chill of the hospital. Sophie didn’t normally feel the cold. She had grown up in Tasmania, the wild but beautiful southern end of Australia, and cold weather was something she was used to, but the air felt frosty today. Maybe it was nervousness—not about the surgery, having her appendix out was a minor procedure—but her future plans were ambitious although she wasn’t about to admit to any misgivings at this point.
She wrapped the towelling dressing gown around her body a little more firmly to ward off the chill as she said, ‘I need to get away.’
‘I understand that,’ Luke replied, ‘but why don’t you take a holiday instead.’
Sophie looked at him. She wasn’t in a vacation mood. ‘What would I do on a holiday?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. Relax?’
‘I don’t need to relax and I don’t want time to myself, I’ve got too much of that already. Holidays are meant to be shared with someone and we both know I have no one now. I don’t want to go on a holiday but I do need to go some place where the memories won’t follow me. Everywhere I look around here things remind me of Danny and I can see it in people’s faces too. Every time they see me I remind them that Danny isn’t here. I need to move on and I can’t do that here. It’s too hard. I need some space to get my head together.’
‘I miss him too, Soph, but I’m not sure that spending a winter in Antarctica is necessarily the right place to get your head together.’
‘It’s not a whole winter, it’s only seven weeks.’
‘If the other doctor gets back. Otherwise you’re there for winter. That’s seven months.’
Seven months. Sophie knew that could seem like a lifetime. Danny had been dead for seven months. She knew exactly how long each day, each hour, each minute could seem.
But she also knew she couldn’t stay in Hobart. She needed to get away and give her grief, and her guilt, time to fade. She knew she’d never forget, she didn’t want to forget, but she did want to be able to live her life without memories of Danny shadowing her every move. She missed him but she missed her old self too. She wanted a chance to find the old Sophie, the one who had smiled and laughed, and she suspected it would be easier to remember how she used to be if she wasn’t constantly being reminded of what she’d lost.
Her mind was made up and Luke should know that once she made up her mind she very rarely changed it. She tried to appease him. ‘I appreciate your concern but it’s not like I don’t know what to expect.’
‘Theory and practice are two very different things. I’m not pretending I understand the technicalities of your job but I do know about working in difficult environments and having to rely on others to get the job done. Working in Antarctica can’t be the same as working in a city with all the support networks.’
‘I know exactly what type of situations I might need to deal with,’ she said. ‘I admit I haven’t worked in quite the same conditions but I have worked with the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years. I have to trust everyone to do their part and they have to trust me to do mine.’
‘But are you ready?’
Sophie knew what Luke was asking. It wasn’t a question about her skills as a doctor, he’d have to trust her on that, it was a question about her state of mind. Sophie knew he was concerned about her and he deserved an honest answer.
‘I don’t know.’ She’d been working towards this goal for the past six months—it had given her something to focus on since losing Danny. It had stopped her going crazy with grief and loneliness. It had seemed like a good idea but now that the moment was here, and sooner than she’d expected, she just had to hope she was making the right decision. ‘I think I’m ready. The powers that be in the Antarctic programme seem to think so and I’m their best option. I have to be ready. They need me and I need to go.’ She had to trust that the decision makers knew what they were doing. She knew her medical skills would be sufficient and she must have passed all the psych tests or they wouldn’t be sending her. She had to believe she was ready.
This move would be a test for her. She knew that but she wanted to push herself, she needed to challenge herself. Danny had brought out the best in her, he had helped her to shine, and she was finding it hard to believe she’d be okay without him. That she could be okay. Danny had been her first and only love, and she’d never imagined having to live without him, but that was her reality. She needed to know if she could survive on her own.
She knew Luke was worried for her but she had to do this.
‘I realise I’ll either love it or hate it,’ she continued, ‘but I want to do something. I have to do something. I can’t stay here and, to be honest, while I’ll admit I’m nervous I’m also excited. I’ve been living day to day, getting up in the morning just aiming to get through one more day. This goal has given me something to look forward to. It’s given me a reason to keep going.’
She knew that if the psychologists heard her last sentence they’d probably think twice about sending her to the ice. She didn’t want Luke to think she was a basket case too so she tried to explain her feelings more succinctly.
‘I get up in the morning and the house is quiet. There’s none of Danny’s stuff lying around, getting in my way. There are no piles of shoes, different ones for hiking, running, riding, paddling, abseiling and gardening. No ropes or tents or backpacks to trip over. No maps spread across the kitchen table.
‘I’m never going to get that back and I miss it. I miss him. I miss listening to his big plans, listening to him plan our future and the future of the business. I felt like he took my future with him and this might be my chance to get it back. It won’t be the same future, I’ve lost that, but perhaps it could be worth something.’
‘Why haven’t you told me this before? I thought you were coping.’
‘I am coping.’ She was, most days. ‘But that’s all I’m doing. I’m not living and I want to live again. I’ve lost Danny but I’ve also lost myself. I don’t want to be sad and lonely any more. I need to get moving. I have to do something. This might make or break me but I have to try it.’ She smiled. ‘You can’t pretend you’re not a little bit jealous. I know this type of adventure would be right up your alley.’
Luke laughed. ‘You’re right. It’s exactly the sort of thing I’d love to have a crack at. Danny would have too.’ He paused and considered her carefully before continuing. ‘Are you sure you’re doing this for you and not out of some misguided tribute to Danny?’
Sophie knew that Danny was part of the reason she was going. Despite working for the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years she hadn’t ever originally intended to leave the mainland and head three thousand plus kilometres south to Antarctica. She and Danny and Luke had been inseparable since high school but the boys had been the adrenalin junkies while she had been far more conservative. Maybe this adventure was out of character for her but she wasn’t foolish enough to venture out of her comfort zone without careful consideration of her reasons.
She thought Danny would be proud of her but that wasn’t her main motivation. She had been going quietly mad, sitting in Hobart. There were too many memories. She hoped this adventure would be the catalyst to allow her to start again. To begin the next chapter of her life. A life without Danny.
‘I think he would be proud of me for doing this,’ she admitted, ‘but I’m not
