escape, to keep a bachelor pad of sorts had seemed at odds with someone who was so vital and charismatic.
‘Have you never thought about sharing your life with someone?’ She knew he’d had at least one lengthy relationship but she still wondered why it hadn’t developed into something more serious. He was only thirty-one. Far too young to have decided to spend his life alone. What had happened that had made him so solitary?
Despite her divorce Luci hadn’t given up on finding love again. She wasn’t assuming Seb would want to share his life with her but she wondered what had happened to make him so against the idea of sharing his life with anyone.
‘Once upon a time I assumed I would marry and have kids, that it was something that was in my future. But it was just that. In the future. I assumed it would happen one day but I had no real plans that it had to happen by a certain point in my life. I guess I thought I would finish my studies, get married, eventually have a couple of kids, but it hasn’t turned out that way. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay on my own.’
She had shared so much of herself with him—her hopes and dreams, her failures and disappointments. She knew him intimately yet she still knew very little about what had made him into the man he was today.
What had shaped him? What had led him to the decisions he had made? What were his hopes and dreams? Surely no one really hoped to spend their life alone, did they? Something must have happened to bring him to that conclusion.
‘Yet now you’ve decided that you don’t want that future. What has happened that has made you think you’d be better off alone?’
‘I lost someone unexpectedly.’
‘Your girlfriend?’
She felt his answering nod.
‘What happened?’
‘She was killed in a hit-and-run accident.’
‘Oh, Seb.’ Luci felt awful now. She’d forced the admission out of him and perhaps it wasn’t something he’d wanted to share. She didn’t know what she could say to make things better but before she could say anything Seb continued.
‘It happened right outside our house. It was the day we were moving in together. Emma had parked opposite the house and she was carrying boxes inside. A car came round the corner and ran her over. I don’t know whether she couldn’t see where she was going, she might have stepped into the path of the car, but she hit her head when she fell. I guess she didn’t have time to put her arms out. When I got home there was an ambulance in the middle of the street but it was too late. I was too late.
‘She died from head injuries. I like to think she never knew what had happened but I don’t think that’s true. She didn’t die instantly. It messed me up for a long time. Thinking about what she went through. How she suffered. And I don’t want to experience anything like that again. That’s why I’ve chosen to live my life the way I am.’
Finally Luci was able to understand. She couldn’t imagine going through that experience. The trauma, the guilt, the despair. She knew he would have felt all those things, especially guilt. He would blame himself for not getting there sooner, not being there to help his girlfriend with the boxes. He would think he could have made the difference. Luci knew him well enough to know that he would struggle to forgive himself. She finally understood.
‘Did they ever find the driver of the car?’ she asked.
‘No.’
He’d lost everything that day. He’d thought losing Emma had been the worst thing that could happen but things had got worse from there, much worse. But Seb wasn’t sure if Luci could handle hearing about what had happened next. He lapsed into silence as he fought his demons. Fought with the guilt that still haunted him. He had never forgiven himself for not being there earlier. He had been held up at work, agreeing to see an extra patient. If he hadn’t he would have been there. He would have been carrying those boxes and he wouldn’t have lost everything.
‘Seb?’ Luci interrupted his thoughts.
Maybe if he explained everything to her she would understand why he was so different from her. Why he was the darkness and she was the light. Why he struggled to see the beauty in the world.
He continued. ‘The coroner ordered a post-mortem. The cause of death had to be officially determined in case Emma hadn’t died from injuries sustained in the accident. They had to determine whether it had been natural causes or manslaughter. Not that it mattered in the end as the driver was never found,’ he said, and he could hear the bitterness in his voice, ‘but the post-mortem found that Emma was pregnant. I was going to be a father.’
HE FELT LUCI squeeze his hand in the darkness and heard her little intake of breath but she didn’t speak, allowing him to continue.
‘Emma had told her sister about the baby and apparently she was planning on telling me that night. She wanted it to be a surprise on what would have been our first night in the house. I’ve hated surprises ever since.’
He had lost everything. Not just his girlfriend but his future. He hadn’t really ever thought seriously about being a father, he’d just assumed it would happen one day, but to be given that news and then have it taken away from him immediately had devastated him.
‘Losing something I never had and never knew I wanted; I didn’t understand how that could hurt so much.’ It had destroyed his belief that good things could happen and he had only seen darkness for a long time after that. Mostly that was still all he saw.
‘I imagine the feeling is similar to knowing that the thing you want most in the world is never going to happen for you.’
Luci’s voice was thick with tears and he realised she did understand how he felt. She would have had the same feeling over and over again, every month, when she had been desperate to fall pregnant and it hadn’t happened. Month after month. But she’d got through it.
Had his confession been hard on her?
‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he told her. He’d wanted her to understand. He wasn’t sure why but it seemed important that he share his past with her but he hadn’t meant to upset her.
‘I’m okay. I’m upset for you.’
‘My whole life changed in the space of a few minutes. I took a new direction after that. I never moved into the house. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I sold the house and bought my motorbike and this boat instead. I couldn’t settle, I was restless, I still am. That was my attempt at domesticity, at living a normal life, and it didn’t turn out as I’d planned. I lost everything at once, things I didn’t even know I had, and it took me a long time to feel like my life was back under control. I think it’s enough now to be responsible just for my own life. I don’t ever want to go through that pain again.’
Over the past three years he had slowly recovered from Emma’s death but he hadn’t forgotten how he’d felt and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to put himself out there again for love. ‘I don’t want to put myself in that position again.’ He didn’t ever want to be vulnerable again. He had worked hard to get back on top of things and he didn’t ever want to lose his way again. He was determined
