a smart upmarket place that served proper English afternoon teas.
She’d already ordered when he arrived, but after she’d said her piece, the crustless egg sandwiches and fruit scones had turned his stomach. “Look,” she’d said kindly, placing her hand earnestly upon his. “I know that you and Carly were no good together, and it was right that you should split up so soon. No point hanging on to something that wasn’t working.”
“Our whole marriage was a series of impulsive decisions,” he’d agreed.
Mollie had nodded wisely, understanding. “I know that. The thing is, he’s never met you, Luke. He is almost two years old and you are a stranger to him. I thought it only right that you should know you have a son, but I honestly believe it would be way too confusing for him to have you turn up in his life now... One day, perhaps, when he’s old enough to know what he wants, he’ll probably ask to meet his dad and we would never stop him, but for now—for now we think that you should stay away, for Ben’s own good. He has a life, Luke—a happy, secure life filled with love, and he lacks for nothing. Your life’s not settled right now—you told me that the last time we spoke. You don’t have a steady job, and who knows where you’ll be next week, or next year. Do you really think it would be fair to let Ben get to know you, only to maybe have to leave him again?”
Everything inside him had screamed with objection. “But he’s my son. I need to know my own son.”
Mollie had clutched his arm. “Look, you’ve had nothing to do with him up until now. He’s happy and loved, a lovely, bubbly, content little boy, and you just want to pull his life apart for your own satisfaction.”
“But I’m his father.”
“Please, Luke. Think about Ben, not yourself. We can give him everything he needs to become the best that he can be. So please, if you care about him at all, just walk away. It will be the most unselfish and noble thing you could ever do for your son... Maybe when your life’s more settled and secure and you can guarantee that you’ll always be there for him, we can reconsider.”
He hadn’t agreed; he’d never agreed. He’d walked away from her that day with his emotions laid bare. Was she right? he’d asked himself again and again. Was he really being selfish in wanting to be in his son’s life? Ben didn’t need him; that was for sure. The boy had everything, so maybe he should just back off as Mollie had suggested, until he could walk back into Ben’s life and make him proud to be his son. He’d always felt like a failure to his dad and he didn’t want to be a failure to his son, too.
He’d done as Mollie had asked, but still tore himself apart over his decision, until he’d seen the job posting for a handyman position at Flight and it had seemed like a sign. Working around kids who needed help seemed like a good way to make a difference, since he’d been totally unable to have an impact on his own son’s life...yet.
Of course, he hadn’t given Mike all the details in his office that day, but he hoped he’d said enough to make it clear that he regretted not being in Ben’s life up until now.
Splashing cold water on his face, Luke grimaced at the spot of blood on his chin. It seemed he couldn’t even shave now without losing concentration.
Luke made himself a strong coffee and sat at his desk, his mind still spinning. It was seven years since he’d walked away from that meeting with Mollie, and he hated himself for agreeing to do as she had asked. He’d been wrong to stay away—he should have fought to see his son. He should have moved heaven and earth to be in his life... He’d known it the minute Ben had stepped through Mike’s office door just a few short weeks ago. And if he’d been around to spread the load when things started to go wrong for the Jacksons, maybe Ben wouldn’t have needed a special school at all. And maybe not having a dad in his life was partly what had caused Ben’s emotional issues in the first place.
The information they’d been given by the social worker was that Ben had been becoming more and more difficult for his elderly grandparents to handle. Jim was ill and Mollie had to spend a lot of time looking after him, so Ben had been left to his own devices most of the time. He’d been missing a lot of school, wandering around town until supper. Ben’s school had gotten the social worker involved after a local store had contacted them about one of their students stealing candy.
Apparently, things had first begun to go wrong after Carly had died several months earlier. That unexpected piece of information had left Luke shocked and angry. Mollie should have told him about Carly; he would have stepped in. She’d obviously kept the news from him because she was worried that he’d want to play a part in Ben’s life...and he would have, if he’d known the whole story, but he’d never have tried to take him away from them, if that was what she was worried about. The boy had been allowed to run wild and lost his way, and now it was up to Luke to try to instill some discipline into his son’s life, to teach him right and wrong. It was one of the few things from Luke’s own childhood that he could impart. He wouldn’t be where he was today if it wasn’t for the rules and structure he’d been made to follow when he was young.
In that first awkward meeting, just before Gwen had taken Ben to settle him in, Luke had tried to talk to him.
“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Ben,” he’d said. “And you don’t need to worry because I’ll be looking out for you.”
Ben had met his eyes then for the first time since he’d walked into the room; his brown eyes were dark with hurt and anger.
“I don’t want you!” he’d shouted. “And I don’t want to be here.”
The boy’s slight body had seemed to crumple, and when he’d rubbed his eyes fiercely to keep the tears at bay, Luke had taken a step toward him, needing to do something, anything that might make his son realize that everything was going to be okay. Ben shrank away from him, though, and instead of just following his instincts and giving him a hug, Luke had hesitated and glanced helplessly at Gwen.
“Right, Ben,” Gwen had announced briskly, trying to defuse the situation. “We have a lovely room ready for you, so why don’t you and I go find it and meet some of the other children here. You’ll see your gran again before she goes, don’t worry.”
Ben had jumped up to follow her at once. Anything, it seemed, to escape from the stranger who had just walked into his life, the stranger who they’d told him was his dad.
“Why don’t you and Mollie go somewhere private to catch up,” Gwen had suggested. “Then perhaps you’ll understand the situation a bit better.”
“Good idea,” Mike had agreed. “Lily and I will do the necessary paperwork.”
Lily was Ben’s social worker. Luke remembered how shocked he’d felt in that moment. Paperwork! It had seemed so wrong to talk about forms in the same context as planning the life of a child.
“A necessary evil, I’m afraid,” Mike had remarked, noting his expression. “We have to follow the paper trail. Now, why don’t you get Mollie a hot drink and a sandwich before she heads back. You can talk in the small sitting room.”
It had been both strange and strained, being alone with Mollie. She was obviously trying to keep the lid on her emotions. She’d told him what she thought he needed to know: Carly had died in a car accident in London, where she had been working. Jim was ill and without him around their car sales business had gone rapidly downhill and started losing money. Mollie was overwhelmed. Basically, she’d admitted, as she twisted her wedding ring on her finger, she had gotten to a point where she just couldn’t cope anymore, and it was
