you well, lass?’ he asked as he checked the strap, though he could see nothing was wrong with it. ‘You looked to be falling asleep and off the horse.’
She rubbed her eyes and face and shook her head. ‘I did not sleep well and I am tired of travelling.’
Tavis walked around to check the other strap and to get a better look at her. She’d seemed happy on the journey, anxious even to get back to Lairig Dubh as they got closer, though he suspected it was more about speaking to her parents than anything else. The urge to comfort her was as strong as it had ever been so he stepped back.
‘We should reach home by nightfall tomorrow, if we push through on the morrow,’ he said. ‘I plan to send a man ahead once we are on the road in the morning.’ Her eyes did brighten for a moment, then they lost their shine.
He climbed back on his horse and turned to her. ‘Do you worry over what they will tell you?’
‘Aye,’ she said quietly. ‘I have never felt so unsettled in my life. I wake on the morrow as one person, but once we reach home, I may be someone else.’
He leaned over and placed his hand on hers. It was as much as he would allow himself and did it only because she wore an expression of complete devastation in her eyes as they spoke on this. ‘You will never be anyone but Ciara. No one, no one’s words or story, can change the person you are inside.’
‘Oh, Tavis, if only I could believe it,’ she whispered to him. ‘Or if I could convince myself it matters not.’
‘Do you believe that your parents did this out of malice?’ he asked, trying to help her focus on the important things.
‘Nay, I know they did not.’
‘Do you believe that any MacLerie hopes for your humiliation?’
She met his gaze then and shook her head. ‘Other than my parents, I do not think anyone in Lairig Dubh really cares about what happens to me. Once I am gone, no one will even notice.’
‘I care, Ciara. God forgive me, but I will know you are gone,’ he admitted.
The silence spun out between them, but he would not look away from her.
‘Why? Just tell me why?’
She had no idea that her words mirrored those of James when he had asked about Tavis’s role in Ciara’s life.
‘Because I am your friend,’ he said.
He purposely misunderstood and could not give her the answer she wanted, no matter how much the words pushed to be released from within him. Anger, mostly at himself, bubbled up inside him, daring him, shoving him, driving him to do the one thing he could not.
Fighting the urges roiling barely under his control, Tavis wondered if he could make the larger admission and damn himself and maybe even damn both of them. Then he realised that to speak the words he wanted to say to her would give hope where none could be. He bit his tongue rather than speak the oath that formed in his heart—I do love you, lass. A single tear trickled down her cheek as she waited for words that would not come.
Could not come.
‘Say it, Tavis,’ she begged, ‘before it is too late.’
She was tearing his heart out in pieces. She had no idea what she asked of him. Not just for the words—she wanted him to act on those words and claim her. He could not tell her how he’d been responsible for Saraid’s death and could not face causing hers, too. He could not share with her that he would rather watch her walk away than watch her die through his selfishness and negligence as Saraid had.
‘I killed one wife, Ciara. I would rather watch you marry another than to lose you as I did her.’
She gasped at his words and paled. Her horse reared, reacting to the tension in her position, but Ciara got it under control quickly. Before they could speak further on the words he’d said and what he’d revealed, James approached and called out to them. For once he was glad of James’s interruption, for it saved him from humiliating himself before her and kept him from taking a step that could lead to disaster for both of them. Tavis nodded and moved ahead of Ciara to allow James to ride next to her.
He heard the polite enquiries and Ciara’s bland replies and tried not to turn back and check on her now that she’d heard part of his truth. She had been too young to know what had happened to Saraid. No matter that, for she did deserve to learn what had happened both in her own life and in his since it stood between them so firmly. But they had no more opportunity for private conversation before they arrived back in Lairig Dubh the following night as he had told her they would.
As they rode into the yard, he knew that all the pieces would fall into place in the puzzle that was their lives and she would understand all of it …
And then she would leave Lairig Dubh and him forever.
Chapter Fourteen
No one said a word as they rode into the village. Thoroughly exhausted by the hard pace of the day, they were a much different group than the one that had begun the journey with a light mood. Dust-covered and hungry, they passed through the gates and Tavis nodded to the men on duty.
As he’d told Ciara, he’d sent messengers ahead so he knew the laird and lady would be waiting in the hall, along with Duncan and Marian and, most importantly, a hot meal for all. While the wagons followed the path around to the side of the tall stone keep as he’d instructed the drivers to do, the Murray warriors stood waiting for their lord and lady to dismount—or climb from her wagon—and to be dismissed by them before following his men to the barracks. Connor and Jocelyn stood on the steps, waiting to greet their newest ally.
‘Welcome to Lairig Dubh,’ Connor said as he walked down the steps to greet them. ‘You look a bit road-worn, so we can leave the official duties until morn,’ he offered.
Tavis knew this next part, for he’d watched Connor do it many times—sometimes to make his rank clear and sometimes to put visitors at ease. This time he was not certain which purpose this was for.
‘I am Douran and this is my wife Jocelyn MacCallum, Lady MacLerie.’ Connor lived without the ceremony of his title as earl until or unless it suited him. This was a simple reminder that the MacLeries had reached a level within the kingdom and within the king’s favour that this branch of the Murrays had not. Tavis watched as they and their son bowed to Connor, acknowledging that rank.
‘May I present my son James, my lord,’ Murray said, pointing to him.
The younger man did the same and waited on Connor before speaking. Ciara was greeted as the family she was and Tavis wanted to laugh and he could see the corners of Jocelyn’s mouth threatening the same. Connor waited a few moments before holding his hand out in a more personal greeting.
‘But we will be more than allies, William and Eleanor, and James, if I may?’ Connor met their gazes. ‘We will be family, so we need not stand on ceremony. Please call me Connor and my wife Jocelyn.’
It was interesting to watch as he did it, even knowing it
