another fortnight in Sydney on her own after Seb left and she was already dreading it, not looking forward to being on her own again. She wasn’t looking forward to being without Seb, but there wasn’t anything she could do about it.
Things were out of her control. She couldn’t control his plans and she couldn’t conjure up a man. She would just have to be patient.
At least she knew now that she could open her heart. Finding love shouldn’t be impossible if she was open to it.
She closed her eyes and rested her head on the window as the bus chugged through the northern suburbs of the city. She fell asleep dreaming of Seb and woke as the bus slowed on its approach into Vickers Hill.
She’d forgotten how dry and brown the countryside could get, even when it was only the beginning of summer. In five weeks she’d already grown used to being surrounded by water, by the ocean, and the blue and sometimes rainy grey of Sydney was very different from the brown and pale, washed-out grey of the Clare Valley.
The scenery was unfamiliar but the smell was the same. She could smell the dust in the air. It smelt like home but did it feel like home? She wouldn’t know until she got off the bus.
The bus pulled up in the main street of Vickers Hill. She wanted to go and see Flick, there was so much to tell her, but she needed to see her parents first. She checked her watch. They would be having lunch. Her father would have taken the day off to bury his brother, Callum would have him covered, but even when he was working her parents had a tradition where her father would break for lunch and go home and eat with her mother. Luci would join them and then attend the funeral. There would be time to see Flick later.
* * *
The funeral had gone as well as could be expected. A death was always sad but her uncle had been old and it had been his time. Luci couldn’t help thinking that her father might be next, though. She would feel so differently if it had been her father’s funeral. He was younger than his brother, but not by many years, and she wanted him to live long enough to see his grandchildren. She wanted to give him that gift. Her parents had nieces and nephews and great-nieces and great-nephews but Luci knew it wasn’t the same thing as grandchildren.
Ben along with several of Luci’s cousins and nephews had been the pallbearers for her uncle’s coffin. She had watched Ben as he had helped to carry her uncle out of the church and into the graveyard beside it. Her parents supported her uncle’s wife, her aunt by marriage and Ben’s great-aunt, as they buried her husband.
Luci chatted to her cousins as everyone made their way from the church to the wake, which was being held in the beer garden at the back of the local pub. She spent the next half-hour talking to familiar faces but she felt out of place. Having changed in the past few weeks, she wasn’t sure she belonged here any more.
She was thinking about leaving, about excusing herself to get some breathing space, when she saw Ben approaching. She looked for Catriona but couldn’t see her. She hadn’t noticed her in the church either. It was too late to escape now as he was heading right for her, so she waited; she couldn’t avoid him for ever.
He greeted her with a kiss and Luci waited to see what effect that had but she felt nothing. No regret. No desire. It was like greeting an old friend and she supposed that’s now what they were. They had been friends for too long to cut him out of her life altogether. She could do platonic kisses.
‘Hi, Luce, you’re looking well.’
In contrast, she thought he looked tired. He was a little greyer at the temples. Perhaps a little bit heavier. It had only been a few months since she’d last seen him so how much could he have changed? Or was she just comparing him to Seb?
She pushed Seb out of her mind.
‘Hello, Ben. How are you? How’s Catriona? Where’s Catriona?’ Luci wondered if Catriona was too pregnant, too uncomfortable to stand at the funeral.
‘She’s in hospital. Our baby was born yesterday.’
‘Oh.’ Luci was taken by surprise. Why hadn’t her mother told her? Warned her? Was everyone still trying to protect her?
Or perhaps with everything else going on in her family this week it had slipped her parents’ minds. Her mother had a habit of telling her things twice or not at all, getting confused between what she’d told Luci’s father and what she’d told Luci. Luci supposed she couldn’t blame her for forgetting in the scheme of things. Ben and Catriona’s baby didn’t really matter to Luci, and why should it matter to her mother?
She didn’t need protecting. She was sad for herself, but she didn’t begrudge Ben his happiness.
She really had moved on, she realised. She’d been talking the talk but without really knowing. This was the test and it was good to find she could be happy for Ben.
‘Congratulations,’ she said.
Ben was watching her closely. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you didn’t know. I thought someone would have said something. I wasn’t planning on being the one to tell you.’
‘It’s okay. I would have found out sooner or later. What did you have?’
‘A daughter.’
A baby girl. ‘Details?’ she asked, pleased to know she could remember the niceties.
‘Seven pounds three ounces and we’ve named her Mia.’
Luci breathed a silent sigh of relief. She’d been worried that Ben might choose one of the names they had picked out and she was glad he hadn’t. It was highly unlikely that she would get to use the names she’d chosen, Eve for a girl or Joe for a boy, but even so she didn’t want Ben to use ‘their’ names.
‘I’m happy for you,’ she told him truthfully. She knew he wanted children just as much as she did. She couldn’t begrudge him that happiness, but it didn’t negate the sadness she felt that she was still childless.
She should go and find Ben’s parents, her ex-in-laws, and congratulate them. She knew that by doing that, it would help to stop any unwanted smalltown gossip. She would be doing herself a favour. And it would give her a reason to say goodbye to Ben. She was ready for that. She didn’t want him back but she couldn’t deny that she was jealous of his new life. He had everything she wanted.
She excused herself and was relieved to see Flick making her way through the pub and into the garden. Luci forgot about seeking out her ex-in-laws and made a beeline for her friend, wrapping her in a big hug.
‘God, it’s so good to see you,’ she said.
‘Sorry I couldn’t come to the funeral,’ Flick replied as she hugged her back. ‘Callum was covering the clinic for your dad so he needed me to help him.’
Flick had a sparkle in her eye. She looked well. Happy. But Luci was too preoccupied to pay any more attention than that.
‘Why didn’t you tell me Ben and Catriona had the baby?’
Flick shrugged. ‘She was only born yesterday. I figured your mum would tell you and we’d talk about it today. Who did tell you?’
‘Ben.’
‘Oh, hell. Are you okay?’
Luci
