Pulled him deeper into herself.
‘Okay?’ he muttered and she almost laughed.
‘Yes. Yes. More than okay.’ And she was. She felt powerful in that moment, as well as loved. As if, with Khalil, she could do anything. She could be the person she was meant to be. She’d thought trusting someone, loving someone, made you weak, left you open and vulnerable to hurt. But right now she felt utterly strong. Completely whole.
And then he started to move, and the friction of his body inside hers increased that ache of pleasure deep within her, a sensation that built to such strength she felt as if it would explode from her, as if she would fly from the force of it, soaring high above the little camp, above everything.
And then it happened, everything in her peaking in an explosion of pleasure: she cried out, one long, ragged note, and fell back against the pillows, her body still wrapped around Khalil’s, his head buried in the curve of her shoulder.
Neither of them spoke for several long minutes; Elena could feel the thud of Khalil’s heart against her own, both of them racing. She stared up at the ceiling of the tent and wondered how she’d gone as long as she had without experiencing such incredible intimacy. Feeling such an amazing sense of rightness and power.
Slowly Khalil moved off her. He lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, and Elena felt the first pinprick of uncertainty. Suddenly he seemed remote.
‘I didn’t hurt you,’ he said, not quite a question, and she shook her head.
‘No.’
‘Good.’ He rose then, magnificent in his nakedness, and went to dress.
‘Khalil...’ She rose up onto her elbows. ‘Don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘You owe me a wedding night, not a wedding hour,’ she told him, trying to sound teasing even though nerves leapt in her belly and fluttered in her throat. ‘Come back to bed.’
He stared at her for an endless moment, his thobe clenched in one hand, and Elena thought he would refuse—walk out of the tent and leave her alone with nothing but memories and regret. Then with a slight shrug he dropped the garment. He returned to the bed, sitting on its edge, away from her. She saw several faded white scars crisscrossing his back, and wondered at them. Now, she knew, was not the time to ask.
‘I don’t want to hurt you, Elena,’ he said quietly. ‘And I don’t mean physically.’
She swallowed hard. ‘I know you don’t.’
He gave a slight shake of his head. ‘The closer we become, seem...’
Seem. Because tonight’s intimacy wasn’t real, at least not for him. ‘I understand, Khalil,’ she told him. ‘You don’t have to warn me again. Tonight is a fantasy. Tomorrow it ends. Trust me, I get that. I accept it.’
He let out a weary sigh and gently she laid a hand on his shoulder, her fingers curling around warm skin, and pulled him back towards her. After a second’s resistance, he came, lying next to her, folding her into his arms and then hauling her against his chest.
It felt like the only place she’d ever really belonged.
For tonight.
Neither of them spoke for several long minutes; Khalil stroked her hair and Elena rested one hand on his chest, perfectly content.
Almost.
The knowledge that this was only temporary, only tonight, ate away at her happiness, poked holes in this moment’s peace. She tried to banish that knowledge; she wanted to dwell only in the fantasy now.
Closing her eyes, she imagined that they were in fact wed, that the ceremony tonight had been theirs. That they lay here as husband and wife, utterly in love with each other.
As she embroidered each detail onto the cloth of her imagination, she knew she was being foolish. Understood that envisioning such a thing, such a life, even if only as a fantasy, was dangerous.
Khalil didn’t want a relationship, a loving relationship, and she didn’t either. At least, she shouldn’t. She’d never wanted it before. She’d chosen not to look for love, not to trust someone with her heart, her life. She’d done it once before—not romantically, but the betrayal had still wounded her deeply. Had made her doubt not just other people but herself.
How could she have trusted someone who had used her so spectacularly?
And how could she ever risk herself to trust again?
No, she was better off without love or romance. Keeping it as a fantasy, a single night.
And maybe, if she kept telling herself that, she’d believe it.
‘What are you thinking about, Elena?’ Khalil asked, his voice a quiet rumble in his chest.
‘Nothing—’
‘Not nothing,’ he interjected quietly. ‘You’ve gone all tense.’
And she realised she had; she was lying stiff in his arms, her hand curled against his chest. Gently he reached up and flattened her fist, smoothing her fingers out before resting his hand on top of hers. ‘What were you thinking about?’ he asked again.
She sighed. ‘Just...some memories.’
‘The same memories that give you nightmares?’
‘No. Different ones.’
‘Not good ones, though.’
‘No.’ She let out a little sigh. ‘Not particularly.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said after a moment, and somehow that felt like exactly the right thing to say.
‘So am I. But I don’t want to think about bad memories tonight, Khalil. I want to be happy. Just for tonight.’
He squeezed her hand lightly. ‘I won’t stop you.’
‘I know, but...’ She wanted more than his acquiescence; she wanted his participation. ‘Can we—can we pretend?’ she asked, her voice quavering slightly with nervousness. ‘Can we pretend, just for tonight, that we’re...that we’re in love?’ She felt his body tense underneath her hand and she hurried to explain. ‘I know we’re not. I don’t want us to be, not for real. I don’t want to love someone like that.’ Khalil remained ominously silent, so she continued stiltedly, ‘I just want to feel like I do for one night. To forget everything else and just enjoy feelings I can’t afford to have in real life.’ She sounded ridiculous, Elena realised. What was she really asking? For him to pretend to love her?
How absurd. How pathetic.
And Khalil still hadn’t said anything.
‘Maybe it’s a stupid idea,’ Elena muttered. Inwardly she cringed at the whole ridiculous proposition she’d put before him. ‘I didn’t mean... You don’t have to worry that I’ll suddenly...’ Her throat tightened and she was about to force herself to go on, to reassure him that she wouldn’t fall in love with him or start
