. Ted seemed like a perfectly nice guy. And it was only one measly dinner. After all, I figured, how bad could it be?
Stick around for a few chapters, and you’ll find out.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Who’s Charleton MacAfee?
Last night when your father was sleeping, I gave the toupee to the cat, hoping she’d claw it to shreds. But Taffy wouldn’t go near it. She took one look at it, and hid under the sofa. I think she thought it was a possum. Of course, Taffy is scared of her own shadow. Not at all like your darling kitty Zoloft.
So this morning the dead squirrel is back on your father’s head, a walking eyesore.
What with all this to-do over Daddy’s dreadful hairpiece, I forgot all about your Cousin Cindy’s wedding in Ohio next week. I can’t believe she’s getting married and you’re still single. Oh, honey, wouldn’t it be nice if you tied the knot one of these days, and gave Daddy and me a little grandbaby? Sometimes I think you made a mistake divorcing The Glob. True, he hardly got off the sofa, but he had a nice smile. Oh, well. I’m sure you know best, dear.
As for the wedding, I simply don’t know how I’m going to face the relatives. With that toupee on your father’s head, we’ll be the laughing stock of the family. I don’t suppose you could possibly break away from your work and meet me there for moral support?
Love,
Mom
PS. The strangest thing about the wedding invitation. It says, “Fred and Earlene Austen, and Charleton MacAfee, request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Cindy…” Do you have any idea who Charleton MacAfee is? For the life of me, I can’t think who it could possibly be.
To: Shoptillyoudrop
From: Jausten
Subject: Stiff competition
Sorry, Mom, I have no idea who Charleton MacAfee is. Maybe a relative of Earlene’s?
And I’m afraid I can’t make it to the wedding. First, I’m starting a new job. And second, I haven’t been invited.
Don’t worry about being the laughing stock of the family. I think you’ve got some stiff competition in that department. As I recall, isn’t Uncle Fred the guy who sits at the dinner table with his shotgun in his lap to protect his family from alien invaders? And isn’t Aunt Earlene the one who knits booties for their dog? Compared to them, Daddy will look like Cary Grant.
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Cary Grant
I suppose you’re right, darling, but I doubt Cary Grant ever wore a dead squirrel on his head.
To: Shoptillyoudrop
From: Jausten
Any chance of it blowing away in a stiff wind?
To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: I knew I could count on you!
What a good idea. I’ll take Daddy for a walk on the beach. It’s always windy there. Thank you, darling! I knew I could count on you.
