The slap of his open hand on the steering-wheel was hard enough to be painful but it didn’t shut up the annoying voice in the back of his head. Beneath the burning frustration and the simmering anger it was still there—the faint but insistent message that suggested Abbie was right. That reconnecting sexually would only push the destructive differences under a carpet. That it wouldn’t solve anything.
But she couldn’t even tell him what would.
The way he slammed the car door shut probably woke up several neighbours but Rafael didn’t care.
Maybe neither of them knew.
Because the solution didn’t exist.
‘MUM-MUM-MUM...’
Ella was standing in her cot and she flung her arms into the air when her mother entered the room.
‘Hey, baby girl...’ Abbie reached into the cot and gathered Ella into her arms, careful as always not to tangle the IV line. ‘How are you? I’ve hardly seen you all day and I’ve missed you so much.’
‘Mum-mum-mum...’ Ella’s tiny hands were busy, touching Abbie’s hair and then her face. And then she rubbed her nose on Abbie’s collarbone and made a grizzling sound. Abbie’s gaze flew to Melanie, the nurse who was moving to straighten the cot.
‘She’s just hungry. I was waiting to give her her bottle in case you made it back in time. I’ll go and heat it up now.’
‘Thanks, Mel. So she’s been okay today?’
‘Good as gold. They had a good chat about her on ward rounds. Everybody’s very excited about her being such a success story. I think there’s a bit of competition over who’s going to write up the case history and get it published in a journal.’
‘They might have to compete with the guys in New York for that.’
Melanie smiled. ‘I’m staying out of it. Bottom line was they only came in to brighten their day, I think. Nothing like a wee miracle like our Ella to make everybody feel better about life in general and work in particular.’
‘Mmm.’ Abbie cuddled her daughter, rocking her gently. Ella had put her thumb into her mouth and the vigorous sucking noises made both women smile.
‘She’s starving.’ Melanie had picked up the huge teddy bear taking up half the cot, obviously planning to move it out of the way for the night.
The thumb came out of Ella’s mouth with a popping noise. ‘No-o-o-o...’
Abbie could feel the small body tensing in her arms. Small lungs expanding to let rip with an uncharacteristic wail.
‘Don’t take it away,’ she told Melanie. ‘She’s in love.’
‘But it’s so massive. It takes up most of the cot.’
Abbie’s smile was rueful. ‘It’s pink. And it sparkles. And it was a present from Daddy.’
A somewhat loaded silence fell as Melanie put the tutu-clad bear back into the cot.
‘Has...has Rafe been in today?’
‘Twice.’ Melanie nodded. ‘You were visiting Lucy the first time and he was here for a bit this afternoon when you were in Theatre. He asked what time she got her bedtime bottle and said he’d try and get back.’ She chewed her lip and the glance at Abbie suggested there was something she was debating whether to say.
Abbie could guess what it was. Rafael wanted to be the one to give Ella her bottle and put her to bed.
And that was something she wasn’t prepared to give up.
Melanie said nothing as she went away to heat the bottle. Abbie settled herself in the armchair with Ella, trying to ignore the prickle of guilt at her determination not to willingly share the next half hour or so of her life. When Melanie returned Abbie asked the nurse to dim the lights in the room and then suggested that she take a break. She’d call if she needed any assistance getting Ella tucked up for the night later.
Bliss. Abbie adjusted the tilt of the bottle as Ella clutched it with both hands and smiled as her daughter relaxed into her sucking and lifted her gaze to meet her mother’s. The pure joy of that eye contact with her precious baby as she sucked on the only bottle she had now was the highlight of her day. Just as good as the early days when she’d been able to breastfeed Ella. It was a time when the love she had for this little person was the only thing that mattered and it was huge enough to push everything else to one side.
During the dark days of being alone with such a sick child, it had been the one thing that had kept Abbie sane and offered hope. On the worst nights, it had only been cuddling her to sleep and now that she was well enough to enjoy her warm milk, the hope was even stronger and this time together something to look forward to even more.
It was their time. Surely a reward that she had earned?
Her breath escaped in a long, contented sigh as Ella’s eyes flickered shut and then snapped open again in determination to stay awake. She wasn’t the only one who treasured this time together. She wished she’d been there for the consultants’ ward round today but she could imagine the looks and smiles that had been exchanged. Being with Ella did brighten everyone’s day. The heaviness around her own heart was finally lifting, too.
The bottle was almost finished and the dead weight of the baby in her arms suggested that sleep had arrived when the door opened softly. Had the sudden tension of seeing Rafael transferred itself to Ella? The baby stirred and whimpered but then settled again, her mouth now slack around the teat of the bottle.
‘Ohh...’ Rafael quietly shifted the small upright chair and seated himself by Ella’s head. ‘I’m too late.’
‘She was hungry.’ The prickle of guilt came back again and this time it was intensified by the emotional turmoil Abbie had been in ever since she’d rejected Rafael sexually in the changing room yesterday. ‘Would you like to hold her for a bit before she goes to bed?’
The question was clearly redundant. Big hands slid over her arms and beneath Ella to transfer the weight. Again, Ella stirred and whimpered but soft Italian words of love soothed her within seconds and then Rafael just sat, his head bowed over his daughter, his arms cradling her as if she were the most precious thing on earth.
Abbie was caught. Half lying in the reclining chair, it would take a huge effort to get up and leave father and daughter alone and it would only disturb the moment. Or maybe that was just an excuse. Maybe what had really captured her was the acute awareness of this man beside her.
The...longing.
He must have come straight from a shower because his dark curls were damp and she could actually feel the warmth coming from his skin. Could smell the fresh scent of soap and maleness. Abbie’s gaze was locked on Rafael’s hands as he held Ella. Such strong hands with those long, long fingers and the dusting of dark hair on the top. It had been his hands that had first stirred her attraction to him, hadn’t it? When he’d been waving them in the
