was a sleepless night and not just because he had to walk Androu twice. Theo’s mind wouldn’t stop so he was grateful to have a reason to pace. The boy’s warm weight on his arm was oddly comforting as he patted his little back to soothe him.
Jaya had to show him how, of course, demonstrating on Zephyr. “He might be with me, but it’s still a strange place,” she whispered in explanation of the boy’s restlessness. She settled him with expert swiftness and disappeared into her room.
He dragged his eyes off the way her hotel-issued robe draped the curve of her hips and showcased her slender calves. No man in her life and whose fault was that? His. He’d taken a chance with unprotected sex because he’d been anxious to lose himself and his problems in an orgasm.
Which wasn’t entirely true. As he stared across the twinkling lights of Marseille to the dark expanse of the Med, he allowed that Jaya had never been like the other women he pursued. She was special. His need that night had been as much about a desire to be with her as it had been to escape his emotional turmoil. Her announcement she was leaving Bali had lit a torch of panic in him. He’d needed, quite literally, to hold onto her.
Maybe some primitive part of him had even been seeking the permanent connection of a blood tie. As much as he’d like to dismiss his failing to protect her as a state of crisis and thoughtlessness, he’d never neglected a condom in his life. He always thought ahead to consequences. Fear of a beating had predisposed him to it.
So he couldn’t pretend he’d simply been carried away. He’d made a conscious decision to take a risk.
Creating a child without due care and attention seemed like the kind of enormous mistake he ought to be punished severely for. His body was reacting with the same tense anticipation of hell he’d grown up trying to ignore. The clogged chest, clogged throat and anxiety ought to be far behind him, but he could hardly breathe. Sleep had never been a safe escape. Voices could rise in the next room, furniture could topple. Babies could wake and nightmares became real.
The troubling memories kept him tossing and turning even after Androu settled. Then Evie woke like a five alarm fire, jarring him and making his heart pound.
No male voice shouted, though. No impossible demands were made of children barely old enough to reach a toaster. Jaya worked her magic and scooped up the sad little girl, murmuring reassurances.
Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Listen for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore, inadequate as he felt, he couldn’t leave the tyke wet and scared to wait for his mother just because she knew how to reassure with affection and he didn’t.
At least a diaper change was his first priority. Funny how that seemed like a reprieve from more demanding tasks. Surprisingly, he nailed it in one go. Even got the kid back into his jammies without misaligning any snaps.
Zephyr seemed to want to keep his blanket with him, so Theo wrapped it around the boy’s tiny body and snugged him closer to the warmth of his own chest, concerned that the air conditioning was set too low in the lounge.
Whether it was the warmth of his body or he was still sleepy, he seemed content enough to be carried into the lounge.
The older babies had both dropped off and Theo found himself standing over them, Zephyr’s silky hair under his chin smelling familiar even though it wasn’t anything he really knew.
Babies were unwieldy responsibilities that were so great, they were to be run from, far and fast. That’s what he’d believed and it was true, if you were five.
He was an adult, though, perfectly capable of things like changing a diaper and making a proper meal and laundering clothes. Fearing the responsibilities of fatherhood was irrational. Millions did it every day and no one would hold him accountable with a beating if he missed getting a bit of food out of a kid’s hair during a bath.
Nevertheless, after his talk with Jaya last night, his terror at taking on the role of a father was worse, not better. He knew why, too. He still feared failing, but not because of the threat of violence. He couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing Jaya.
* * *
Jaya came out of her bathroom to find Zephyr’s cot empty and rushed out to the main room where she found Theo cradling their son like he’d been doing it all his life.
Her blood thickened to such sweet molasses, she couldn’t move. Her limbs ached and felt weak.
She must have gasped because he glanced up and touched a finger to his lips, then tilted his head to see into Zephyr’s tranquil face. In slow motion, like he was handling a chemical bomb, he tucked Zephyr next to his sleeping cousins on the floor and drew their blanket over him.
She was done. Finished. Melted into a puddle on the floor that housekeeping would have to mop up and wring out of the strings.
He added a final blow by fetching his phone off the dining table and snapping a picture of the children piled together like a litter of kittens.
Removing the hand she’d pressed to her mouth, she accused in a whisper, “You’re sentimental.”
He shrugged, striding toward the kitchenette where he set his phone on the table and began making coffee. “We’re not likely to catch them all together like that again, are we? Not all asleep.”
The breath she took was coated in powdered glass. “I thought about sending the photo from last night to your sister, but you haven’t told her, have you? Will you?”
He slowed his movements. “Since she’s my boss and it starts with explaining that I slept with an employee—”
“Not technically.”
He kicked up a brow, unimpressed with the fine line. “Still not the best example.” He pushed the button that started the espresso maker. “And I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’d rather keep things simple until I know how we’re going to proceed.”
She tried to hide her disappointment, then thought, Why should I?
“That’s not really fair to Zephyr, is it? I mean, they’re his cousins.” She waved at the bumps under the blanket. “My relationship with Saranya was the most important of my life.” Not an understatement. “We grew up together and when I needed her, she was there. You don’t just call a cousin out of the blue when your life implodes. Not unless you’ve been close all along.”
She
