apprehension away ‘I would never do that, Emma, never.’
She looked at him as his eyes softened and she almost lost her resolve, but his next words brought it hurtling back to her.
‘I’m not about to let you walk away. I want to see my child grow up and, just as I never want to be like my father, I promise I will never do what yours has done to you.’
‘It doesn’t mean we should marry, though.’
‘We will marry as planned, Emma.’ He looked at his watch. ‘In less than four hours, you will be my wife.’
‘I’M SORRY, NIKOLAI.’ Emma jumped up away from him, breaking the tenuous connection he’d just forged. Her hard words hit him like a speeding truck. ‘It’s too late.’
He watched as she stood up and looked down at him and, when he couldn’t respond, couldn’t say what he wanted her to hear, she turned and began to walk away. It seemed as if he was watching each step she took happen in slow motion, but each one took her further from him.
He couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t walk away from him until he’d told her what he’d only just realised himself. Nerves sparked through him, briefly making it impossible to say or do anything except watch her begin to walk away.
‘Emma, wait.’ The demand in his voice rang clearly through the morning air but she didn’t slow, didn’t turn. She was leaving him, walking out of his life. He had to make her see reason, had to make her understand, and there was only one way to do that.
He walked briskly after her, catching up with her as she began to cross Bow Bridge. ‘I need you, Emma.’
Had he said that aloud? He stood still at the end of the bridge and watched as her steps faltered, then she stood, her back to him in the middle of the bridge. Seconds ticked by but it felt like hours as he waited for her to turn to look at him. When she did, he could see she was upset, see she was on the verge of tears, and he hated himself for it. He’d handled this all wrong, right from the moment he’d woken after that first night they’d spent together. The night that had changed not only their lives but him.
‘Don’t say what you don’t mean, Nikolai.’
‘I mean it, Emma, I need you.’ Inside his head a voice was warning him that that wasn’t enough, that he had to say more, he had to put himself on the line and tell her he loved her. He couldn’t do that, not knowing she loved another man, but it was his baby she was carrying and he’d been the only man who’d made love to her. Surely that meant something?
‘It’s not enough,’ she said firmly, her chin lifting in defiance. ‘I want more than that, Nikolai. I want to be needed for who I am, not for the baby I carry. But more than that I need love.’
His stomach plummeted as she said those final words. Was she going back to London to be with Richard? Did she love him that much?
‘I always thought love was nothing more than a word.’ He took a step towards her. That chasm he’d felt earlier now had the thinnest of wires across it, but could he use it? Did he have the courage to reveal his emotions when they were still shockingly new to him?
‘You made that more than clear from the very beginning.’ Still she stood there in the middle of the bridge, looking at him with fierce determination. She didn’t even notice a couple walking across the bridge towards him. Her gaze didn’t leave his face for one second.
He had done exactly that; there was no denying he’d made it absolutely clear he didn’t want love. Such a denial was what had kept him safe. It meant he’d never have to give a piece of himself to someone who could use it and destroy him emotionally—something Emma had had the power to do from the moment they’d first met. As a teenager he’d spoken just once about his father to his mother and she had confessed she’d loved him when they’d first met, before he’d shown his true self. From that moment on he’d vowed to keep such destructive emotions as love locked away.
He couldn’t do that any longer. He had to acknowledge them and set them free, even if Emma did have the power to destroy him. If she didn’t feel the same burning love for him, then he would be nothing, but he couldn’t just tell her, not when he wanted her to be happy—with or without him. If she truly loved someone else, then he would have to let her go. It shook him to the core to realise he loved her enough to do that, enough to set her free into the arms of another man.
He thought back to their discussion on love, to the day she’d laughed at such a notion existing. It had been that denial of what she’d truly wanted that had forged the path forward for them.
‘You made a joke out of love and happiness. You scorned it as much as I did, Emma.’ He took several tentative steps closer, encouraged when she didn’t move, didn’t turn and walk away. Inside, his heart was breaking. He was a mess, but he kept his stern control, retaining that ever-present defensive shield.
‘I can understand why you want to shut love out of your life, Nikolai, but the things I experienced as a child made me want that kind of happiness even more.’ She took a step towards him and hope soared inside him. ‘We want different things. You want to be free of commitment and emotion, but I want love, Nikolai.’
Those last words goaded him harder than he could have imagined, pushing him to ask just what he needed to know, even though the answer would be like a knife in his newly revealed heart. ‘And does Richard give you that love?’
‘Richard?’ Emma’s mind whirled in shock. Why did Richard have anything to do with this? She struggled to think, struggled to work out how he’d come to that conclusion, and then it hit her as she remembered their afternoon on the river trip. She’d taken a call from Richard and had been so happy the article was out and that he liked it, approved of what she’d done, but Nikolai’s mood had darkened the instant she’d told him who was on the phone. She’d thought he was angry with her, but was it something more? Had he felt threatened by Richard, even though he’d been on the phone?
That wretched flicker of hope flared to life within her once more and kept her where she was. She looked at Nikolai, standing now at the end of Bow Bridge, as if to continue to walk towards her was something he couldn’t do.
‘Do you love him, Emma? Is he the man you are leaving to go back to?’ Nikolai’s voice was hoarse with heavy emotion in a way she’d never heard before.
She blinked at him in total shock. He seriously thought she was in love with Richard? You used to, before he rejected that young love and adoration. The taunt echoed in her head and she saw it from Nikolai’s perspective. She saw the easy friendship she and Richard had established over the last few years, saw how it might look to someone on the outside. But, like Nikolai, Richard had made it more than clear he didn’t want anything serious, squashing that first crush until it withered and died, leaving nothing but friendship—a working friendship.
‘Richard and I are just friends. Always have been.’ She frowned at the scowl which crossed his face. Did such a reaction really mean he saw Richard as a threat? But to what—their marriage born out of a deal or something more?
‘But that isn’t what you want, is it, Emma? You told me as much on the boat.’
‘I did?’
‘“It
